Chris, I don't know if you meant to be harsh, but it sure sounded that way to me. I enjoyed dating my husband. We had some things in common, especially recreational companionship. However, I married him within a year of meeting him. The lust hadn't worn off, and my vanity was flattered that a man so much older than I was in love with me. Any red flags I saw I naively considered were nothing that the love of a good woman couldn't cure or motivate him to cure. He just needed my help to get organized.

Marrying B was the single biggest mistake in my life, and trust me, I've made more than my fair share. It was a mistake because four people's happiness was jeopardized.

Perhaps, no one else has ever gotten married too soon. Perhaps, no one else has cut short the dating period, certain they had found "the one."

May I also suggest that many people are less than honest about who they are, how they want to live, what their dreams and asperations are? Some people only show their true colors after they are sure of their partner.

How many times here have we heard about women who gave every appearance of desiring sex only to withdrawl after the wedding night?

Consider too compatibility in terms of some of the wayward spouses behaviors around here. Consider the serial cheaters, for example. By your assumption that incompatibilities are exposed during dating, the betrayed spouses must have been compatible with this behavior, or at the very least the kind of character flaws that lead to such behavior.

No, in any marriage, some incompatibilities will surface. If they are few, and the spouses determined, those differences will be resolved.

In some marriages though, the incompatabilities that arise are very large indeed. So large they cannot be over come. They may be just as much a surprise as that your beloved spouse squeezes the toothpaste from the middle and not the end. An example of this is faith. Some people become Born-Again Christians, and their spouses do not follow them. The Christians often become frustrated, and quote the Bible passage stating that they are entitled to leave a non-believer. Is not that essentially a question of compatibility?

Interesting reading the responses, but have to admit, it is proving what I originally believed--that people just aren't willing to wait, and that holding to my belief that one should wait (which is what I'm doing and currently it is blowing up a relationship), is probably going to leave me a single woman for life and that's just something I haven't come to terms with yet. It's very disheartening.

LL

I don't think so, LL. I really don't. Have you tried the Christian dating web sites? I bet there are more men there that will be willing to wait and will admire you for holding to your beliefs in spite of the world.

Lordslady, I think you're coming at this issue from an unhelpful angle. Try looking at it this way...

What kind of man would you find suitable as a husband? What's on your "checklist"? I would have guessed you would have something on there like "spiritual leader" or "strong Christian beliefs" or "someone who shares my faith and my understanding of Biblical teaching."

The question is: if you find someone who meets the "must-have" criteria on your checklist, then what are the chances that sexual abstinence before marriage will become a roadblock?

I know that I have such items on my checklist, and I am not concerned one bit that my moral convictions (yes, including sexual abstinence before marriage) will be an issue. Those convictions will not chase away anyone whom I would consider to be a suitable partner. If they did chase her away, then it would be a strong indication that I misjudged her suitability in the first place.

I could not care less whether someone whom I consider unsuitable as a partner also considers me unsuitable. In fact, that saves a lot of trouble all around.

I am not one who thinks that sex outside of marriage is an unforgivable sin. Having said that, if I met a woman I truly loved and believed she loved me, and, if both of us had marriage on the mind in the near future (about 1-2 years), I would wait. That's not to say I wouldn't be making out with her on the couch every chance I got, and it's not to say my hands wouldn't wander over the speed bumps, but I would wait if I was convinced she was the one for me.

It's so difficult to find that right person that a few years of celibacy are a small price to pay.

If I did fall for her temptations and end up having sex with her, I would confess my sin and go on. I sure wouldn't worry myself sick over it. I can think of a lot worse sins than sex in a committed relationship.