I posted this elsewhere in another thread in response to someone I chat with there. But I wanted to know if anyone wanted to comment or offer support on my rant....
I am loosing my hope....

When I posted last I was wanting to share something fabulous that H had done for me. He made me feel so special, bought me a bouquet of a favorite flower of mine to remind us of a conversation we had and an agreement we came to about a task we need to do. He also bought me a 3 pack of delicious chap sticks with a case and clip to hang on my ID tag so I would not lose it. I was so touched by his thoughtfulness and his excitement in giving me these tokens of affection.

Sadley a good thing doesn't last long for us. He is behaiving totally cold, dark, crabby.... picking fights, broke the door on the computer desk this morning when he slammed it shut because I forgot to shut down the computter. Broke the faucet in the kitchen sink last week cause there were 3 bowls and 2 glasses sitting over night to soak....yet later that day he left all the dishes from lunch and breakfast...as he ALWAYS does!
I am not good at reverse babble, I tried but I get too confused knowing what to say when he starts twisting things around on me.
My son is coming home on Wednesday morning and there a million things to get done to make a room for him, move the 2 girls into a room together (which they don't want to do and H is backing them up on that) I have all the household chores as always (got into a fight about that today about his lack of responsibility, I stayed calm and spoke softly and did not speak anything but the facts, but he twisted it around to say I am finger pointing, he is the one who AGREED to do certain chores but STILL neglects to do them, he says I HAVE TO REMIND HIM!)
Plus I am STILL juggling the delinquent bills, taking care of our childrens needs, One kid has been sick with a cold for the past 5 days home from school and daughter is still on the mend from her appendix, homework, conferences and I have yet to decorate for Christmas ( my favorite time of year, he hates it).
He sleeps, plays video games, eats and goes to work.

I am tired of PLAN A!!!!! I am loosing my desire and my taker has had ENOUGH! I am tired of trying not to LB!!! I wanna LB him right over his pointy lil head!!!! I am tired of the same old issues and trying to change things for the better but not seeing him do anything towards making an effort to change his ways or improve our marriage!!!! I am tired of the lack of communication between us, the way he tries to jusify his actions or lack of action, and the way he twists and scews the truth. I am tired of letting my guard down, letting myself become vulnerable and every other week have my heart break a little more.

I have tried to justify his actions by acknowledging that he has been working everyday for the last 2 weeks straight and will be for the next 2 weeks as well. I can verify this by the size of his pay checks and the hours logged on them.
But I work 2 jobs AND run my household!!!! I am tired too! I am giving him all the love and attention in everyway I possibly can! I go out of my way to make a few minutes here and there for just him only to have him blow me off while he busys himself eating lunch before he has to leave for work. I have asked him countless times to PLEASE be ready for work before I get home so we can spend the 45 minutes before he leaves together. He has only tried to do it a few times at best.

Tomorrow is his company Christmas party. It will be the only time we have had in the last month or 2 to get out and do anything together with out the family. Since it is a free thing to do we are going to go.... we can't afford a night out to do anything else.

I don't know what I am doing or going to do.... I keep asking myself "how much am I willing to put up with?"
"What do I want in life and does it mean compromising my feelings and emotional well being just to hang on to the few meager crumbs he thows me?"

I told myself I was giving him 6 months to see if he made any visible efforts on his part to change his part in our marriage. Since D-day it has been 3 1/2 months. Everytime I THINK I see an improvment a few days later a huge red flag starts to rise or I start to "smell something fishy".

How do I do this????? What do I do with this????

I told myself I was giving him 6 months to see if he made any visible efforts on his part to change his part in our marriage. Since D-day it has been 3 1/2 months. Everytime I THINK I see an improvment a few days later a huge red flag starts to rise or I start to "smell something fishy".

How do I do this????? What do I do with this????

Hello Harmonie;

All I can say is stick to YOUR plan. Try not to be swayed by his frustration, anger and manipulation. You said you'd wait 6 months to evaluate your position so stop evaluating it earlier. Stick to your plan and better yourself. He continues to LB and I am especially concerned about the Angry Outbursts. Is he willing to read the Love Buster material or do the workbooks? Are you able to discuss your feelings at let him know he is messing up without making him feel like you are holding the betrayal over his head? Practice your discussions in the mirror to see if you can request his attention without making a selfish demand.

If tomorrow night is the only night you get to go out try to get a truce going and have a good time. You both probably need a night of fun.

I wish this stuff was easier.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

I did ask him to read the books with me. I printed out the EN questionaire, the rec needs, and the personal info. we did the rec and the En but it got us no where. He chose all middle of the road responses to the EN form. He has read mine and has made no further mention of it or any attempt to act on mine. This was 2 months ago.
He made a decision at that time that he does not care what any any book has to say or and therapist.. says we know our selves well enough and what our problems are that we can do what we have to to fix things and doesn't need anyone telling us what to do. He told me that if I wanted to read the books and such and share with him what I am learning that would be fine with him, he'd rather listen to me.
But about 2 weeks ago he angrily told me to stop leaving things laying out I had printed out from MB site. That he doesn't care what this person has to say or what that person experienced. That it has nothing to do with him.
I tried to explain that I was only trying to share some things that I thought were helpful and similar to our sitch, but if this bothered him I'd stop.
I try so hard to tell him how I feel, to be open and honest and aviod throwing his mistakes in his face. Over the years I have learned to be very diplomatic about what and how I say things to him. Especially if it is ANY form of critisim. He has always been quick to get defensive and then turn things around to find fault or blame in the other person.
I make it a point to give him time to try to make a change before I say anything about him not doing something he has said he'd do. |But like the "mom" that I am, I usually end up taking care of whatever it is so that it gets done.
As for his Angery Outbursts.... This scares me... hehas done this for so long. When he was drinking (way more than I was aware of till he recently told me) he would haveterrible outbursts, sometimes physical with me. He stil holds anger and resentment towards me for calling the police on him a couple of times and his having to go to jail once. He has gone through treatment twice for drinking (court ordered) and anger management 3 times. This is why he says he will not do anything with me regarding the books or worksheets or thereapists.
I do practice what I want to sayto him beforeIopen my mouth... sometimes for a day or 2 !!! LOL!!! I journal to keep accurate account of events, to sort my thoughts and if I find myself to be wrong in what I am thinking or seeing I am able to write this down and correct myself, learn from what I have done. (or haven't)
I am trying to better myself in as many ways as I can, Though I am affraid if I allow myself to "go to far" it could be percieved that I am neglecting H. That is what happened this summer when I started to do things for myself, focused on my job, the kids, and gardening. I was so busy taking care of those things that made me happy and felt I was becoming a better person, I chose to choose my battles and chose NOT to battle with H about the same old things, He chose to avoid ME and trying to make things better between us by having an "A".
I believe that when I try to ask him anything I want or need, like to talk about things, I am always mindful to ask in a respectful way. I avoid selfish demands and try to ask how HE would feel if, or if HE would like.... this or that.
So I think I am trying to do the right things.
A crazy thought just came to me... what if he is just trying to "wear me down" till I can't take anymore selfishness and outbursts... thus opening the door for him to say "Hasta la vista Bebe"...LOL???
Well, paitience is NOT my strong point..LOL... but I said I'd give him 6 months. Hmmm, how ironic, I just realised that falls on the 13 year anniversary of the day we met.
Funny too, a Stevie Wonder song comes to mind now...

GoodNight,

So, last night when he came home from work, he wakes me up and kisses me and wants to talk about his night at work. Says he is glad he has tonight off from work but hates the idea of going to the Christmas party and spending his time off with people he works with. However, says we will go , eat, see if we win a door prize, then go. Said last year they gave away an X-Box, $100.00 GC to Menards. Sounds like nice prizes!
This was all at 3:00 am. I did my best to stay alert and listen to him talk for like 20 minutes. Then he said he was going to go eat , kissed me goodnight and told me "I love You" & "sweet Dreams".
No appologies. AS usual, his outburst will be brushed under the rug and he will be nice , till the next time.
One thing he had said to me yesterday during his outburst (that I forgot to mention) Was that he said that I always ask him to open up and tell me what is on his mind, but when he does (like yesterday) this is how he does it (an outburst) and then I get upset and cry , this is why he dosen't share what is on his mind with me and keeps things to himself.
I responded that "no, that is not true, I have seen you open up and talk with out having to yell and loose control" he says "well here I am trying to communicate but it is the wrong way according to you" I say "no thats not what I said"
Him "well this is how I talk and you don't like it so I will keep my mouth shut" ... Then he said something else about the way he "communicates" to which I let out an LB... that was "I know you can express you feelings with out having to act like this, You were able to do it pretty well with someone else!"
To which he said "that was not called for" I said "no it wasn't but that thought just occured to me"
Then he grabbed his coat and left for work.

How do I stay on Plan A, choose my battles carefully with out LB's?
I want to desperately make progress and not have our marriage be the way it was before the A. I was fed up with how things were before the A but always held out HOPE for things to get better. Now that I have a better understanding of MB tools I know I can do the right things, but I don't know how to get HIM there to this place of using the right tools. When he is receptive to hearing things (not often) I feel like we will make it.

Any one have any suggestions how I can try to talk to H about the MB tools and make it more appealing to him to want to learn them???
How do I open up the conversation about it?
I even read 1/2 of the book "I Cherish You" to him on a long drive once. I gave him the book as it looked like an "easy" read. He has dyslexia and trouble with comprehension so I thought this book was more to the point about HN/HN for him to grasp the concepts. He has not even looked at it since I read some of it to him.

Do I tell him that I really need for him to read this stuff and make an effort to try to learn this stuff or I see no other way we are going to recover and restore our marriage to a better place?
How do I ask for this with out it being a selfish demand?

I don't have any sage advice, but my H sounds similar to yours, minus an A, as far as I know. We have been together for 10 years, and the last few years have been getting rockier and rockier. That's why I'm here. I want to learn how to be a better person and how to better communicate my needs so there is a better chance of them being met. I, too, am getting tired and frustrated with being the only one that seems to want the M to improve. My H's changes always seem temporary and more "bandaid"-like rather than true change.

What were the results of his EN. What was his #1?

Hi NTT,
He never listed them in any order. In fact he never finished the whole questionaire. He left the last 2 or 3 un answered. But what he did respond to was all the same answer, average need for everything.
What am I supposed to do with that?
He made comments that since D-day, he has no problem at all with the way I am meeting any of his needs.
Also says I have correctly been able to figure out what it was that I had not done to meet his needs before the affair and that he has no complaints now about what I am doing.
He has noticed significant changes in me and as he puts it "It's all good".
I wish I could say the same for him!

So, we went to the Christmas party last night. I am pleased to report that all went well! There was NO confrontation w OW or communication at all. I did notice a few glances by H or OW, and believe me I was watching like a hawke... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
I was very pleased with myself on my appearance, My hair turned out great, make upwas fine. Only issue I had was with what I "had" to wear! Due to the weight loss I can no longer wear any of my good dresses, skirts, dress slacks! It was pretty casual attire anyway though so I found a a pair of pin stripe hip hugger slacks and cute sweater to wear. The OW on the other hand .... pleased to say does not dress up well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.. I know I sound awful, but gosh it just made me FEEL SO GOOD!!!! Petty stuff but it worked for me!
We had a very nice dinner and H took me around introducing me to pretty much all the main people he knows there. Later when we were home, he told me he was very proud to have me there with him and how beautiful I looked and for the people he works with to see me and meet me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
There was a thing they did to spotlight all the new employees hired this year, H one of them. He had to stand upat our table and he was "introduced" to the whole room. I was also asked to stand up and was introduced. They read a small bio about my H and our family. That also felt pretty good to have the whole company now know who I am and have our family "out there" to everyone. OW did not even look our way. She was sitting at the next table over from us.
After we left we went driving around window shopping for a while and then came home and had a wonderfully intimate night together.
All the stress and trouble of the past week was gone for the night. I sure wish things could feel this way all the time. No troubles when it comes to our S-life... and I know THAT would even be better if we could get passed the daily communication issues.
But as always, I have hope. I am hoping this way that I feel now wont fade to soon.

Maybe now is the time to tell him how much you have missed this wonderful man. That you really enjoy your time with him when things go this way. Say baby wouldn't it be great if everyday was like we were last night..Maybe that would make him see. Just a thought

Hi Realtor,
Yes, I certainly did tell him that. I have whenever we get to have any quality time together. He has agreed and wrote to me in our journal about it, too. But for whatever reason, he ends up losing the "warm fuzzies" by the next day. Then I am left confused and scrambling to figure out how I can keep things going. Walking on eggshells so I don't give him reason to LB, etc.
Like right now, I am on the computter, doing what I do every morning to wake up while I have my coffee. Typing and reading helps me wake up! He wakes up, has 1 cup and he is off and running. I take a bit longer.... He knows this is how I wake up yet this irks him to no end!
So, with that being said, I better get off the computter and get hopping, before he starts slamming things around and stomping and pouting! Seriously!

Have a fabulous day Everybody!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />