Hows everything going?

I was thinking the same thing????

I didn't really want to update because it's not going to be anything anyone wants to hear. But here goes...

This morning I stood at the sink with dry heaves several different times. I didn't make it in to work until 11am.

The BF thing has been a roller coaster--days of hope and days of dispair. We've only seen each other a couple times, didn't get together at all last weekend, and don't have any scheduled meetings in the future.

Last night was the worst. Where he's been trying, last night his frustration all came tumbling out in a phone call where he basically just threw up his hands and said he doesn't think he can do this much longer, because the frustration of being with someone but not being able to have sex is more than he can handle. He's angry at me, and he was pushing, yet in the next breath he'd say, "I understand how you believe and I don't want you to change because of me." Then he said he'd even considered getting engaged, that maybe then I'd feel comfortable enough to reconsider. Not so. It has to be marriage.

So I am grieving this relationship that appears to be pretty much gone, I am grieving because my baby daughter left yesterday with her girlfriend for 9 days in St. Lake City and I'm scared for her.

And I am grieving because I truly feel that there is no hope of me ever being married again, because there's not one single guy out there who would be willing to marry someone and not have sex first. (Even BF said that to me last night.)

My pastor is trying to convince me that the single life is okay (of course, he's married with a family). And for the short term, it was okay. It's just that when I think of being 40, and still being single 20 years from now, never experiencing kisses, hugs, companionship, love, and physical intimacy with a man again...I'm sorry, but that's just a truly overwhelming thought for someone who experienced it once. It's hard to just shut it off. It's not how I'm wired.

So, there's the update.

LL

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm proud of you for sticking to your convictions. God has something better out there for you. Keep climbing the mountain... the view gets better.

I know this isn't exactly the same... but I hated (and still do) giving up my 2-yr relationship with J. So many things were sooo good. But there was a part that we couldn't work through (his kids). Sometimes, there's just something you can't live with, and either someone has to change, or you have to move on. I struggled and struggled with my decision until God gave me peace to let J go, and even though it was hard, and still IS sometimes, I knew that I had to, and God would help me.

Sorry to ramble. We're here for you LL.

hugggggggggggggssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lordslady - You are doing no one good by making yourself sick.... If this guy isn't gonna stick around and respect your wishes then it is better to have found out sooner rather than later.... I still get the feeling though you just want marriage - I mean he made the comment about getting engaged so you would feel better so you could have sex - and you said NOPE it has to be marriage.....

LL,
I'm still hoping you will consider getting some IC. I don't think I'm the only one that has voiced this. You are on the verge of martyrdom here with your "I don't want to be alone the rest of my life". You are really getting yourself worked up over all this!

I will say again...where is your PEACE??? Your goal here was to live God's way and not partake in that sin. Well, you've stopped!!! Why no peace? Are you SURE that was the problem to begin with? I really think you need to sort this out with a professional. Perhaps a Christian Counselor? I just really feel that you are so far into the forest that you can't see the trees...
Thoughts and prayers, always, LL!!!
Della

Okay something that just popped into my head as I was reading this thread. He can't live without sex...say....you marry him...10-15 years down the road you get extremely ill and can't have sex...what will he do then??

You need to move on...but you can't/won't. YOU made the decision for YOU but it's effecting him also. Time to cut ties before you two are bitter with one another over it. Better to walk away friends.

Oooo! Nice manipulation there from Mr. BF! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I'm trying to figure out whether I should take this as a slam on my manhood, or as a slam on my honesty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

OK, no, I realize that we're "just" talking about a feeling, but even so it is reminiscent of Elijah's complaint: "I have zealously served the Lord God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you...and...I alone am left." (I Kings 19:14) How did God respond? He gave Elijah a checklist of things to do, which included the anointing of his protégé Elisha (so much for being alone), and finished up by pointing out that there were still "seven thousand others in Israel who have never bowed to Baal." (v18)

Elijah's feelings were not based on reality; they were merely based on his perceptions. And in fact, to return to the present context, I know many people of both sexes who, far from just being "willing" to marry without having sex first, would not even consider marrying someone who did not hold that same conviction.

Hmm. This strikes me as a really interesting impression, given that LL has effectively sabotaged her chances of getting married. If her objective was to hook this guy, she's going about it entirely the wrong way.

My own impression, however, is not much more flattering - although admittedly it is based on LL's extremely skewed presentation of the situation (by which I mean that most of what LL has presented here has been about the problems in the relationship, whereas a balanced view would have devoted proportional treatment to the good parts as well).

But LL, I cannot help but wonder whether maw64 is correct that "you just want marriage," albeit in the sense that you are focused more on the idea of marriage - or, more precisely, on the full guilt-free intimacy you would expect as part of it - than on whom exactly it is that you would be married to.

LL, what exactly is marriage to you besides a green light on sex and intimacy? If you were to be married again, what would you be married for?

Maybe that's enough reason to get married; I'm not going to tell you otherwise. However, for my own life I know that that's not enough. One of the reasons I have shied away from pursuing relationships with some of the women I've been attracted to is that I consider what marriage to them would be like, and I project a kind of mutual self-absorption.

The married couples I most admire are those who have become a team in the service of Christ. They have found a mutual passion for reaching out in some particular way or ways - despite, in many cases, very different individual (but complementary) giftings - and they proceed to have a greater impact than they could have had separately.

I have seen other people "fall in love" and get married, and effectively disappear from everyone's lives but their own. I look back at my own marriage and my subsequent singlness, and I realize the truth of Paul's words in I Corinthians 7:32-35: "An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please him. But a married man can't do that so well. He has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be more devoted to the Lord in body and in spirit, while the married woman must be concerned about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible."

But while I have seen couples who served as distractions to each other, I have also seen far too many counter-examples of couples who served to keep each other focused on the Lord's work for me to believe that this isn't possible, and that it isn't worth holding out for. I believe Paul was warning of a pitfall rather than an inevitable consequence of the married state.

While I would dearly love to be married again, I will not settle for doing so at the cost of abandoning God's call on my life. Merely marrying a Christian lady is simply not enough, however nice she might be.

LL, I admire your determination to live true to your moral convictions. However, I wish that they seemed less an obstacle and burden to you, and more a path to the joy which is found only in the center of God's will.

I don't know how to keep it from being a struggle; God knows how much and how often I feel shelved and abandoned. "But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

Speaking for myself, I intend to fly high, even though most of the time I expect to crash and burn.

Faith,

Thanks for checking in on me and for being supportive of my upholding my beliefs.

Maw,

I said no to sex because the bible doesn't say it's okay when you're engaged, only when married. It is a very hard decision. But no, GNP is right--if marriage was the whole hope of this from the beginning, I would have left things well enough alone, because they were heading that way, just slowly. This blew them sky high.

Drita,

No IC yet--trying to weigh charging that on a credit card with too high a balance already with how much it might help me. I don't want to just end up depressed for other (financial) reasons.

As for the peace, as I said, I still believe my decision is 100% correct. But the lack of peace is coming from the roller coaster from BF, and his trying/not-trying (and currently what looks like pretty much frustrated to the point the relationship is dead). It's hard to let go of someone you love when things have been so good, and to know it has been blown to bits by your own doing. I'm having problems accepting that it can't be saved.

Add to that my daughter left yesterday for St.Lake City which means I'm now worried about her AND alone in my house except for the dogs, the cat and my fish. They aren't much help to talk to, and while I've been praying and praying to God, I feel that he must be very frustrated at my lack of ability to just let go and turn it all over to him and find peace.

Alluring,

Funny...I asked him that question last night. He didn't want to answer it--said there's no reason to even think things like that right now.

GNP,



Can you send some of the guys my way...even one strong Christian guy? Because I sure don't seem to meet them, nor do any of my friends believe they exist--at least not as divorcees my age--probably because if they're really strong Christian guys they aren't divorced. It's quite disheartening.

As for why I want marriage--right or wrong, here goes...

I desire a partner in life who can be my spiritual strength when I'm weak but who will also be open about their weaknesses to me. I have prayed and prayed for a Christian husband who would take the lead in prayer and devotions, who sincerely desired to put the Lord first. I know how easy it is to get involved with daily things and let him slip out of first place, especially if your with non-Christians.

I would be lying if I said it didn't have a lot to do with desiring the romantic piece--the being held, kissed, loved and wanted--and being able to act freely on the desires God has created us with as humans. Like Paul said in Corinthians, it's better to marry than to burn with passion. I do like being physically close (I could sit for hours just tucked under a guy's arm snuggled up next to him reading or anything) and I do like sex. There are no two ways about it. And those romantic/physical desires are very difficult to fulfill for a Christian outside a marriage.

I want someone to share my future with, to do things with (go out to eat, travel, or just share a walk through the countryside). I want someone to come home to at night, to be close to, and to lie next to in bed.

I want someone who shares my beliefs so that we can discuss spiritual issues that may come up without fear of being shot down. I wan't to be able to bounce things off him and vice versa when I'm confused, or concerned or just want a second opinion.

I also want someone who is as committed to making a marriage work as I am. I don't want someone who just lets it die. It is my desire to please a man (which is what my BF was really enjoying). I want someone who desires to please me, too, and who desires to keep working throughout life and applying God's guidelines for marriage, to keep it strong and so we have the confidence and trust in each other that God intended instead of always walking around on eggshells, filled with worry and uncertainty, like I did when married before.

I'm probably not nearly as outgoing as you are, so giving back to the community hasn't crossed my mind much yet. But that is partly because right now I feel so icky, that it's hard to think of giving, because I don't feel I have anything to give.

So for me marrying a strong Christian man with whom I shared common goals and desires, and to whom I was attracted...yes, that would probably be enough. I'd be willing to grow it from there.

I just can't get my arms around the idea of being single forever. Being married has been in my brain for as long as I can remember, even as a little girl. I have never felt a calling to be single, I'm not outgoing and independent, I'm just as content with my guy at home at night, and I've prayed that singleness wasn't God's desire for me.

When I divorced, I originally saw my singleness as a temporary thing, and so it's been tolerable (until this BF fiasco). But what if it's permanent?

I'm trying to find strength in the Lord. I just keep crashing and getting sick again. Why can't I just hand it over and find the peace? Why is that peace so elusive? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

LL

Hmmmm.....

I suggest reading "No More Christian Nice Guy" by Coughlin.

I wish I knew if there was a similar book for women. There might be and I am not aware of it.

I, for one, am sick and tired of religionists who lay heavy burdens on the believer; as though God made us to be powerless, passionless, neutered eunachs.

Lordslady...Let him go then... I mean if he isn't able to live without sex until you are married in your two year plan - let him go... Why put him and you through this you cannot change him...I have been divorced for three years - and I haven't even dated for goodness sake - do I think I will be alone forever - I hope not -but I am not ready for someone -- But you have someone and he isn't ready to stop having sex with you... so really like these people say this has become a burden... You cannot change him - you cannot control anyone but yourself... and frankly this relationship is at an impasse... The two of you had a sex life - now you are taking it away - and he doesn't want it to go away... Why continue to go over and over and over this.... You feel how you feel and he feels how he feels - neither can change so why torture yourself... I hope you daughter is safe -but she is the child and you are the parent and well if youdidn't want her to go she shouldn't have gone... I think you need to find a good therapist - if it costs to much well so what your peace of mind is going to be more important... You have to keep going on trying to get help for yourself until you get it - the cost should not matter.. I have had like four different therapists and I have finally found one that I really like and she doesn't even take my insurance but the cost doesn't matter - she is helping me to help myself... and that is most important for me and for my children.... You have to be accepting and happy with yourself - before you can be in love with anyone else....

LL,

I usually post on EN but have been following your threads. I was raised that it's a sin to have sex outside M. Although I did not hold those beliefs strongly as a single person I do understand your conflict. I

The reason I am posting to you is because I am seeing you using your faith as a burden to yourself. You are following your belief in God that there is to be no sex before marriage because that is a sin. Ok. BUT you are not following that same faith that your faithfulness to God will be rewarded.

"and while I've been praying and praying to God, I feel that he must be very frustrated at my lack of ability to just let go and turn it all over to him and find peace."

God is not frustrated. You are. You either have to accept your faith and BELIEVE in God and his will AND promises or you need to make decisions despite that. Right now you are accepting his commands but you are not accepting his gifts of love, peace and contentment that go with that. You are not believing that he will bring you someone to fullfill your life as you so desire and you are not believing that he will show you the way to contentment until that happens.

Your belief is strong but your faith doesn't seem to be. That is something only you can change.

You are going through a very difficult time with your daughter. At the same time this R sich is pulling you in another direction. You are stretching yourself too thin and not believing that God will be your salvation and hope. Your relationship issues will take time and energy away from your D and your issues with your D will take time and energy away from your R. This may very well be God's way of telling you to focus. Find out what is most important to you right now and put your time, energy and your faith into it. You WILL find another man but you only have one daughter.

I may be way off but it's just what I am seeing when I read your posts.

Symphony

LL, How are you today? I found this and thought of you.

Psalm 73 (New International Version)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

1A psalm of Asaph.
Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.
2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.

3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.

5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.

6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.

7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity ;
the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.

8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
in their arrogance they threaten oppression.

9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.

10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.

11 They say, "How can God know?
Does the Most High have knowledge?"

12 This is what the wicked are like—
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.

14 All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

15 If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
I would have betrayed your children.

16 When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me

17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.

19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!

20 As a dream when one awakes,
so when you arise, O Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

[color:"purple"] 28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds. [/color]

Hey LL,

I am sorry to hear that Mr. Right turned out to be not quite perfect, but that's his failing, not yours.

It is easy at times like this to spout platitudes and other meaningless noise.

And when the time seems dark, it's hard to remember to look towards the light.

But there are people out here who are supporting you, in prayer and in any way they know how. You will get through this.

If you need somebody to talk to, a good Christian woman that much wiser than her years and a powerhouse of knowledge and a depth of relational understanding that surpasses anybody I know, let me know, I can put you in touch with my W, who would be willing to talk to you during this time like on the phone and just be a good listener...

She's forgotten more good stuff than I've ever learned or seen in my life.

Not taking the time to respond individually right now. Just want to thank you for your care and your support. Symphony was right, my beliefs are strong but my faith is weak.

I do think Maw is right, too, that BF and I are at a total impass. He wants sex; I won't give it. But I didn't want to be the one to break it off. I set the boundary. I wanted him to be the one to decide if he could or couldn't do it. And it's been nothing but a rollercoaster. One day he says he's trying. The next day he's totally had it.

Last night's conversation which lasted all of 10 minutes (our shortest to date, I believe) was the worst. In a nutshell, he was already in a bad mood because of some stuff with his kids and his ex -- he still harbors a lot of anger toward her for pulling his kids away from him and taking away his ability to be a full-time parent. So he told me he was just pi**ed at the world and that it wasn't a good time to talk.

But I mentioned that the conversation we'd had the night before was enjoyable and had gone well. And he said in a very monotone voice..."it was 'different'". Then I asked if he was planning on calling me again. "Maybe, sometime."

So I hit the topic that he's avoided the last two times I've asked. I said, "BF, I know this isn't a good time to ask, but I really miss you. Are we going to see each other again sometime?"

"LL, you're right, this isn't a good time to talk."

"Okay, bye then."

----------------------------------------------------------

So, I feel like he's just slowly shutting me out of his life but he won't tell me it's over--something he promised to be honest about at the beginning of all this.

And of course when I'm here with no one to talk to, all I can think of are all the wonderful times we spent together, laughing, watching movies, playing games with his son, driving places in his car--him singing along with the songs to me, our mini-vacations to Wisconsin and to the Huskers game in Nebraska, and how wonderful of a lover he was. It is very, very, very difficult to think of giving that up, and even though I know I have to obey God before BF, I've found myself almost angry with God for the rule that has not only already most likely cost me my BF, but has a high chance of costing this 40-yr-old divorcee the opportunity to have that with anyone ever again.

And I tell myself, there are people who are SO much worse off than me. I live in a free country, I have a home, I have a job, clothes on my back, food. But the one thing I so desire, that Christian marriage, seems to elude me. And life is lonely.

I forced myself to go to a party on Sunday at one of my pastors' wifes houses. I attend a small church and amd the only divorcee there. It's a bunch of families. But both my pastors wives who were at the party and know my struggles promised to take turns calling me to check in with me. That was Sunday. This is Thursday--neither one has called.

I know, they have families. It's the holidays. They're busy. But that's what's making it all that much worse for me. Everyone is all busy and happy with the holidays and their families and loved ones. I'm here--it's bitterly cold and snowing, my mom and sis who I'm not all that close to aren't in town, and my children are both gone right now. It's me and my dogs. I'm supposed to go play Bunco with my neighbor women tonight but I'm going to bug out, because all they'll be asking is "How are things with BF?" and I'm not ready to deal with that tonight.

And I think the lack of faith has become sort of a conditioned response. It just seems like whatever I desire or hope for so much...I get these little glimpses of hope and get excited, and then each and every time things crash and burn. Examples:

My ex: I prayed and prayed throughtout our marriage for him to change and get his life together and be the Christian husband I so desired and knew God wanted him to be. He'd show little signs--he'd quit drinking for a little while. Or he'd come home one time for a while. Or he'd show a little affection. And then I'd get excited. And then it'd all crash and he'd be back to his abusive, drinking, gone-all-evening, un-affectionate self. And I'd start the process over. Even when he met OW, I held out hope that he'd come back around, because he did after his first affair, but no luck this time. So it ended.

I've prayed and prayed for my daughter, that God would help her not to struggle so. I saw little glimpses of hope of school success, and then she'd crash again. We took her to a private tutor-she crashed. She switched to the alternative school--that went okay for a little while--so I thought maybe God was working this one out. She crashed--she quit school. She's halfway across the country from me.

My son: Prayed that he'd come to know Jesus. He showed signs. He even went forward in Church at about the age of 12, seemed sincere. But nothing ever came of it, and now he is an agnostic. Breaks my heart.

So, I thought, "Maybe God has opened up my life to find that Christian husband I've desired. Maybe the pain of 19 years of marriage to an alcoholic and getting throught that divorce will all be for a better purpose."

So I started dating. I found quickly that sex is a big thing and guys push for it. But granted, the first one wasn't Christian. So I met this Christian guy (BF) who accepted me for who I was, accepted my past albeit with some hesitation, and who has been great. But he got sex. MISTAKE! Got got my attention and I made a decision to quit. I have prayed and prayed that he'd work in BF's heart to help him have the strength and self-control to work within the boundries. But regardless if he's Christian or not, he's not willing to give it up, so the man I have fallen in love with is shoving me out of his life and I'm crashing again.

And to top it all off, everyone, even my pastors agree that yes, it is very difficult for someone in my situation today to find a guy who is divorced who is going to be willing to wait (although my pastors DO maintain that it is God's will that we wait--so their point, "It's not that bad to be single LL. God will provide everything you need.") But THEY'RE BOTH MARRIED!

When I DV, I had come to terms with being single for a couple years. But I never, until now, saw it as the very real possibility that I will be single (and read "celibate") forever.

I am someone wired to desire to be close to a guy. I desire physical intimacy, very much sometimes. I sit here and think, "I'm 40 years old--I'm getting to that point where it's difficult for a lot of single women to find guys, because guys our age want younger women. But I'm not 65--I have desires and they're very strong sometimes. God says it's better to marry than to burn with passion. I'd love to do that, but it doesn't seem to be looking like a possibility."

Oh, by the way, just for the fun of it, when this started, I threw myself out there on eharmony just to see if matches even came up. (I'm not a paying member, because I consider my relationship still a relationship until he says otherwise). But I'm one of the unlucky ones for whom they just can't find a match. It's been 2 weeks--not one single match. Woo-hoo.

I know all things are possible with God. But when I try to have the positive outlook, over and over and over I get disappointed. It's sort of a conditioned response at this point to just think the worst because the best doesn't seem to ever happen. Good things just seem to be very fleeting in my life. Even my sis has said this. But there are no real answers.

I know God will work things according to his plan. I just have this awful feeling that his plan is that I will never experience the things I so desire (and truly didn't think were against his will per his Word).

I'm down today. Not a good day at all. Have a very difficult meeting at work this afternoon and I'm not even in yet, because I have a driveway with several inches of snow in it, I can't scoop it with my fractured wrist, my snowblower is in the shop, and no neighbors seem to be out and about to call for assistance. I'm going to eventually have to just let my car roll down my drive and out through the snow, but getting it back up the slope tonight will probably be impossible.

I just can't keep doing it all, but no one really seems to get it. I finally 'fessed up to my mom what was up and that I was getting depressed, and her words "Well, LL, you just need to snap out of it!". Thanks Mom...I would if I could figure how to just snap my fingers and fix it all.

Yep, stretched thin. Exhausted. Down almost 10 pounds and clothes are hanging on me (people at work are asking now) becuase my stomach hurts all the time and I have no appetite (sort of the infidelity diet all over again). Headache every day. Depressed and lonely over the cold, the holidays, my BF, my daughter, the stress currently at work and no real end to that in sight. Already had to go to a work function where we could "bring a spouse or significant other" alone. Will be turning down the neighborhood holiday/new years things before long because they're totally couples-oriented and I don't seem to be a couple. I don't want to go out with women to bars or clubs or out drinking (there are a couple neighbors who would do that with me). That's not me. I just want to snuggle on the couch by the fireplace with my BF and watch TV on these cold nights. But it would appear he's not my BF anymore--just doesn't want to tell me that apparently.

LL

Jaye, what a lovely thing to say about your wife.

LL,
I think about you so much! You are in my prayers...
I WISH I could find a way to get through to you so you can come to some terms with what you are doing. But I really can't, none of us can. That has to come from you... to give it to the Lord and let Him keep it and have some faith in Him. I don't see you forgiving yourself for stumbling in this situation and I think that's what's hindering your growth. You'll see that when you finally do "let go and let God".
Sin is sin, God can't see it because Jesus has washed it away. You (we)sin everyday-we are humans, and it's what we do, whether in mind or action. You've acknowledged and requested forgiveness, so "It is done", but you are the one who won't release yourself from it.
I'm really starting to see that this relationship you are in is VERY unhealthy FOR YOU. You are so caught up in everything you aren't living in the moment-you aren't listening to your Master for further instructions. You are fretting over what MIGHT be, not what is true.
I honestly and truly think you need to walk away from this and get back with God. If at some point you become more healthy and stable, and it IS in God's will, it will be-no matter what you do. If it's God's will, it is his will, we can't do anything to change that...

You don't have to respond to this because I already know what your response would be. Just know you are on my heart and prayers and I pray that you will let God take you under His wing, because that's where you really need to be right now, and you have the perfect opportunity to get there with no kids in the house, no distractions, except what you are doing to yourself...

God, grant LL the serenity to accept the things she cannot change (others),

the courage the change the things she can (herself),

and the wisdom to know the difference.

hang in there 'sis,
warm hugs

LL,
I'm going to have to hold you accountable on some things in your last post here...
You say you are down and lonely and sad and no one is there for you and that's just bunk. I TOLD YOU to call me ANYTIME. I could scoop your snow! (BTW, have you been wearing your brace?)
You have something to do tonight to get you out of the house and your mind off of YOU and you are going to bail???!!! You are setting yourself up for this?
You need to see that you are NOT a victim here, my friend! Some of what is going on with you are directly related to the choices you have made!!!
What you need to do is DEAL with them.
And you say you can't afford professional counseling?! You can't AFFORD NOT TO in the state that you are in right now.
You are being a martyr, my friend! I suspect the reason you HAVEN'T called me (or anyone else) is because you know what they are going to say and YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!
You have made a list of your blessings and not even that helped you. Being grateful is ALWAYS a good way to go!
We CHOOSE to be happy. This is your CHOICE, but isolating yourself is NOT a good place for you to be right now!
Go to Bunco! Have fun! If they ask how the BF thing is, and you don't want to talk about it, tell them!!! You don't have to "deal" with anything...just say, "let's just have fun tonight, we can talk about that later..."

Repeat after me:
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: I SHALL NOT WANT!

Let God decide what is good for you and not...let God decide, if you truly believe, who and what will enter your life and when.

At some point, if you make no changes, my friend... you have to stop being so doom and gloom. Basically, if you keep doing what you are doing, you're going to keep getting what you are getting.
Without change, you can't complain!

Lordslady - really get a good counselor - that is gonna take your life into a new angle... I am not sure what started all of the problems with your daughter - but you know what if she is having issues and sees you like this -maybe she just cannot be around you - it is to hard for her to see you like this... Woe is me comes to mind.... You know - in a nutshell - my life bites - the romantic side of it - the I have no man in my life - but I keep going on - I mean really I don't even know who I am - I am not happy but you know what I cannot afford to be sad... I have a job - I have kids I have friends.. Who cares if you don't want to go out and drink - go out anyways... I am the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel on many occassion.. and you know what - sit back and listen to everyone complain about their significant other and you just might get to thinking that life is ok - by yourself... you know??? You have got to stop burying yourself in the sand and hiding your head - and get out in the world... Maybe you need to join a singles club - something that will get you together with other single people.. I know I need to but I haven't found the time with two jobs, two kids etc... But even on my worst days I am not as unhappy as you.. I was in a huge funk for awhile but I got the new therapist and she has been a godsend - she doesn't even take my insurance so I pay $45 for 45min. to see her - but you know - what she is worth every penny.... So stop wallowing in the selfpity - and tell yourself you are worthy... And you know what why worry about the future - live your life day to day... Call Drita she will stop by........ Snap out of it.....You can email me... mimiw64@yahoo.com - I mean I live in Massachusetts but I have snow - no man - etc..... come now - you are way more important that this ...