Some background my WW of 18 yrs. had an A with my BIL for 2 years off/on. D-Day was 24 Sep 05.
She admits that she is in love with him, but knows that they can never be together. I have asked many questions about remorse, guilt…etc… I don’t feel that she has come out of the “fog” or “withdrawal” at this time. Things are still tense and I am still confused about a lot of issues.

My question is in regard to a conversation that we had last night. She wrote me a letter a few days ago telling me that she felt that I had cheated on her in the past. Last night she asked me if I had, and I had to admit, due to reading so much information on this site and forum, that I did in fact have and EA back in the late 1990’s. I admitted it to her and answered her questions about the EA. I have to say that after reading all the info on this site, I now realize that it was and EA, but have never heard the term before.

She does not believe that is was only and EA, but I think she will come to understand that it was in no way a PA, simply due to the fact that we would not let it go that far. Did I do the right thing by admitting this to her at this time, or will it push her away more? I feel like it was right to admit it to show that I expect total honesty, so I will give total honesty in return.

Any advice is appreciated.

I think you did the right thing.
I know as that as a woman I notice the slightest change in my H. She must have suspected it or she wouldn't have asked. My H has had EA's with 3 women but refuses to see it that way.
Just remember that SHE is going to feel all the things about your EA that you are now feeling about her A w/BIL.
That's the worst part. I'm hoping that she won't feel that it is justification for her actions. That may happen.
There is never a good reason to cheat your spouse out of your time & affection.
Hang in there & have the patients with her that you want her to give to you also.

Tia,

I will say that after I told her about the EA she stated that she did not feel as bad about her A as she previously did. Which made me instantly feel that she felt justification.

I see that you've posted quite a few times, so I'm going to assume that you've been advised by many to seek MC and/or IC. But, the one question I have for you is this: Do you both have the same goal in regards to recovery?

If you do not then recovery will be extremely difficult. It sounds like she is filled with resentment towards you and that makes it easier for her to justify her actions. Through MC/IC that will hopefully change to her accepting responsibility for her own actions. At the same time, you will also need to explore why she did this. Find out when she starting having wayward thoughts. You may discover that your EA might have started the ball rolling.

Good luck.

When was "exposure day" ??

BIL ~~~> brother-in-law ... implies this man is married, either to one of your sisters, or to one of your wife's sisters. Which?

Does the wife know? The rest of the family?

What went down?

oh .... I see.... you answered this on another thread .....


For me, this "family member affair" has a far more pungent odor than a run-of-the-mill office co-worker affair ...

What has happened to the family dynamics since exposure?

The BIL is M to my sister.

Exposure was the same day (he admitted to it to my sister)

The entire family knows about this.

As far as recovery, I feel that we both want to repair our M but at this time are not in MC/IC. I am looking into it.

I do feel that her suspicions of my EA may have very well made her feel justification for her A.

For me, this "family member affair" has a far more pungent odor than a run-of-the-mill office co-worker affair ...

What has happened to the family dynamics since exposure?

The family is torn apart over this. Thanksgiving was a terrible day and I forsee Christmas to be the same way. We had our family dinner less my W and BIL. We have all as a family ensured NC from the second we found out about this.

well ... it might be a short-term distraction to the horrific DAMAGE her affair caused to your family ...

but so what?

the fall-out of her actions will be waiting for her when she can no longer avoid looking at them...

has your wife apologized to any family members including your sister ?

so both of them have been held equally responsible?

Pep

Absolutely they have been held equally responsible. They both know what they did, but I like what you said about the fall-out being there.

My W tried to apologize to my sister, but she won't talk to her, understandably....W has apologized to my mom. No one else will talk to her. Just as my BIL tried to apologize to me.....I don't want to hear it right now.........

may I make a suggestion?

when you feel strong enough to control yourself ... allow this to happen....

pick a public place with ~some~ sound privacy ... like a restaurant with high-walled booths

you and him

let him talk

you are NOT required to offer forgiveness .... not at that time

you can also say to him what he has done to you
your kids
your sister
your entire family

.... may I suggest you do not wait too much longer to do this ....

why?

because it will help your marriage!

you can put painful truth-daggers into BIL ... and not harm your marriage

I'd do it if I were you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When I compare my FWW apologies in the beginning to now I can definitely hear and see a difference. At first it was like she was saying, "I'm sorry you found out about this." Now when I hear her say "I'm sorry" it sounds like she's saying, "I'm so sorry to have done this to us and I'm so ashamed."

Listen to your BIL's apologies. Maybe over time you'll hear a difference in his apologies and know if he means it.

I agree that you did right by telling her but....funny that she would ask.

Just get ready/ not sure if it will happen or not but she might try and put you in the same boat and from a spiritual perspective she may be right for the bible says that even to lust is adultery & an EA does invite lusting. From my experience, my EA > did have some not so innocent thoughts. And my H knows this and used it against me several times after his A. No he wasn't blaming me because he took full responsibility for his actions; but he did let me know I wasn't total innocent when I would bring up his A.

So with that said just be prepared for anything

I see what you mean about letting him apologize to me. I never really thought about it that way because of the anger I have towards him. Given the opportunity, I will talk to him. I do want him to know what his part of this has done to the entire family.

krk

when this goes down ... sit silently until HE opens up ... let HIM go first .... it is important that he not know what you are thinking or feeling first

I would imagine that I would let him go first just because I feel that I deserve the apology. He probably knows how I feel anyway, because I have known him the entire two years.