I apologize for using this forum, however, despite searching, I have not been able to find an answer to this question anywhere. So if this is the wrong place, could someone direct me to where I can repost this same question?

In short, my wife and I have been married for 17yrs, however, she left with the children in July 05. She left because she saw what she thought to be pornography on my computer screen. Now, in truth, I had a brief 2wk affair 5yrs ago and I have, in the past, visited inappropriate web sites. Unfortunately, it took me 3yrs to tell her about the affair and after I did she essentially lumped the pornography in with the affair and stated I had a sexual addiction. She said she wanted to keep our marriage together and gave me a laundry list of conditions I would need to fulfill for her to continue in the marriage.

One of those conditions was attending a Sexual Addiction seminar, in which I felt grossed out all weekend. She also told her parents, 3 mutual friends, and her brother about my failures, which of course has made me very popular with them (NOT). We then moved and did not follow up with any type of counseling or marriage enrichment, so our marriage became more and more tense as we eventually found anything we talked about inflammatory. That atmosphere worsened until July 05 when she left me because, as I said, she saw what she thought was pornography on my computer screen, when in fact, I haven’t been anywhere near that stuff since at least September last year. Since that time my wife has told my parents and all of my siblings of my past vices and now is pushing to tell our 4 children: 14, 11, 9, and 7 also.

Now there is much more to the story about what we have both done in the past, however, she has been advised by those who have only heard her side of the story that the children need to know about Daddy’s past mistakes so that they can be given an opportunity to avoid similar mistakes. Although I seem to have been discussing all my “sins” for months now with numerous counselors and wannabe’s, I just have a hard time believing that this type of information is beneficial at all for our children, who just simply want Mommy and Daddy back together. We have read Dr Harleys books and are very excited and anxious to get going on the workbook whenever(?) my wife thinks we should be back together. So please tell me: Should the children be told about all our past mistakes (including my 2 gigantic ones) and if so how much and when?

Thanks for the advice.

The problem is that it's not like it's being used as an example, it's being used by an angry, bitter person as a weapon/tool.

There's no reason to rush telling anything, it can certainly wait until the relationship has stabilized.

And frankly, I'm not sure at that age that kids need to see their parents as too fallible. Not gods, but until they're just about to leave, they need love and support, and not "My dad's a sex freak".

In this case, and while I"m sure there's a long road to recovery ahead, I think your take on the matter is pretty sound. On the other hand, doesn't sound like there's much you can do to stop it, since your W seems to like to spread the news of her own volition...

My gut is telling me she set you up for failure.

You screwed up -- bad -- five years ago. You confessed some time after. She was probably feeling hurt not only by your infidelity but by being kept in the dark for so long.

My guess is she was waiting for you to screw up again; not going for counseling, and preparing to walk away from you once you crossed a line again. July gave her an excuse. Your having a sexual addiction gives her a reason, other than just not wanting to fight the fight anymore. And if she tells the children, they stop blaming her for taking them away from their father -- at least, that is what she hopes....

It's very sad indeed. I don't know how to fix it -- but that's what my instincts tell me is going on.

No jvb....your children do NOT and should not be told about these things if they are in the past. And I have some very good advice for you. Your wife, friends and relatives do not have the training to know what children do or do not need. The idea that learning about adult problems, or destroying their view of their father...things that are beyond their emotional developement level could be good for them, is absurd. Tell your wife that before you tell the children, you'd like you and she to go to see a good child psychologist and ask his advice before telling the children anything. He can talk to you two about the risks of doing such a thing. If he agrees they should know (and he won't) then you can say you're willing to tell them. Adult problems destroy the innocence of childhood. Instead of worrying about the kinds of things they should be worried about....like whether they get picked for the soccer team....they are worried about whether daddy is a sex addict or not. A good family counselor can help both the kids and you and your wife. Any teaching that needs to be accomplished for these children about things that should be "avoided" can be taught in the general way that you might approach drugs or smoking.....not in the specific way that will destroy their relationship with you. And if your wife wants to get back together with you....perhaps you need some "conditions" too....like an end to her resentment, anger, punishment and some real forgiveness.

Thank you everyone so much for your advice. I will certainly try to find a way to protect our children from all this.