This is my first post but I have been lurking awhile. When I first registered I was hopeful we were headed for recovery. We had been separated about 1 1/2 months. He had been saying he wanted to come home blah blah blah. He swore when he came home he was done with the OW. Well needless to say it was just another lie. I caught him by accident going to her house on day while I was on my lunch hour. He moved back out that night. He had been home 2 1/2 weeks. I realize now he never should have moved back in so soon. I guess you live and learn.

I have seen a lawyer but haven't had a court date as of yet. My H is living in a run down house and OW is also staying there. My H is 40 will be 41 Christmas day, I am 41 and the OW is 21. Younger than our D22. Needless to say she is disgusted by his behaviour as she remembers OW from HS and recalls what kind of person she was in school. Everybody he knows has told him what a mistake he is making but for some reason he thinks this is ok. He is self-employed and the business has suffered IMHO because of his behavior this past year and because he chose to play around chasing her instead of putting the time and effort into the business. Now he tells me he has no money can't pay the bills and we need to sell lots from our farm in order to pay off the farm and house. I think he just wants me to bail him out.

In the beginning I did a plan A though I didn't know that's what I was doing until coming to this site. I guess it just got to be too much and he was getting more blatant as time passed and he needed to move out. Now I'm doing plan B. This is not what I want but I realize I can't make him do what I want him too. We were childhood sweethearts and have been married for 23 years. On top of all this while we were separated the first time my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I don't really know what the prognosis is. Right now I need my H to lean on for comfort and support and he is nowhere to be found. I do have two wonderful children D22 and S17. My daughter got married this summer so S17 is the only one home. My in-laws have been great and so has my family. I really do have a great support system whereas my H has no one but the OW. I just wanted to see if anyone thought there was something I should try to maybe get him to see what he is doing not only to his family but to himself. His circle of friends is rapidly shrinking but he doesn't seem to notice. I think I maybe a lost cause. Any advice would be appreciated. I probably left out some things but right now it's kind of hard to think.

Hang in there. Some of the more experienced posters will drop in and give you good advice. I wouldn't pursue divorce if you don't want it. Your situation is not hopeless and I can't see this affair lasting very long under the circumstances you describe. Don't do anything you might regret. I am so sorry about your father's diagnosis. Sometimes the timing of these affairs are really bad. You will get lots of support here if you want it. Stick around and good luck.

I do not know what to tell you other than how sorry I am for you. You need to see a lawyer ASAP. Secure your finaces as he is goiong down fast. He could take you with him.

Newly,

So very sorry you find yourself here, but WELCOME! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

DO NOT SELL ONE SINGLE SQUARE INCH OF THAT FARM!!!

He is the one with his own business!? Let him figure out what to do. Why doesn't he have any money? Spend it all on the little tart? YOU DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT.

Your husband is THINKING WITH THE WRONG HEAD! The 21 year old can only woo him with tawdry SF for so long, then her immaturatiy will show. (Sounds like he is that immature too) He is totally addicted to the A and has become an alien being. You can't believe a word that comes from his mouth right now.

I think it is good you are in plan B. He must sink on his own until he hits rock bottom. If you can pay your bills and survive without his help, all the better.

Do nothing rash for a couple more months. Christmas may cut through the addicted fog that he is in right now. Unless you do WANT the big D.

So it has only been 2 or 3 months since he has been with OW? I would think the goof would come to his senses soon.

There is a good thread about long distance LBs you can send to the OW through rather devious means by Serena and Ark^^.

Check it out!

Stay strong and keep posting here. Mucho good advise for you to become pro-active. Have you exposed to all you can?

k

Thanks so much for your replys. No I really don't want a divorce but I have seen a lawyer. I am going to call him back tomorrow and see if I can get a court date to set up at least temporary arrangements for the mortgage and cs. My lawyer said I could put it on hold at any time. I don't intend to sell any of the land unless it comes right down to selling or losing it. The A has actually been going on since at least January. I believe she thinks he has lots of cash. It shouldn't take long to figure out he doesn't.

He buys and sells wrecked vehicles and used cars. He spent the last year playing around running after her and didn't pay enough attention to the business and anyway who wants to do business with someone the whole town knows is a liar and a cheat. I live in a small town and everybody knows everything about everybody.

He turned 40 last Christmas sold his business that he had been pretty successful at for a number of years, started a new one and our daughter got engaged all in a matter of a few months.

I can pretty much pay the bills except the mortgage. But what do I do if anything needs to be repaired and unexpected expenses come up. I do have to see him on occasion. Our son plays basketball and I see him at the games. I have avoided talking to him on most occasions. I know I've skipped around alot but I'm trying to answer all questions and it is getting late. Hopefully I will be more coherent tomorrow and can think better. I am exhausted with all the drama in my life.

Well, I had to pay my lawyer half of the retainer now to get to process started and the other half to finish. This is not what I want but I need to protect myself financially. In his present state of mind I don't know what my WH will do. He has changed so much in the past year I can't begin to predict his behaviour. I am not going to push the divorce. I just need to get somethings taken care of and maybe get some money coming my way. He says he is broke and doesn't have any money. Maybe he is maybe he isn't I don't know.

I have been reading some of the posts on here and I have been seeing some posters saying to others your WH is the type to come back. I'm not sure what exactly that means, can someone please explain? Also, there were some references to cheaters following the same course. I guess I mean doing basically the same things in order during their affairs. Is there someone that can explain this?

I am also interested in the opinions of anyone on how long this A will continue. Everyone who knows the OW has the exact same opinion of her. She is a gold-digger. They are currently renting back rooms in a old house, have no furniture and are trying to hide where they live. He is telling everyone he is living on tuna fish and canned chili. My son plays basketball and he comes to all the games but I'm sure he has told her she can't come because they can't be seen together. I think I would get tired of being someone's dirty little secret. I'm sure he is also telling her this is only temporary. I wonder how long it will take before she realizes he has fed her a bunch of lies and things won't be better for them for a long time if ever. I have been told everyone of his friends have told him he's making a mistake that she is only after money but he doesn't listen to anyone. He says she's not a bad girl just had a hard life. What a crock.

I'm really just looking for any advice I can get on how to proceed. Part of me just wants to divorce and get on with my life but a bigger part wants my H back. The one I was married to for 22 years not the one from the last year. I have been doing plan b. I didn't send a letter but, I have stated what was needed to him in person. The reason I have not sent a letter is because I wrote him a letter telling him I was letting go several months ago and he shared it with her. Talk about double betrayal. This was a few weeks before he moved out the first time. I'm really just looking for some hope and advice on my situation. Any advice from some of the veterans on this board would be greatly appreciated.

Ok thank god you are doing something with the lawyer. That ought to wake him up some. Do not get involved in his plea's now - he will not want to part with one cent. He will get angry becuase you are throwing this wrench in his A. It will get tough for himand OW. SF only lasts so long. Does she work? If not she will have to get a job to support him. Have the kids buy him a cd with music they like at their ages. That will be played by her over and over until he goes crazy. Some of their music is awful. He he..
He is going to start seeing what an age difference they have and how he is being a jerk soon. Think about it would you want to date some of the boys your DD's age? He is trying to recapture his youth thro SF with a young woman. He must look like an old fool to everyone around him. Have your children had anything to say to their father?

Go ahead and file for legal support. Would your husband get half of the land? The best thing for you is to protect yourself and your family financially. A WS can go through all of your assets and life savings very quickly.

Then, when the affair doesn't work out, you still have lots of problems to face.

One thing - does he have any favorite receipes that you always made him -if she knew he liked certain things and tried cooking them they may be so awful that he would say my W cooks this so much better. Tell me how is he starting to look when you see him at these games. It must be starting to show - sometimes they sart looking tired, older ect. Are his clothes clean ect. Hair cut or messy. These are signs that he is starting to fall apart. Stop worring so much about him and take care of yourself, when you go to those games amke yourself look wonderful, big smiles, bright eyes, happy ect. Let him see what he is missing. When son is almost done tell him what you made for dinner and to get right home. He may say to Dad - hey got to get home Mom made this for dinner or dessert -see what i mean?

Yes ow works though I don't know how good of a job it is. She was a waitress and now she work gets this on a pig farm testing sperm. I don't think she has regular hours and I don't think she makes very much. I know she has a car payment and insurance and has had to borrow money from her mother to pay her cell phone bill. My son's best friend is her age and I can't imagine dating someone that age. I think of him as a kid and yes everyone has told him what an idiot he is. Can't seem to get through the fog. Our daughter got married in June and has not seen him since August, except at the ballgames. She will wave and speak if she sees him. He has told her to call him and she said to me she wasn't going to call. She remembers the girl from school. She was a Freshman when DD was a senior. My DD is so disgusted she can't hardly stand it. My son worked for him. When he found out about the A he quit his job and started to work for his girlfriend's father on their farm. I think WH calls him pretty often. My DD changed her cell phone number when she married and moved and his excuse is he doesn't have her number. Even though I have offered. I think he doesn't want to hear what she might have to say. DS is pretty quiet about everything but he did say to me he has zero respect for him.

Yes I believe he would get half. I will do what I have to do to keep the house. If I have to sell lots I will, but I will be the one in charge of the income or I will not do anything. Right now I don't think it will come to that. But just in case I have thought about how it needs to be handled. Everything will be used to pay the debt and nothing will go to me or him. Him because I will be damned if he will have any to spend on her.

He used to be very social at the games. Always moving aroung talking to different people. Kind of like nervous energy. Not staying in one place very long. Now he comes to the games and sits in one spot and always sits by the same person. A person that no one really wants to sit by because he is so obnoxious. He never yells like he used to, you almost wouldn't know he was there. Well he is balding on top and he shaves his whole head. He is one of those people who look good with a shaved head. His goatee is all gray. He wears a hat most of the time and I noticed that she must have washed his hat. It was all faded and looked like she may have used some type of strong cleaner on it. I noticed it from across the gym so it must look really bad up close. He does look tired and as one person said acts kind of humble. I try to ignore him at the games. He gave me half of my DS insurance a couple of weeks ago and he gave me the rest tonight and asked me about the property taxes, so maybe he is still thinking about what needs to be paid. I hope anyway.

I have lost 30lbs since this started and everyone comments on how good I look. I always make sure I look really good when I go out just in case someone sees me who may tell him. I know for a fact that alot of his friends have made comments to him about me even before we separated. The og is the complete opposite of me she wears no make-up and is blonde my hair is very dark. She is also about 5ft and probably weighs about 100lbs and not very attractive. As my daughter said she is kid and she's ugly. Actually I always say she looks like she is 12. I am 5ft 5 and weigh 145. It's more than I can comprehend. I am trying not to dwell on it and for the most part I do really well. The week days are fine the weekends are tough and to top it all off my dad was diagnosed with cancer while we were separated the first time so I'm am also dealing with that. Needless to say this year will not go down in history as one of my favorites. 2006 has got to be better.

I am hoping things will unravel for them soon. I just don't see her hanging around when she realizes he doesn't have the funds she thinks he has. Thanks to all for you advice.

I have tried to look up posts on LBs from afar by Serena and Ark^^ as suggested, I didn't find any from Serena and only some newerr ones by Ark^^. How do you find the ones that are older? I must be doing something wrong. I hope she is doing LBs on her own and mine will just make it worse.

When you do a search, make sure the "date range" field is filled in with something like "Newer than 20 weeks" or something like that. I think it defaults to 1 week which may be why you are only getting current posts.

Hope this helps.

I am so sorry. I am proud of you for being so strong and getting a lawyer. I guess I need to think about that myself, but it is just too new and raw. Not for a D, but for an S. I just do not know.

I cannot imagine what dating someone that young is like. I am 34 and see 21 y/o as kids. Honestly, they are in such different places. Please? I think you are right, she is a goldigger and she will realize that he does not have the money to support her. She probably aready has and is trolling for another mark. I can't imagine that this will continue. The one thing you have to consider though is if it is her that rejects him and he comes crawling back, do you want that? You want him to come to you because of you. I am sorry, this is a conversation I had with my mom yesterday. It just kind of hit me. Just don't let him come back right away. Get counselling seperately and together. All of this is so very sad.

I need to pull myself up from my bootstraps and you are inspiring. YOu looking good and feeling good physically anyway is so great. Me on the other hand....Need to work on that. Thank you.

I can't imagine it either. I have been told that she whines and complains alot. He never could stand it when the kids did that. I can't believe he could put up with it from her.

I talked to one of his friends the other day and he said everyone was betting on how long it would last. I didn't ask how long everyone thought. He then said he would want to come home. I let him come home once and it was too soon and as you know didn't work. I have decided if it came to that we would have to start over and no he couldn't just move back in. At this point he would have to do so much to prove himself to me that I don't know if he could do it.

Lost & Confused are you separated? I just think this whole situation is so senseless. We were happily married for 22 years. I just don't see how you throw that away for someone like this. It boggles the mind.

newlyhopeful,

i'm new to this also. My WH is home and very much sorry for the A but not until I went through more than a year of unbelievable heartache. My H has only been home for a few weeks. I still cry all the time.

i'm still trying to get a handle on what happened and why. we've been married for more than decade and have kids also. I agree that it is senseless. I know the feeling of wondering what purpose does all of this madness serve.

i'm thinking about you during all of this. I hope you have wonderful friends and family and faith to lean on as you walk through this time in your life. I have all of this and it's still hard oftentimes.

do you really want him back? this is a question i am still asking myself. Why do you, if you do want him? I'm still struggling with the fact that I have always been true to him and he has given away a part of himself that I feel I will never get back. I would love to hear your perspective on all this.

I have more wonderful friends than I ever thought I had. Some are old friends some are relatively new friends. My family and my WH family have all been a tremendous amount of support to me. My WH has lost the support of his family and none of his friends support him in this. Most tell him what an idiot he is to give up everything for a gold-digging w****. He refuses to see her for what she is. Says she's a good girl just had a hard life. Makes me sick.

Do I really want him back. That's something I am struggling with everyday. Somedays I think why on earth would you and then I remember the good years before the affair. Sometimes I think it's because this is the only thing I've known for most of my life. Then I wonder why wasn't our marriage and me something to fight for? I don't know if it is because of rejection or something I truly want. I guess I will always wonder. It is definitly a struggle. I am more at peace the longer he is gone and I hope by living with the OG that he sees her for what she is. Maybe he will. Maybe she is what truly makes him happy. I don't think so, but who really knows. He may be one to stay with her just to prove everyone wrong. I really hope this Christmas is his worst ever. He tells people how bad he is having it financially. They say behind his back he is getting what he deserves. My one question is if everyone else can see what a mistake your making why can't you? That's the million dollar question.

Newly,

You have just summed up all I have been feeling as well.

I wish you the best of luck and I am thinking of you and praying for all of us.

Take Care,

Hurting

Ditto for me. Hugs to all.

I know plan b is to help the BS but, how long before you start to see evidence that it is working on the WH. I actually am feeling better everyday and I know this has been good for me. Makes me see I will be fine with or without him. Maybe not what I want but I will survive. I do have to see my WH at my son's games. I don't normally have to talk to him but on occasion he has given my some money. Just short talks nothing about relationship. I try to always look my best and appear to be happy. He may not notice but maybe somebody will. Thanks everyone and you all are in my prayers.

Well I feel like I really blew it yesterday. I received a call from our bank about the mortgage payment on Friday. Seems WH hasn't made the last 2 payments. I called my lawyer and he said he would get a court date this week and to talk to WH and tell him to make a least one payment. I in the meantime find out he has sold a vehicle (he has a small car lot) and he has also purchase somethings for a motorcycle he is fixing up to sell(the e-mail confirmation came to our home address). I talked to him yesterday and told him the bank had called. He immediatly said I never worried about it before. That made me so mad. I know I know I should have reversed babbled to him but, I'm not good at that. I told him I didn't care if he had money or not but DS and I had to have a place to live whether he did or not. He hung up. I immediatly called him back. He then trys to be calm and tells me his is trying to gather money to make the payment. I tell him I know he has sold a truck and bought some things. He admitted yes and he would make one payment Monday and another by the end of the week.
He then goes into why did I have to get a lawyer we could have agreed and done it ourselves and he wouldn't hardly cost anything. I told him it wasn't costing him anything that I was the one pay for it and his reply was well that's the first thing you paid for. He's got a little gold-digger with a half-a** job and I don't pay for anything. I said to him I may not have paid for anything big but I did pay alot of the small stuff. He always used to make a comment about how my job wasn't really important. Well we'll see how important it is when he has to pay me and keep up a house for ow without her providing hardly any income. Maybe he'll appreciate my little piddling job. Which by the way is hardly piddling.

Then I get more upset and cry sorry couldn't help it. I say all I feel now is not good enough. He crys and says it was never me. By the way he has always said it wasn't me. There was nothing wrong with me. I am perfect and nobody could compare to me. What in the h*** is the problem am I to perfect. It makes me want to scream. This is not typical from what I've read. He got to crying and I said I guess he would like me to crawl in a hole and die and then he wouldn't have to deal with me and he hung and I haven't talked to him since. I know major LB. What to do? For the most part I do okay but sometimes I just lose it. I really feel he doesn't want this but feels he has messed up so bad he can't go back and there is the matter of the 21 yr old ow whom he has been living with since he left a month ago. I am filing the papers to protect the house and get cs but not going to push the divorce. I'm just not sure how to proceed. I'm going to stay dark and wait and see. Any advice?