I'm just past D-Day number 3 and not sure how to keep myself functioning when H works late. I have posted here before, shortly after D-Day#2, under Pregnancy/Child. If there is any way to keep a long story short, I will try to. D-Day #1 seems neither here nor there now, but it was back on 4/23/05. There were all kinds of promises and whatnot and crying, but not NC. I found the common sense to insist on NC througout the summer, and more promises and crying were made, and I thankfully found this site. I went to work on avoiding LBs and trying to discover and meet H's ENs. D-Day #2 came 10/03/05. In a weird way, at least it was all three of us. An ultimatum was presented (by OW!), and he chose her. I went home to hash out the urgent stuff with him(who lives here, who leaves, who makes what car payment), and help him pack, and he swore that he had no intention of leaving me, and was afraid of her. Yes, afraid. Of course, he was unable to deny that they were on pregnancy #3. Whoopee. We have been TTC for 5 years. I get the picture.
We have been in MC since. 2 discoveries of contact. He swore in MC that it was him insisting to her that it was over, and to stop contacting him until child was born.
oops. Not true. 12/03/05.
He goes to her, not knowing that she left a message on our phone that he didn't delete. He won't answer his cell, so I call her's. Thankfully, she answers. Yeah, he's there. She & I chat for awhile. She won't have him anymore, since he won't follow through on his promises to her to leave me. She says that she will end this pregnancy, "so that it will not be a problem in your life anymore". Ack! It's not my request!
Every MC session we have been in to date, he has been with her still, and lying. Everything says and has said since then has sounded just like what he has said before.
When he & I talked the rest of the night, I did tell him that I do Love him, I am his biggest fan, I believe in him, I support him, but I don't want to slide into the land of STUPID.
So, H is working late tonight, like so many nights before, and I am not able to contain myself. I am going nuts. I can't stand it. This is most likely a legitimate thing, but I can't quell the panic. I have taken a nice warm bath by candlelight and a glass of wine-no help. I am frantic.
How do you all find the strength to Plan A when it just keeps going?
When does this stop? It feels as new to me again as this past Sat. Any input would be valued. Help!

Sounds to me as though "plan A" has given a fair run by you and now it's time to move to "plan B."

"I love you, but I will not live with you anymore because MARRIAGE is the voluntary giving up of 'single rights' and the CHOICE to have an exclusive relationship. There is NO room in a marriage for anyone else other than God, and I will love you from 'afar.'

Until there is real and lasting CHANGE, I will no longer subject myself to your hateful actions because it hurts too much. How long this will last will be up to you, but make NO mistake about it, I CAN continue to love you even though I may not be married to you. You made the mess, now you have to decide to clean it up or let be a part of your life for the rest of your life.

I choose to protect myself from your hurtful actions and lies. Now YOU choose."

Speak to me, from this day forward, ONLY through a mediator that I choose or through my attorney and I'll decide if it's worth attempting to let you back into THIS marriage or not.

Good luck, I hope you find what IS important to you."


anotherpixie - Contact an attorney to find out the 'Rules' in your State for legal separation and divorce requirements.

Your marriage is already "over," by his actions and inaction, so this IS an "ultimatum" and a "last ditch" attempt to get him to choose to end the affair. But, as with all ultimatums, be prepared for him to choose OTHER than as you hope and be prepared to carry out the consequences of his choices, regardless of what they might be.

YOU obviously love him, but he has no concept of the idea, so it's time to protect yourself from the "old him" and see if a "new him" even CAN emerge.



God bless.

I agree, time for Plan B. If you continue like you are, one day you will lose your love for him. Protect yourself.