I tend to think a lot a nights and I kept going over what you asked yesterday and your Wh statement that he did not find you sexually attractive kept coming back to my mind. Unless he has just totally stopped having sex, I'm guessing he really hasn't bought into that statement. I think the statement was a mask for another feeling. Maybe he was feeling some frustration and he was venting thinking somehow you were going to help. I know, it doesn't make sense that you say that to someone and then you would expect them to understand you need some kind of help. But then I don't the person realizes that either. I remember something similar in my sexual addiction that I did with my wife. And looking back I realize that I was frustrated with a lot of things in life and I was looking for a way to deal with my anxiety and I thought sex was the answer. Anyway, that was just a thought I had last night, so I thought I would share it.

Good point. The thing is when he was the alien before he never said I was sexually unattractive , alot of other harsh statements and LB's. It just makes me think that he did have something mroe than an Ea with her. It makes me wonder if he was really sexually attracted to her. That when I approached him for Sf and id not know he had seen her that it made him feel he was cheating on her. Don't know if this is just my over active BS imagination or not. It kinda horrified me. You see he said how old looking and wrinkled she was when he saw her that day. That proves his rose colered glasses had come off or that he is still lying..I don't know I am just unsure of anything. I have not seen what this woman looks like so I don't know anything. I do know someone who knows her just afraid to ask as they are frineds of my WH.

And since he never made that comment before, it's definitely some emotional mask.

His comment about how old looking and wrinkled she was that could be several things. It could be a realization of looks don't always seem to count when your mind is lost in the acting out stage. Or it could be that he it trying to minimize her looks. If he minmizes her looks then he thinks you will be more forgiving about him seeing her, because BS tend to start making comparisons of themselves against the OW. I would lean more toward the latter.

I had told him I I saw her drivers license picture on line and new she was pretty and he had said yes she is. Then I heard she is old and wrinkled looking from years in the sun. I was told she is petite and blonde that is all I know. With small breasts. I am 5'6 1/2", large frame althou small skinny eve and very full in the chest with black hair and a white streak down the front.He says I am more attractive thant her. So honestly I do not know. He says he always was attracted to women built like me. I just think I still feel unattractive. I have been told by many that I look 10 yrs younger and no one believes I am 53. I also at time agree with their age guesses.

Are you feeling his way because of what he said?

Yes - it really staggers me - I felt so rejected during his A and now again when he said that. I just want to let him go so he can find someone who he will be happy with. I do not feel like I am THE one he should be with. You know I feel like I am second best. I really believe my H is at heart a very good man. I want him to be happy. He said she will not leave her H and he said she and he no longer have the same interests. She has dogs, parrots and loves to comap out and he does not like those things. So how would that make you feel. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. But I keep hitting this wall and can't seem to move p[ast it. I take good care of myself yet I want to improve myself. I almost wetn to have my hair stripped and colored blonde. But you know they eyebrows are so black taht would never work. I'd look stupid. I thought better of that. I will never be petite, blonde or young again. So its either me or go get someone else.

I had asked you the question earlier if you felt the way you did because of what he said because I want to encourage about something. Obviously others think you are a nice looking woman. And it's really not about what others think anyway, it's what you think about yourself. I guarantee there is nothing wrong with you. The problem lies with your WH as it usually does with most men who have fallen to these problems. So, my encouragement is know that you are better than what he tells you and believe in yourself. Keep that thought in your mind and don't let it go. You are putting yourself down and you shouldn't do that. Don't let someone else take control of your life.

Ok -just got home from showing a house I was only gone 1 hr. - got on computer to look for other homes and WH was on computer. He had looked at at least 15 porn sites. ugh..He came to me wanting SF. He admisted he was looking at porn but did not have time to erase the hsitory. He had the bakc bedroom dorr shut and id not hear me come in. I surprised him. I think he knew he got caught and that is why he told me. My head is spinning. I need time to think. He is home not feeling well.

He sounds much like someone following a sexual addiction pattern. Since he came to you looking for SF, it doesn't sounds like he finds you too terribly unattractive sexually. See what I mean about his words were a mask for his emotions. And the fact he was seeking out porn, that is another indication he is trying to medicate emotions.

Ask him what is going on emotionally....tell him he needs to open up and tell you what he is feeling and this is just not about you and him. Tell him you are willing to listen. I think before you said that you were good at listening, so encourage him to talk.

ok I will try tonight. Thanks for listening. He keeps saying to me otnight he did not like porn iste and thought I was far more beautiful and sexy than any of those women which I find unbelievable since most of them are so young.

Porn is a mental medication for some men. The looks are not as important sometimes as the thoughts going along with the mental images. For instance my wife has never been concerned with my glances towards another woman even though I am a sex addict. Even if the woman is wearing something somewhat revealing it doesn't concern her too much. The reason is she knows my trigger is anxiety and my addiction has nothing to do with looking at women. My addiction is about medicating my emotions, and the women I chose were those who helped me with my emotions, not those who appealed to my eyes.

it just brought back the your not sexually appealing to me anymore thing. I really feel that is the case.

I am trying to get myself to talk to him about this. Last night he kept saying he finds me attractive. I just do not beilieve him.

So, let me ask the question on my mind. One time he says you are unattractive and thne he says you are attractive. You believed the first, but you don't believe the second that you are attractive. Why?

I would include as a part of my talk how he hurt your feelings by saying you were unattractive. And that he needs to understand the impact of his words. He needs to examine where his feelings are coming from and why these statements are popping to the surface. I don't believe the unattractive statement. I think that one had something to do with some masked feelings.

Ok I will ask/ It is just so disturbing and such a blow to my self worth. That was always the one area we had not problems until OW. I thought this was all done. Maybe I have been fooled again. Why would someone hurt the one they are supposed to love like this. He visited 31 porn sites in an 1 1/2 hrs.

I have been trying to talk to him -he is home with a cold.He is not bad but he is napping now so I will wait. It seems he is avoiding this talk by keeping himself unavailable. Watching tv or snoozing. I will try to get him to open up which has become a probablem with him since his A. It seems since then he has clamed up. Not the old H who used to talk to me about everything. Can an A totally change a persons personality. Or is he afraid for the real truth to come out.

I think your last statement about being afraid of the truth coming out is probably the best guess. I think most WS fear the truth of the affair and do what they can to avoid it. And there can be triggers that come up in conversations. They happen to me and my wife a lot of times watching movies or at church. Something is said that is a reminder of the problems and it causes a memory flashback and the emotions are triggered.

Ok good to k ow - but them again I do not know what can trigger him. What if it is SF or something else? Since he said he never had Sf ever iwth her. But I feel in y gut he is lying.

If you understand about triggers and how a trigger evokes an emotion, then you should sit down and talk with him about it. This is really work that he needs to work on himself. Give him an example like popcorn. Everyone knows what the smell of popcorn is like. It doesn't take but one wiff of that buttery smell and it can evoke a strong memory of going to the movies. So you smell the popcorn and it reminds you of a favorite time as a time when you went to the movies, nothing but pleasant memories. But maybe for someone they left the movie one night and got mugged just after smelling popcorn and their memory is fear. SO when they smell popcorn now they get triggered into this emotional fear.

Or use a dog example, a kid hears a dog bark, gets bitten, and every dog that barks now evokes fear.

Then explain that events around an affair cause the same thing. If you hear someone talking about a bad relationship a person will clam up thinking something will come up about theirs. Watching a movie and there is something about an affair, you become afrair your wife will say something about your affair.

What you want is an open and honest relationship with an understanding that it's ok to talk. Sure there will be times when things might be hurtful and you need to be able to say that hurt. And on the other hand he needs those times to vent.

If the trigger if SF, he needs to talk about it. It could
be something like that. But those usually come more often someone is having a PA.

Try to get him to talk.......hand him a glass of wine or grape juice and say lets talk and be friends about talking. You know good friends talk about anything, be good friends.

Exactly - I suspect my H came to this site the yesterday and read what I had writtne. Yesterday afternoon he began telling me he found extremely sexy ect. It was amazing. I know we need to sit down and talk like best friends. I do it all the time. He needs to do the same and I intend to tell him how much I miss that side of him. If he can just talk about things we will get much closer then we have been.