I had posted earlier about my husband viewing webcams. Everytime he is home alone, I get those nagging, paranoid feelings that he is up to viewing again. He'll deny it when confronted. I noticed a few suspicious things in the history file but didn't confront him, knowing he'd deny it. I am thinking of downloading a Keylogger program that will run in stealth mode and log what he does on his days off. I feel that is the only way I'll truly know what he is up to. On the other hand, how healthy is it to be in a relationship where you have to even have these kinds of feelings.

I'm afraid once the trust is gone, there is just no rebuilding.

It is possible to rebuild, but it requires honorable behavior on the person that cost the relationship the trust.

I don't believe in my own mind that there's anything wrong with double-checking. It gives you peace of mind if you were wrong, and it provides catalyst for change if you're right.

I haven't been there but I know a lot of couples who have and I have to tell you this:

Don't go that route unless you really want to know. I know so many couples who have gone this route of installing spyware on their computers and none of it was a happy outcome. The other spouses who weren't doing anything found out and they were pissed.

I'm not sure betraying trust to find out if you can trust someone else is a great solution to the problem.

He did catch me checking the history and got really mad. So I was glad that I did not put a spy program on. I tried to explain it was just this past July that I caught him lying right to my face about viewing porn. And when I showed him my proof, only then would he admit it.

from a FWS - if your H wanted to show you that you could trust him, he would not mind at all that you are checking up on him....he would be proud to show you that he has nothing to hide. If he makes a fuss then you know he has something to hide.
My H never checked up on me and I was grateful that he at least showed he had that much trust in me, but I would not have minded if he did insist on checking. We still have trust issues but we are working on it.

Edited to say that:-
"...My H never checked up on me as far as I knew". I just told him about my post and his first response was "...and who said that I never "checked up on you" ?"

He said "That you were willing to let me check up on you was enough for me to know that I really didn't have to."

Sounds like there are potentially serious trust issues in your M. You don't trust him, and he's not acting in a trustworthy manner. You might want to try asking him how does he feel, knowing that the one person he should be closest to does not trust him; and knowing that it's his actions that are contributing to that lack of trust.

Do you have SH's book "LoveBusters"?

I think Tangled's reply up there was right on -- if your hsb wasn't hiding anything, he wouldn't care if you checked the history.

I do want to say that it is possible to move on and regain trust. In the past 5 years I've discovered my h has been on porn sites (gay sites, which is esp. disturbing). Well, I always had an idea when he'd been doing it, because his behavior changed -- he'd get all snarly and ugly natured, and I knew something was up. So I'd go check the history, and sure enough... But anyway, it's been a year since I caught him last (at that point I was calling divorce lawyers) and I think it scared him into not doing it again. I haven't been checking the history, but I haven't noticed the tell-tell changes in his behavior either.

Another story -- this isn't about porn, but about unfaithfulness and regaining trust. 20 years ago, my hsb's best friend moved out of his home, leaving his wife and 6 year old son, and moved in with his young fling. The wife (my good friend) stuck it out, prayed for his repentence, went through her own self-improvement program, and eventually, about 6 months later, he came back. The first few months (and I guess years) after he came back, it was really hard for her to trust him again -- anytime he was late home for work or something she'd be terrified it was starting over again. But he proved faithful, and she eventually regained trust, and they just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary, so anyway, I just thought it was pretty cool that there was repentence, forgiveness, and restored trust in what really is a good marriage between two really cool people.

I am right in the middle of a trust issue. Try to make a long story short, my husband of 22 years had an affair, in fact they still talk. She told him she cant not take care of her marriage with him around, and he says he can separate us two, wife and mistress and save our marriage. I do not feel like he can, because when I asked him to erase all of her emails he told me very clear that I can erase all I want, but it will not stop his emotional feeling of her. I could have cried all over again. It is really not over with his feeling that way about her. At this moment in time, I am beginning to not care, they just had a 5 month anniversary, do not know if they realized, I did. I am almost to the I dont care attitude. Because of what I do, how much I try to make him happy, he is not. He actually glows after seeing her. Strange but he does. They are only friends he says, but the emotional part is there. I wish she would contact me once on one, not telling him, she goes into this email, but do not if she would do that. Perhaps afraid of what I might say. There are two sides to all stories, and poor H, do not know what he told MC, which is the OW. Still upset in Texas City, maybe she will read this and contact me, and talk to me. I think she does not want to know the truth about him and his verbal abuse for 22 years, until he met her that changed. Now that he does not have much contact, his angry is showing again at times. Perhaps he does need her, more than what he admits. Contact me MC if you read this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lets talk privately....That will be the day. Scared to??????????????????

Hey, 234...you sound beaten down by a WH...not a FWH. Were you hoping for someone else, like maybe your H to appear?

Remember that you do not erase all his emails...reply, "When you want to recommit to our marriage, I know you'll erase all your affair emails. I know you know that he your choice, your domain, just like your thoughts, feelings and beliefs."

Get it straight in your head that he is STILL in the affair if they have any contact at all, in any way. He can't go through withdrawal until there is no contact. He won't get to where you are, because you KNOW these feelings are his and are for a fantasy, not a real person, until he gets through withdrawal.

His choice. Not yours. You have your own to make.

"She's just a friend."
"Married, committed partners do not have friends who are enemies of their marriage."
"She's not an enemy of my marriage!"
"Yes, she is. She knows this. She knows you are an enemy of her marriage also. Your choices to have an A destroyed two families. You can't fix hers, but you can rebuild yours. As long as there is contact, the affair continues."

Please heal your own hurt that you are causing yourself. You believe she, a person, makes him happy. It is a lie they are telling each other...he is thrilled with a clean slate, no resentments, pain, or reality from daily living as you have experienced with him for 22 years. This isn't about you, 234. This is about him, his stuff. Your choice to believe him, though. No one can stop you. That searing pain you are causing yourself, adding to real betrayal, by betraying yourself in your choice to make his belief yours. Doesn't have to be. You're seperate and equal humans.

Now, what are your boundaries and what exposure have you done or will do? Does OWH know of the affair? Her family? Her practice? Your WH's work? The ethics committee governing MC's? Revoked her license?

Your WH wishes he could have both...called cake eating...and may lie to himself and to you saying he can do this, but whether he could or not, it crosses your boundaries, correct?

Get some IC, 234...you're worth it. You can do this. Read up on Plan A...it isn't about doing everything to please your WH or make him happy...it is about changing the dynamics of your marriage, injecting respect, ownership and boundaries into it, without Lovebusters.

You can do this.

LA

My husband broke my trust a long time ago. When I first found out he was cheating on me! I have tried forgiving but never will forget & when he tells me he is watching tv but then I find out he looked at porn websites all night I guess it makes it hard to trust again. They say once someone breaks your trust it is hard to ever get it back.

Hi, DG...

It is difficult, not impossible. Stay here and read...find these threads that speak to you...and speak back to them.

I believe trust is half earned and half given...earning it takes awareness and commitment from the one who broke it...and giving it is slow--takes practice, like acquiring faith in your intent and theirs...

Have you read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend? You are half the marriage...your job is to own your part and protect the marriage, even when you don't feel like protecting your partner. Learn about healthy boundaries and progressive enforcements.

And stay present...don't look into the future, seeing what you have today...lack of trust or belief in your partner...humans are dynamic...they change when they want to, learn and grow...we all do...tomorrow may be nothing similar, so don't waste your time pondering what hasn't yet arrived.

LA

Kay- Your H views porn and you feel that is a betrayal of you? I think few people are ever 100% to someoone else. Some couples use porn to spice up thier sex lives. I have known couples where the wife felt that way and sadly most of those mariages never survivied. Did your husband actually cheat on you with a real other woman? I think Jimmy Carter's saying that if you cheat in your mind you actually cheat carries it to far. Do you get upset when your husband sees an attactive woman and apreciates her? If I got upset everytime my wife saw a handsome man I would always be upset. I think you need to develope trust in your self and quit driving your husband away. Is there more to this story than you are telling??? Johoman