I’ve read some of the other posts and while I’m glad I’m not alone, I do feel your pain. I am in so much pain and am experiencing all kinds of emotions. I’m going to try and summarize this so you won’t be reading a novel. My wife and I have been married for about 3 years and have known each other for four and a half years. Throughout our marriage I have had great difficulty with communication and emotional intimacy. Initially our relationship had emotional intimacy, but it was based upon the initial whirlwind that forms when you fall in love. For the last 3 years, my wife has been expressing concern about our lack of communication and emotional intimacy. We had a pattern where things would get better for a few days or week and then they would revert back to the way they were. It’s a pattern consistent with our marriage until recently. We were in joint counseling but as I know now, I didn’t have the emotional awareness to understand what was going on with her and heat she was truly asking of me and wanting me to do. Over these 3 years, my wife has built up a lot of resentment towards me and has lost respect for me. I also need to mention I have ADHD and I’m learning how to cope with the various elements that create issues. I mention this because one of my biggest issues with the ADHD is being impulsive and not thinking things through. When I speak, I tend to exaggerate things and I’m not always aware I’m doing it. This has caused issues of trust within our marriage.

Fast Forward to now. My wife and I have been going to individual counseling. Through my counseling I am making progress and really beginning to feel my emotions and beginning to understand what she’s been going through these past three years. She’s at a point where she is emotionally disconnected from me, has resentment towards me, doesn’t respect me (in terms of a husband/wife relationship), has issues trusting me and has fallen out of love with me. She sees I’m making some changes and progress through counseling but she has said she isn’t sure if she can get herself emotionally connected again and get past the issues. As I stated before, she has fallen out of love with me. This past weekend she told me while she while she wasn’t absolutely sure, she didn’t think she could get herself emotionally connected again and get past our issues.

I want to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I am feeling a tremendous amount of pain as well as a wide variety of other emotions; guilt, anger, sadness and fear. We are going to begin joint counseling again. I know I can’t change her feelings/choice and I know the odds are definitely against me. I believe the key is trying to see if she can fall in love with me. I believe if that occurs, the other issues would have to be in place. I also know this is much easier said than done. One of my biggest concerns is in these past few days, she’s referred to marriage in the past tense when speaking. I haven’t pointed it out to her, but I’ve noticed it. She also has displayed a few other subtle things which suggest she is already moved on as well. What if anything can I do? She is very sensitive and is concerned I am so sad. I don’t want her to feel any guilt since I understand and accept fault for where we are now and yet it seems my sadness is the only things that seems to get an emotional response from her. I’m confused and in so much pain.

You are in a crucial poing in your marriage. Withdrawal is basically the last stage.

I'd encourage you to read and *immediately* implement all of th ematerial in the "Basic Concepts" link up at the top. Then Read *all* the Q&A material in the links up top as well, to see how to apply the BC material in real-world type situations.

Stop all the LB's. Look to meet your W's En's. See if the two of you can fill out the EN questionnaire.

There is hope, it can be turned around, *but* you must act, and act now, with 100% diligence and 200% effort. It may take some time, but if the papers aren't signed, there is hope.

Jayne,

Thanks for your advice and words of encouragement. I've been reading all the things you suggested and I will try and implement everything I can with her.

You may have more comments if you post on the Emotional Needs board, also. There is much more 'action' there.