Hi everyone,
I have gone through the MB gauntlet although I didn't post much and forgot my login. It's been over 1 yr since the D and about 2+ yrs since the separation/D started. So, I decided that I am ready to start dating again and so far things have gone ok. Until last Saturday...

For a couple of months I've been emailing back & forth with a guy friend that I've known for about 3 years - wouldn't say we're close, but we are friends. The emails took a tone of light banter / flirting to more serious flirting/compliments. Last Saturday a mutual friend was having a BDay party and he asked if I was interested in going together. I said fine, abd we had a great time at the party until 3 am (it's NYC), and then stopped off at his place on the way back so that I could take a bathroom break. When I grabbed my coat to leave, he grabbed me & kissed me....it was amazing and our chemistry took me by surprise. A pleasant surprise because I admire & respect this guy, we have a lot in common, blah, blah, and now I find out we have chemistry too.

So here's the problem - things got a little carried away (not completely, but further than I'm used to on a first date). I guess it was because I've known him for years and we email / talk regularly. I don't know if he knows how unusual that was for me - I think he has a general idea.

Anyway, we took a break in the action, and just talked a little and fell asleep. The next morning I thought it seemed a little ackward, which is probably to be expected, but he was very kind and before I left he walked me to the door and kissed me again (and again, it was amazing and we both made a comment about it).

So, I'm expecting to hear from him in a day or two, but all I've gotten is a short and mildly (?) flirtatious email - I really don't know how to interpret it. He is leaving for a one week vacation tomorrow, so I know that he is busy trying to wrap things up at the office and pack, etc, but still, it seems that if he is interested he would call me or at least send me an email saying that he is crazy w/ his pending vacation and looks forward to talking to me when he returns. But nope - just a "talk to you soon" at the end of his brief email. I guess I feel especially put off because we are (were?) friends. A mutual female friend of ours tells me that just isn't how things are in NYC and w/ people our age and that I shoudl give him more time to call, especially since he's leaving on vacation.

I'm confused. Guys, if you had a female friend that you were attracted to for a while, and things started heating up w/ converations/emails, and then this happened, would it diminish your interest in her because too much happened? What is he likely thinking? Is he no longer thinking about me in a long-term way because things got a little heated too soon, or is that ridiculous when I'm almost 30 and he's 34?

I've been out of the dating scene for 8 years and when I was there, I was much younger and lived in a small Midwestern town. Help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am not a guy but wanted to chip in my one cent opinion.

Just remember your bf is not obligated to you just because you had intimacy with him. Give him time (2 weeks?) and occupy your mind with something else. If he doesnt respond to you to your expectation then move on...take care

I'm a man. I'm curious, was he thinking of you "in a long term way" prior to the intimacy? And if so, how do you know? Was it a topic of your emails, etc.? All men are not alike so I believe it really comes down to what his motives were? Either he played you to get a hot evening, or he's interested in you long term and is taking the car for a test drive. My suggestion is to communicate your feelings to him at an appropriate moment, which is probably not right before he leaves for vacation.

neverthesame

So you've known him for 3 years and been in communication for a few months. You should know a bit about him - so what's he like (away from you)? Is he a player, a nice-guy, is he the type to take advantage...?

If it turns out he's a noble guy; his mind may be racing a bit as yours is. Perhaps he needs the week-long vacation to process all of this. (I'm a "processor" and this would be a common thing for me to do - especially if it all caught him by surprise as well.)

It sounds like taking a little time is good anyway. If things were to heat up quickly; isn't it likely to burn out quickly as well?

I'd give him the week w/o expectation and see what happens. Keep us posted.

FR

Thanks for the insight everyone - I really do appreciate it as I feel like a fish out of water dating in NYC among the late 20s/30 something crowd.

Here's some answers to the questions I read & a follow-up question of my own.

Rocked - well, I can't read his mind, but we would touch on the subject of a dating relationship in our serious talks and jokingly refer to more long-term things. That being said, it could have all just been flirting and I didn't put too much thought into it until the chemistry hit.

Fishracer - I and some of my other girl friends here have always thought he was a gentleman and a good guy. I think that is part of the reason that I was expecting a phone call or a more personal email after Saturday and it's part of why I'm taking his short email so hard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Also, as I look back on the whole build up, I do feel a little like it was more planned on his side and that maybe he was just enjoying a hot evening and I fell victim so easily because I'm not used to these games.

My questions for future reference: (1) does an intimate encounter that goes further than expected the first time make the guy think less of the girl? (2) if a guy was really interested, wouldn't he call within a couple of days after such an encounter? (it seems rude to me, especially when we are friends)

Thanks everyone - I will keep you posted.

p.s. I'm trying not to think about it too much because it will be what it will be, but I'm also trying to learn from this as I navigate new territory. I have another date this Saturday with a nice guy, so that's good.

I don't think that his recent actions after your intimacy is anything unusual. Especially if you had a platonic relationship for such a long time, switching gears within a day as you seem to expect seems a bit unusual.

It sounds that you are ready and roaring to have a romantic relationship with him. Maybe he is ready, maybe he is not. But I would not interpret his behavior as being disinterested in you or a relationship with you.

As another poster said, give it time. A couple of weeks.

neverthesame


If this is your instinct talking to you - it's probably correct. This may have been a valuable learning experience for you w/o much loss.


I am not a good candidate to answer this one so I'm going to defer.


Well - he certainly should! And send chocolates, flowers, a new car, vacation in Hawaii, maid for a year, etc! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> However, I am unsure how this fellow thinks.

Keep in mind that it's hard for any of us to know your entire situation as we weren't there; we can only offer input on what you tell us and what we know, based on our own experiences.

I still say give him the week and see what happens. This will give you more time to think about the relationship as it is now. (Because it's changed!)

You might also consider setting some new personal boundaries. It sounds like you're open to new relationships and it can be a tough world out there in dating-land. Just do your best to take things slowly and keep your eyes open. Good Luck.

FR

You're getting some GREAT advice from these guys!

I'm not a guy either, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, but here's a couple of thoughts. Depending on his dating history (or maybe not?), I think it's true that some guys think that girls expect things to change after intimacy. Do we? hmmmm... sometimes we do. Sometimes we don't, or sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that nothing's changed. I'm still not sure about that one. THings really do change after intimacy, for the guy and the girl, and no matter how emotionally "tough" either gender pretends to be, things are different after the line is crossed. Soooo.... his assumptions about your expectations are probably wrong (are you expecting a "relationship"? no... but maybe he thinks you are). Or, maybe he feels guilt deep inside that he shouldn't have done it without emotional commitment, so, as FR said, he needs time to process everything. He may or may not face his feelings and work through it... and you may or may not get what you're wanting from him ... I mean... you're friendship and communication may not return to its previous state.

After all, you're sortof describing things in 2 different ways: 1 - oops, we got carried away, it shouldn't have happened, it's no big deal, we're just friends. and... 2 - he should have called after an encounter like that! Putting an emphasis on the encounter, like it was a big deal.

So... was it a big deal? or was it an oops? Do you let it go? Or demand that he follow through with some type of emotional strings attached? Your choice.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And yep, you need to set better boundaries.

hugs,
Faith1

Thanks everyone - I will definitely set better boundaries. It wasn't as far as it could have been, but still I'm used to waiting for the 2nd date to kiss.

As far as the "oops vs. relationship" dichotomy in my responses... I think that I wanted/expected a call or more contact from him within a day or two because we are friends not just two people who met at a bar (plus we have some upcoming events to attend in our small group of friends).

So, it's not that he has to want a relationship with me, it's that I thought as my friend he should have the courtesy to communicate and let me know what's going on. I tried to open the lines of communication with an email but I didn't want to call and appear too forward (I tend to be a little traditional). It's possible that he needs time to think and right before his vacation is not the best time.

Am I interested? You know, I was open to seeing what might develop between us because I already liked him as a person, etc, and it's hard to find that plus chemistry all in one. However, if he's not interested that's ok and I think we can still be friends, as long we handle this with respect.

I'll give an update later.

p.s. Still looking for an answer to question #1 ... thanks!

Okay, I'm not a guy either... so I can't answer number 1, but I will say this...

Do you think he may have been a little embarassed? Was there drinking at this party? I mean, maybe he wouldn't have been so bold without some liquid encouragement and then when you woke up he thought, omg, what did I do?
MAYBE he is thinking you might be upset with him for making a pass?
I guess maybe think of where HE might be coming from, rather than making it about you... I don't see where you did anything wrong, myself. Sounds like fun to me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
Most importantly, I'd say, is just be yourself, that's who he likes in the first place. I wouldn't place a bunch of pressure on it. Just go on being you...make sense?
I'll be looking for the update though!

Question #1 - IMO it all depends on whether A) he was after the physical experience, or B) interested in a possible relationship.

If A...he got what he wanted (or a part of it)
If B...he may be wondering if he went too far a ruined a chance at the long-term thing.

Bottom line, give him some time and then try to communicate with him what you are feeling.

wow it's good to know someone else is in the same boat as me. I have a guy friend I have also known for awhile. When times got rough he helped me out and adopted a couple of my feline friends and has given them a great home. Well back in the beginning of november i went over to his place to visit my cuddly feline friends because I miss them so. My friend had suggested we could have dinner. So I agreed. Much to my surprise my friend actually "liked me". I never expected him to wrap me in his arms and kiss me. I was kind of weirded out because I never thought that he well thought of me like that. But none the less I had in the past thought someone like him would be great to try dating but I never really considered it an option. He's a handsome guy and I kind of thought he was out of my league.we had a spectacular evening. I did want to see him after that again...but he kind of freaked out on me sayingit didn't feel right he made a mistake and he's not looking for a serious relationship rightnow. that hurt alot. i decided I did want to remain friends with him because he is a good guy and I still want to see the kitties. well 2 weeks later he calls and we get to talking he apologizes for freaking out and says he does want to see me again. so I visit him that weekend he takes me out to dinner and a movie and things start progressing like a relationship. Then this last weekend. I don't know what happened.I saw hime twice. Thursday night I was going to a concet in his town and stopped by to visit and I got changed at his house because I was on a tight schedule with the time i left work and driving there all in the middle of a huge winter storm. I was greeted with a warm smile and kisses and hugs as we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks because he went home to his parents for thanksgiving for a week. I got dressed he was liberal with the flattering comments. he was feeling very aroused I guess but I had to leave. I promised to come back the next night and we could spend some time together. So the next night I get there and he kisses me hello and we talked about how we missed each other and a makeout session turned into something more. we were supposed to go to the movies that night but he didn't feel like it so we went out to dinner. now I had a long drive there and the night before was catching up to me as I was running on 4 hours sleep from going to the concert with girl friends. after dinner I was so tired but he said he didn't feel like company and needed to be by himself. so I ended up getting a hotel room. then tuesday he called he apologized for his behaviour but says that he doesn't think we can see each other on a relationship level anymore because he doesn't want a serious relationship right now. He had considered we could have one but he doesn't want one right now and apparently he and I can't have one in the future. WTF <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. we can be friends and i can come visit the cats. and I am beautiful and I will find someone else and blah...blah...blah... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />ok WTF is wrong with the men of this world.

Surviving,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Although your situation progressed to dating and mine hasn't (yet?), I understand how you're feeling -- there's an added layer of hurt feelings when a friend is involved and they are giving you mixed signals. I'm trying to learn from my experience (and who knows what will happen next week).

One thing I saw in your story is that he said that he's "not looking for a serious relationship right now." As a woman, I would take that in 1 of 2 ways: (1) he means it literally and he is not emotionally available; or (2) he is not interested in a relationship with you and is using a common line to break things off. Either way, it doesn't sound good and he is right - you will find someone better who is ready for a relationship.

I'm trying to keep moving forward with my life to help me keep any one situation/person in persepctive until the right one comes along. IMO, it's hard to find someone that you both like as a person and have chemistry with, so when that comes along, I tend to want to treat that with some care rather than toss it away.

Take care & keep us posted

yeah the chemistry is really hard to find....we have had such great chemistry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> it's a shame....I think if more guys actually tried instead of trying to logically think what the future would hold things would go better...some guys just think too much.....

update: He contacted me on his way out of town and was very nice. Things seem to be progressing slowly, which I prefer. I'm still bothered on the friendship level that he took so long to contact me given our history as friends and prior patterns of contact, but I wasn't going to bring that up at the time. Wow - I am actually interested in someone and that is scary. Maybe the interest just feels heightened because we are friends and know each other, if that makes sense.

Anyway, thanks for the advice & I'll keep you posted as I navigate single waters again.

p.s. Found out last night some bad stuff about my ex-WH, and I don't know what to think, and not sure I care except it makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. I will post on GQII.

I'd get over his not calling sooner. He was busy. He was reevaluating your relationship. He may even have been anxiously wondering if this was something you regretted.

Why am I feeling like the gum on the bottom of someones shoe...I did purposly try to not emoionally invest too much into the relationship in case it didn't work out. But now i feel like crap. I guess I was more attatched than I thought.We are suppsosed to go to the movies friday maybe I should talk to him?