My BF is a man of actions. Shows me many ways that he cares for me. Is wonderfully considerate. I truly appreciate it.

But he can't "say" it. The dreaded "L" word. Says that he's been burned by it in the past, and that he sees too many relationships around him where people supposedly "love" each other but treat each other horribly. So I understand -- to a degree -- what he means.

HOWEVER...I don't know if I can be in a relationship without it. How important is it to hear the "L" word?

I guess I'm feeling disappointed that previous girlfriends (early immature relationships...) have spoiled that for me. (and I feel that I'm more deserving of it....ya know?)

I'm feeling my walls going up.

Added to that is the "Independent Behavior" love-buster lately. He makes his plans regardless of me. Regardless of my custody weekends etc.

So I'm in this mode of checking out. Who am I to dictate how he spends his time? I'm just some girl he's been dating a few months...

I'm not very good at communicating this without feeling like a nagging B****. So I have this tendency to just shut up and feel neglected. And I am at fault for that. I need to change this. But how?

I let his build-up in previous relationships until my ol LoveBank is drained and I bail, no looking back.

Help me.

Its no wonder your walls are going up. Chances are the LBing did that even before the lack of "ILY" became obvious. This man may not be "the one".

A great book to read in a time like this is "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. Its all about "meantime relationships" and the way that we grow through them on our way to finding "the one".

This relationship will teach you something. Do you know what that something is?


Mrs. W8ing

Well, first of all, the actions are more important than ILY, in my opinion.

Second, it seems like he is just pulling back a little bit. Based on the ILY explanation, perhaps the independence thing is the same... he was feeling a little bit TOO close... TOO good about things (which is a GOOD thing), and just needs a little space and a little time to think. Is he a thinker? I know that I'm cautious about ILY... it took me a while to say it to exBF J, and that's the only point of reference I really have. I recommend that you give him the time and space. If it's unbearable, communicate respectfully about it "when you do this, I feel this, and I'm afraid my love bank is dropping" and negotiate to see what he can change, or if there's something he suggests that you can also change. (I'm trying to remember what I read last night!!! It was about some of this stuff.)

hugs,
Faith1

thanks Mrs. W8 -- I checked out Amazon. Sounds like a great book.

I share some of the same philosophies mentioned in the reviews.

In fact, I shared with BF that even if a "love" relationship doesn't work out in the end, there are gifts and lessons that you learn from it. And the relationship ending doesn't mean that you didn't have those feelings. I see no point in bitterness.

[color:"blue"]I dunno Lexxy. I think it is kind of stubborn/stupid to say that you will never use the "L" word again. It doesn't sound very mature to me. It also sets up a situation where certain women will see it as a challenge and hang around hoping that they will be the one to change him on that issue.

This may sound like game-playing, but my BF did the same sort of thing with the independent behavior. I just made myself unavailable to him - enough that he began to appreciate the time we had available. I also put my foot down a couple of times and stated how I felt about the scarcity of alone time and how I didn't want to share what little time we had with all of his friends.

I struggled too with the idea that until you are married - it is not really independent behavior, is it? I mean it is true - we are just women who they are dating, right?

For me it takes a major effort to wake up BF. Recently the kids were gone and I spent the whole weekend on the couch resting. No BF no kids, ahhhhhh. He was upset and said why couldn't I come and rest at his place??? I said

A. you never just rest - you get bored and want to do something.

2. I end up waiting on you - cooking your meals
C. I generally don't sleep well with you (not used to it anymore)

Another time I shot him incredulous looks as he had me over his house and started to suggest what I could make him for breakfast. I said - this is your house, maybe you should cook for me, your guest. He said my food always tasted better. I said I have news for you - all food tastes better when someone else prepares it.

Well Lexxy, gradually he has started to take a bigger responsibility for taking care of me at his house. He'll offer a meal and cook it too!

So does your BF expect that if he says the "L" word that you will start to treat him horribly?

Where does he make plans to go?

V.[/color]

hey Faith! I know the actions are sooo important. I really do value that. I just seem to be more of a verbal person, and I really need BOTH.

From our conversations about this, I think he's trying to get my blessing to NOT say it. To convince me that he wouldn't be doing all the things he's doing if he didn't have "strong feelings" for me.

So I don't want to seem ungrateful for his efforts....BUT....sigh...

The independence thing...these couple things that have come up are "traditions" to him. He's gone every year to visit family in TX. This year he's going for two weeks. OK...I'll miss him, but I'll live. I just wish there was more consideration of "when" this trip has to be. I'm not too happy with being alone on New Years.

Same thing with the hunting trips....go every flipping weekend that I'm busy with my kids! But when we're going to be so limited in the next few weeks, why does it have to be on MY free weekends?

As far as the actual words go - I *think* I'd be ok without them. I heard them from the ex when he didn't feel them. I've been dating this one guy for about 4 months now - I "feel" the love in actions but not words, and right now just knowing is fine.

But having said that, if you feel it and show it, why can't you say it?

Overall, not just the ILY but other things seem to be in flux here - as you've talked about. Tell him you miss him and want to spend some time together before he travels. And let him know you want the words too. Plan something fabulous for yourself while he's gone, too!

Sunny -- this is a guy who had a couple of real bad experiences (GF's cheated and ended up pregnant by former BF's...twice)
So he swore off dating -- for 12 years.
So if he's swore off the "ILY's", I don't know if I have the patience to hang in there.

Up until now, I've felt pretty special and important to him. Its just that these two issues have got me putting walls up.

Sunny -- that statement you made about challenges is something thats I'm being real careful to avoid. I've been very guilty of this in the past. I don't think its true in this case either, I'm already backing away rather than pursuing it. Its not my job to fix it.

Lexxy,

I understand what you are going through, I went through something similar with BF.

I'm like you, I did keep it all in and one day I just had enough and told him how I felt.

He had no idea it was bothering me because I never let on. So we sat down together and had a long discussion and worked it out.

He is much better at managing his time now. For instance on the weekends that I have kids, we usually spend one day together, lately it's been Sundays. So he goes hunting or do whatever he needs to do on Saturday, and on Sunday, he spends the whole day with me and the kids. On the weekends when kids are with EX, BF goes hunting at 4:30 AM on Saturday, and finished by 9 AM, and the rest of the weekend is mine.

I think you and BF should sit down and discuss it. He just might not even know or realize how much it is bothering you.

As far as ILU, I have said it once and BF have yet, but as I see it actions speak louder than words.

Best of luck to you!

Lexxy...
Do you think he is avoiding you? It sounds like it to me... making plans when it can't be the "two" of you... his vacation...Have you shared your needs with him? I know you said you keep it all in..."how's that workin for ya?"
It just seems to me that there may be something more underlying here. That's my feeling. I also wonder why this is becoming an issue NOW...which also leads me to believe there is something more a foot...???
Just wundurin...

Lexxy...I wish I could help...I'm with you on this one...I can't be in an exclusive relationship without hearing the dreaded "L" word either. Wish I could help...I don't know the answer other than flat out telling him everything you've told us and hope for the best.

HUGS!!!

[color:"blue"]Did you ever wonder what needs those GFs had that weren't being met by your BF? I KNOW that my BF neglected his SOs in the past. [/color]



[color:"blue"] That is a really really long time to be alone. [/color]



[color:"blue"]Tell him that ILY is something you need to hear to make you truly happy. It is just three silly little words fer cryin out loud - would it KILL him to say them in order to please you??? [/color]



[color:"blue"]Well don't forget that even the worst narcissistic psycho creep treats his victim well until she is hooked. [/color]



[color:"blue"]I learned to avoid anyone that even hinted of "challenges". I met a couple of guys online that threw out challenges - like well I really didn't think I would ever remarry unless I meet the right woman sort of statements.

I think you should explain to him that because he is going away for 2 weeks you would appreciate if he could schedule some time together before he leaves. That way he can tell you to forget it and you can stew for good reason. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

V.[/color]

Everyone's different. But as a single mom, I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't have me pretty high on his priority list. Most boyfriends don't get every other weekend free to hunt.

I think this is more about what YOU want from a relationship. Is this really good enough for you? I know how I would answer because I've read your posts since I first got here, and you deserve the best.

Drita -- I don't think he's avoiding me -- he's just in the habit of letting others dictate his schedule. He and a friend always spend last weekend up at their hunting place. His friend happened to pick a weekend that didn't work well for me. I was disappointed that BF didn't speak up and tell him that was a bad choice and try to re-negotiate.

Same thing with his vacation. I'd like him to delay it by a few days but my wishes seem to be low priority...compared to his tradition of going there over New Years.

I guess this is just becoming an issue now, cuz its only happening now....???

Immovin, drita, green,

I'm really viewing alot of this as MY problem. How do I talk to him about my needs without feeling pushy or nagging?

drita -- you cracked me up with the "how's that workin for ya..." Right on the money.

I need to change MY behavior so I don't repeat past mistakes.
How do you talk about this stuff?

I'm not a girl, but I have some opinions on this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

What is happening is normal. You are done with the Infatuation phase, where everything he does comes up roses, and have entered the Disillusionment phase, where the reality starts becoming more, well, real.

It is normal, it is good, it will pass <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. But, it is now an opportunity for you to evaluate him without your head in the, er, clouds, and vice versa.

Do not throw out the baby with the bathwater, and do not dump him just because he is not perfect - he never was. Except that now you can see more clearly.

AGG

I made a suggestion on how to talk to him. Was it not a good one? Did it not make sense? (My feelings aren't hurt... just wondering so we can go from there!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

lol...thanks Faith....reading too fast and not absorbing enough.

AGG -- had the same thoughts about the "infatuation phase."

UPDATE (and its a good one!): BF had an appointment this afternoon with his doctor. He's been planning to have carpel-tunnel surgery done soon. (this was part of his vacation planning since he will be off work for several weeks.) He asked them to schedule it after the first of the year.

So....he will be here for the events I wanted him here for (a family wedding, and a big New Years party with friends) AND he did it to make me happy -- without me saying anything about it.

He's really a sweetheart. Another of his "actions" LOL...

Lexxy,

Now is the time to show him your appreciation! Men love that!


I'm happy for ya!

That's great Lex! But... you still had some things buggin ya. Don't let them build up. His weekends away... the ILY thing. I agree with AGG, don't panic, but, don't stuff it away and let it build up either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />