I need help!! This is long, but someone PLEASE take the time to read it and give me some advice. Married 22 yrs, 2 children, 20 & 18. D-day was 1 mo ago today after I found some email msgs on WH's blackberry. Nothing blatant, but enough to know this was more than a professional relationship. I confronted him, denial at first, but w/in an hr or so, admission ONLY to some tele and email flirting, which he agreed was inappropriate. I sent OW an email telling her not to call or email my husband ever again, she answered w/"ok", but he says she called him the next day and he ended it. What I know about the A: after major spying, I think there was a PA on at least 1 occasion, but he denies and I cannot not be for sure, but I am 90% sure there has been no more contact since the day he ended it. At any rate, I have found proof of his story that they met 6 mos ago at a seminar and nothing happened then. Saw each other again at a seminar 4 months later (when I think the PA happened) and began the phone calls and emails, which was 3 wks before D-day. His "story" is that there is no way he would sleep w/someone on only the 2nd mtg, which sort of makes sense, but he admits it was leading in that direction. Could be true considering I have confirmed the the emails only started 3 wks b4 I found out and she lives 400 miles away. He claims he never planned to leave me or have any future w/her and can't give me any reason as to why he would betray me. I was DEVASTATED!!!!! Dazed and shocked I found this site and I have been reading it and followin Plan A since about 4 days after d-day, with only a couple of setbacks where I lost it and made some LBs. Also, the day after d-day he said he wanted to go to MC - we have beeen 3 times. SO, here is the problem: He seemed upset and said he was sorry for the 1st wk or so and I apologized for my lack of meeting his EN's but now he doesn't seem to have any remose at all & I cannot really tell that he is trying to work on our marriage at all. His actions don't indicate at all that he still loves me, even though he says he does. PHysical contact is often, but only on my initiation. I am at a loss and frankly I am wondering why I am trying so hard, when it seems a lost cause. I don't think he in in withdrawal becase he doesn't really seem sad or ddepressed, but I think it is possible that he only ended it because he got caught and so maybe he is withing it was still ongoing (just a guess). What do I do? I want his marriage, but I want to be wanted and Loved and if he is not capable of that, I don't see the point. I know we havev only been in Plan A a few weeks but I had hoped to see progress by now. Maybe I am in a fantasy land, but I just want him to be happy to see me at the end of the day and be glad that I am his wife and he just doesn't seem to be at all.

Plan A takes quite a bit longer than a few weeks to really see results.

I am concerned that your husband may be trying to sweep all of this under the rug, and pretend like nothing happened.

How is you counseling going?

sad in texas - Welcome to another member of the texas contingent. I'm sorry you are here under these circumstances, but you'll get great support and help here.

Your husband is exhibiting classic withdrawal symptoms. The sadness and depression you are looking for come AFTER withdrawal ends and the gravity of what he did begins to hit him. Right now he really can't "Feel" a lot because he's lost in what he thinks he's "given up." So he's emotionally "frozen" to help him to endure the "loss" of the relationship. It will end. Withdrawal typically lasts around 2 to 4 weeks, sometimes longer. But in his case it doesn't sound as though he had that great of an "emotional investment" in the affair, so withdrawal should end sooner.

Stay in Plan A, but recognize that little that you do or say will "Register" or have a big impact at this point. AFTER withdrawal ends is when you'll begin to be able to make deposits in his "Love Bank" again.

Believer had it right, you are in a marathon, not a sprint. The "average" recovery takes 2 years, so buckle up and strap in for the long haul. It WILL get better. It may not seem like it right now, but it will.



No, you are not in fantasy land, you are in hurt and bleeding land as a refugee from the nuclear blast of Adultery. Of course you'd like to "throw a switch" and have everything better, but it won't work that way. It's going to take time and work. It's going to be a rollercoaster of ups and downs, of "two steps forward and one step backward." When the days hit, and they will, when you feel like "throwing in the towel," hang on tightly and just endure the moment. In a short time the crisis will pass and you can pick up the recovery again.

It has taken me 3 years to get to the "happy" part you long for, but ours was a much more involved (6 year long) affair.

So hang in there, it WILL get better. The joint marriage counseling is a HUGE plus for your recovery!

God bless.

sadintexas, welcome fellow Texan! Sorry you are here. Your H is in withdrawal, but there is more going on here. He was probably somewhat detached from you in the marriage before this happened. In order to recover, you need to find out what happened in the marriage that caused this to happen. I would get the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. This should help you understand the concept of emotional needs and how they are the foundation of a loving marriage.

There are also emotional needs questionaires on this website that will be very helpful. I would print those up and you complete one while your H completes one. This will give you a good idea of what you need to do to draw him back into the marriage.

Thank you guys SO much. I guess I want a quick fix and need to realize that is impossible. Believer, I agree he is maybe trying to sweep this under the rug - doesn't like to talk about it, etc. Both of us agree that counseling is going well. I will do the EN questionaire and see if I can get him to do it as well.