Quick history...
together 4 years
married 5 months when A started.
A lasted on 2.5 months.
Almost 3 months into recovery

I'm well into recovery but we still talk about it every once in a while. The one thing I really NEED to know is why it happened - why she did this? She keeps telling me that she cant explain why she did it/why it happened. Is it possible she just doesnt want to hurt my feeling with the truth, so she wont tell the REAL reason? Any insight would be helpful.
Thanks

First off the actual affair happened because she chose to get her needs met outside of the marriage. That was all her choice.

I believe there are a couple different scenario's

1. She's Crazy....in which case she truly wouldn't know why

or

2. As a general rule, happy people don't have affairs so mayber her emotional needs were not being met within the marriage. Given y'alls age, I can see why that would be hard for her to identify as well, especially if y'all haven't read about emotional needs, which who does until the damage is done.

So have y'all read 'Surviving the Affair' and 'His Needs/Her Needs'? If not, GET 'ER DONE. Have y'all taken the emotional needs survey's, if not GET 'ER DONE. If it is that her needs aren't being met then that may lead her to stray again.

Gear,

You have not even been married a year and you are faced with all this crap!! Big bummer, dude!!

I suggest you find a good marriage counseler (good meaning pro-marriage). You both go and the therapist can help with and guide the communication along the right paths. If one of you goes off on a tangent, the therapist will bring the dialogue back on track.

I think this is too huge to try to fix by yourselves or by reading books and doing self therapy!

It does NOT bode well that your WW had an AFFAIR 5 MONTHS INTO THE MARRIAGE!!! Some individual counseling for her should happen also. I would hope she would realize this from the git go, looking back at her actions.

Stay strong and always take the high road.

Good luck,

k

gearhead,

Affairs can be a sign of inside or outside issues. Inside issues have nothing to do with the marriage such as childhood sexual abuse, or bipolar disorder to name a few. Outside means that the issues were related to unmet EN [emotional needs].

Also remember that affairs rarely happen overnight. As your signature clearly states, the EA came first. This is typical with women because a WW must first an emotional connection with the OM before she can give herself physically to him. IF you have not been giving attention and appreciation to your W, then it is possible that she was emotionally starved and very susceptible to the advances of the OM. This of course DOES NOT excuse her betrayal but it could explain why she had an affair. My suggestion is that both of you separetely fill out a copy of The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) and The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire). Also I suggest that you check out this link The Love Diet. Get a hold of Dr Willard Harley's books 'His Needs, Her Needs', 'Love Busters' and 'Surving An Affair' and read them together. Good luck.

TMCM

It might be but it also could mean that reliving the memories brings her shame, disgust and self-loathing. A truly remorseful FWW usually has a much harder time than FWH beleiving that she was capable of betrayal. Have you asked her how she feels when you ask her to give you information about her affair?

TMCM

nothanku

Thanks for the links. We had planned on taking the EN questionaire, I just want to make sure she was out of the fog, which im pretty sure she is now.



Most of the time she doesnt even want to talk about it because she says she cant believe it happened and its like she relives it every time we talk about it. I hate to bring it up but when I think about things all day long, I cant help myself to not at least try to get answers. She talks to me about it b/c she is trying to help me thru it. For the most part Im over it, but I feel like she should know why she let it happen. Maybe he is better looking, more mature, older, he has a lot more money, b/c he has kids and we dont yet. I dont know. I just feel like she owes it to me to give me a reason, but doesnt want to hurt my feelings.
Maybe it will help and give me closure. I dont know...

Hi.

I don't think there is a FWS out there that likes to talk about what they did. I'm not surprized that she doesn't like thinking about it. But think she must.

She must address why she did this.

She must make changes in her life so this doesn't happen again. I think she nees counseling. Most newly weds don't have affairs.

I don't know how to help you except to remind you that going down the path thinking about if OM was better looking, better endowed, or whatever is fruitless. The affair wasn't about the OM it was about you wife. I wouldn't waste a second on OM. He isn't worth it.

"The one thing I really NEED to know is why it happened - why she did this?"

gearhead, congratulations on identifying this (many choose to ignore it)! IF the two of you decide to go forward with rebuilding your relationship, it is absolutely essential that the answer to this question be uncovered. Failure to do so is an invitation to further heart-break.

"She keeps telling me that she can't explain why she did it/why it happened."

gearhead, have you ever asked a child who's been caught doing something that had been forbidden, why they went ahead and disobeyed? Same old..."I don't know"! A child may not realize how lame that sounds, but one would hope that an adult would already recognize how idiotic that "excuse" sounds! Your wife may not be able to articulate to you her "rationalization" for her action, but she (and only she) knows "why". Continue to press (gently) for a satisfactory answer to this question. But, be prepared for some truly idiotic excuses (a search through the MB archives reveals everything from "you never put the toilet seat down" to "back in high school, you didn't go to that intramural flag football game". The "psycho-babble" will amaze you. Try to be respectful (ie. don't laugh out loud) while receiving these answers, but DO NOT settle for anything other then the honest truth.

"Is it possible she just doesnt want to hurt my feeling with the truth, so she won't tell the REAL reason?"

GH, if she didn't want to hurt your feeling, she wouldn't 'a done it! There is some truth in the statement though, someone's looking to avoid "hurt". I'll leave it to one to decide who's hurt" is being avoided.

how about this my WW will not even admit she had an affair however her actions behavior towards me are text book. I first suspected when I asked to see a joint cell bill and asked for the password she told me it was private. I did find the password and found 54 calls to OM. I then found an email that was from OM " I miss you also and this could be dangerous to the both of us" WS answer he was worried that we were talking and if i knew and they are just frinds.
Next email to OM from WS do you want to go bra shopping with me his reply yes when. WS answer oh men a funner to shop with. Second OM when we first seperated I observed him going into her apt at 3:40am and leave at 6:00am I get a phone call from WS at 6:15am I cant sleep im worried about DD who was spending the night at my sisters. I asked why can't you really sleep answer if you know somthing just tell me. Me I know nothing. When I confronted her the next evening she told me they only had a beer and watched discovery. Now I think there are others but dont know. I do believe there is OM again and she has withdrawn herself from. I have never been told anything just excuses im crazy insecure etc.. When I told her I was going to tlk to them she said go ahead but then flew off the handle and manipulated me by saying things you will create a hostile work environment and you will look stupid etc...

Question is she has filed for D and I have been in a short plan A, Prior to it I did alot of LB's and she refuses to talk about the incidents above and tells me to get over it.

Is this normal for a women WS?

Is it her guilt and she feels hopeless in this M and sees no light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been literally sick over this.

some advice would help