My Plan B is holding firm, so far. It's tough but I'm making it work. Sometimes, I've felt like I'm being undermined.

I've been getting these little emails from WH about various things. There's the one about the kids' Christmas party at his work that DD could attend. I didn't answer it. Next, He emails that he has an appointment with Steve H. I did answer that one. Just asked him to let me know when WH has set up our joint appointment. Yesterday, WH emailed that he'd had to miss his appointment with SH but was rescheduling. He also said he'd (finally) ordered a new computer for DS and wanted to pick it up to set it up for DS. I didn't answer that email. Today, he emailed about basketball tickets for DD and I to a game tonight. I didn't answer.

Steve said to protect myself. All these tempting little carrots are being dangled but I'm being strong.

Now MIL has concocted a Christmas Plan. Suddenly, after having Christmas dinner at our house (with me cooking) for the last 15 years, she says that they would feel "uncomfortable" being at our house without their son here. WTF? Instead, she'd like us to come to THEIR house and oh yes, they'll invite my mom.

I politely explained that I care for them a great deal but being around their son causes me a great deal of pain. What makes them think that seeing him at their house would make it any more acceptable? I think that they'd rather sacrifice Christmas with their grandchildren than not be around their son. So weird. Denial at it's most disfunctional. I often wonder if my inlaws have ever talked to their priest about this.

Anyway, I think I'm doing okay. I'm not answering any emails unless they are about counseling. Since counseling, especially joint counseling was a condition set in my PBL, I only address that issue. I'm planning Christmas dinner at my house with whomever of my children that wish to be there (if they want to be with their dad, so be it), my mom and my brother's family. That's enough of a houseful.

I'm praying daily for strength and guidance.

Wow, grape...we must have related in-laws...my MIL would rather be with her son than her grandkids anyday. Something fundamentally wrong with folks like that--I've already told my kids that once I've got grandchildren they can just step aside! It's that whole "leave and cleave" thing--God knew what He was doing when He planned marriage, it did NOT include the in-laws being an integral part of their grown children's lives!

Hang tight to PlanB, even thru Christmas. You'll make it. And don't fall for dangling carrots...you can (and should) have SO much more--like devotion, commitment...

grape..

are you saying that your motherinlaw and Husband have the audacity to go around you and INVITE your kids to dinner...

and or that your husband would invite them ...

even though for the last fifteen years it has been at your house.....

I hope she and he aren't saying a word to your children...

or are/have they...

how RUDE

Hang in there, the holidays will be tough.

I've seen quite a few WS's "miss" an appointment with SH. I wonder why that happens so much?

Apparently, according to WH's brother's wife, a most sympathic person, MIL hasn't even talked to her son about it yet. I think MIL may feel like it's one way she can keep everything under her control. WH has generally sat there like a lump at Christmas most of the time anyway. His major contribution (besides the welcome $) is making gravy and taking pictures.

This is not the first time MIL has decided that her son is more important than her grandchildren. SIL says that she has the feeling that until WH can look his parents in the eye and tell them that he is a cheating husband, that they won't really believe him. Does that mean that they think I'm a liar? I asked SIL do my Inlaws want to see the love notes and condoms?

I'm protecting myself there too.

WS's - mine agreed to see our MC alone, while I was out of town, at the end of one joint counseling session. The following week as we prepared to leave the counselor, I reminded H that he was to see "Tom" (the counselor) on his own the following week. He vehemently denied that he had said he would.

It is typical of a WS to "forget". They will say anything in the moment to get something they want, or quiet the BS and keep the peace. When time comes to follow through, they do not want to risk getting de-fogged. They "forget."

Plan B will keep you sane.

I found that FAMILY MEMBERS and SUPPOSED FRIENDS really evidenced their AUTHENTIC SELVES during this whole mess..

For me this process has been bitterness...PAINFUL YET REVEALING....

A lot of relationships other than our marriage have SIGNIFICANTLY CHANGED for the better and/or for the worse...

I certainly have learned the TRUE MEANING of FRIENDSHIP and FAMILY LOYALTY....

>A lot of relationships other than our marriage have SIGNIFICANTLY CHANGED for the better and/or for the worse...

>I certainly have learned the TRUE MEANING of FRIENDSHIP and FAMILY LOYALTY....

Here, here! I second that!

I used to be No. 1 SonIL, now I haven't even gotten a call! Neither have my kids recieved a call from WW's mother.

It reeks! I did so much work over the years for all of W's family members too. I was the one who put together anything or fixed just about anything. Yet now, when they all believe that sis is wrong with her current A, they can't muster enough guts to go to bat for me!

Then to top it off, certain fam members confided in WW of our private conversations. I had asked SIL to keep our conversations private. She is W of WW's brother, but she went and approached WW and asked her if all this stuff I had told her was true! We spent 3 hours on the phone one night talking about WW's A and how "I" caused it to boot! Talk about fog and this wasn't even fog with WW! I straightened her out though cause she likes James Dobson and read her a few lines from his book "Love Must be Tough". She now sees my "point", but then goes and blabs our conversation to my WW.

Anyway, after 5 months, I have recieved exactly 2 calls from WW's family. She is one of six and all are married, yet I've gotten 2 calls.

Not to mention that WW now claims she is sooooooo homesick, yet none of her family wants to come and visit. Dear old mom just sits back at home waiting for her long lost daughter to come home. My kids have not gotten any calls either, so I guess blood is thicker than water!

But it does reveal just where the loyalties lie, or should I say lay?

p47d

At this point, I just think that blood is thicker than turpentine. I've been exploring the possibility that perhaps how your family thinks is influenced by more than the relations your relations have.

My BIL and his wife are very sympathic because both of their lives have been badly affected by infidelity. BIL's 1st wife cheated within the first year of marriage. SIL's father had an A for 12 years before dumping his wife to marry his OW. (And I sure wish somebody had told me that little detail before I went to the wedding...) I think that because both of them have been so hurt, they take a very moral, supportive view.

I think that my Inlaws had a very troubled marriage in the beginning. Marrying young and having 2 kids very close together could not have helped. I get little snippets of information. Things like MIL would leave the house for a week or 2 when her first 2 were small and FIL had to deal with it. She "dumped" her kids on her parents for weeks every summer. Was she a WW or an unhappy one or just a confused young woman? Personally, I think that FIL decided to do whatever it would take to make the marriage work and has the habit of doing whatever she wants. Does this give
MIL empathy with her cheating son? Does she think I should do whatever it takes to keep my marriage together, just like her husband did?

WH has always been the favored child in his family. He has never, ever done any wrong in his mother's eyes. His parents are embarrased and in denial about the whole thing. They just don't want to think about the secret life their son has had. Perhaps it's a generation and midwesterner thing to not want to be involved.

Then again, maybe MIL thinks her son is lucky after all of this time to escape my clutches. Grandkids be [email]d@mned.[/email]

Yikes...MIL is allowing your WH to bounce!

Yes, there is also something to your suppositions grapegirl! My xmil is a Bs. We found out during the time of my xh's affairs (when I was a MB fighter) that my FIL was having an active affair with a client...for like 3 years when it was discovered? FIL tried to commit suicide as an attempt to gain sympathy (loves himself too much to ever really do it)...and we also found out it was say the fifth time fil cheated on mil? And I wonder why darth turned out as he did? No wonder the xil's are chronic enablers! They are thermselves affair mongers!

Old saying goes "it takes one to know one".

and yes, I maybe get either a two line email at holiday time from xil's or maybe a lame phone call once a year. Or they show up at xh's house on say a drop off date near mothers' day to say "hey, btw peach, happy mother's day!"...like it matters to me anymore. I feel much healthier with them GONE!

Moment of truth came at my ds's birthday party. The xils were there. They looked soooo unhappy and had gained even more weight. Looked literally miserable. That was during darth's separation no. 1 from FV. And the xil's knew about it. That was day when xfil said to FV "oh my god...this is exactly what happened to Peach. Same thing and we did not see it until now." But they still emotionally abandoned me and ds anyway it seems.

And it's fine. Realize what you do now and you are a whole lot wiser and will be driven less by their drama.

Until your WS commits to being a H, there is nothing to talk about.

Obviously, your plan B is beginning to affect the dopey man. I hope so. Maybe enough to wake up the remainder of the H left in him before it is too late. Am praying.

Heck, I would love that Christmas miracle to happen around here. I personally keep wishing for a visit from Clarence the Christmas angel...and wish Clarence to drop an anvil on the head of my xh. But alas, maybe I have a different one with a more subtle approach..lol!

My in-laws are really struggling with their son's actions. His mum has cried to me on the phone that she feels like she's suffering a bereavement. She is a darling lady who is an outstanding granny. She is struggling with such a conflict of emotions. She loves her son but knows he's done wrong. He's chronically ill so she won't abandon him and I don't expect her to. Her pain is very obvious and upsetting to me. I hope we can always maintain such a close relationship but time will tell.

GG - I can go for 2 weeks with no contact between WH and myself or the kids. It's almost like he doesn't exist and then BAM. He calls or emails and my mood alters totally. Mine is not quite Plan B, but I totally understand the peace that Plan B can bring. Best wishes GG for Christmas. It's usually my favourite time of year and this time I really don't know what to expect. TT

My Plan B is holding firm, so far. It's tough but I'm making it work. Sometimes, I've felt like I'm being undermined.

I've been getting these little emails from WH about various things.
Not real firm though.
You need to stop reading this stuff from him. Communication is a two way street. Sending and reciving. So far, this is all still going on. You are just not sending a message back (most of the time).

So, tonight was an interesting night. Tonight was Parent Appreciation Night at DS's meet for his university team. I'm proud as can be that he's on the varsity team as a freshman. I'd told him weeks ago that DD and I would be there tonight.

Traffic was much lighter than I expected and I got to the meet quite early. DD decided to spend the night with a friend, so I was alone. I watched the warmups and got to chat with DS for a few moments. About 10 minutes before everything started, DS bounds over to the bleachers and tells me in a hurried, worried tone, "Dad said he's coming tonight. I just want to warn you."

Thank you very much DS.

Soon, they ask the attending parents to gather to prepare for an introduction with our sons. That's about the time WH meandered in. We're given our instructions. They'll announced the kid, then the parents and we walk out. Moms get a flower. Dads get...well, nothing except the tuition bill.

In due time, DS's name is announced and he walks out onto the floor. And then they announced me as his parent and that's it. WH trails me out onto the floor without any acknowledgement. I sure hope that that felt good.

WH sat next to me on the bleachers for the meet. He took pictures and cheered. It's pretty obvious that for all the years that DS has done this sport, his father knows little about it. I didn't even look at WH.

After WH congratulated DS, I told WH that I had something for him in my car. We walked out in silence. When we got to my car, by golly, it wasn't my ratty old minivan. It was my sleek and gleaming new mini SUV. Surprise! I don't think, he thought I'd really buy a new car. What I had in my car was all title paperwork on van that needed to be signed off. I've been agonizing on how to get that done without breaking Plan B.

After a few questions, WH signed the title and transfer forms. I said "Thank you", turned and locked my car. I could see that WH was prepared for a good bye kiss/peck. Well, he certainly didn't get it.

I said "goodbye", turned the other direction and walked back to the gym. Not a backward glance.

I met up with DS in the gyms, talked to one of the coaches and got some stuff from his dorm room. I asked DS to join me for dinner. We went to a pizza place, ran into the head coach, had dinner and a good talk.

A productive evening. I don't think I really broke Plan B but I think it went well. Boy, has WH gone GRAY!

I don't think I really broke Plan B but I think it went well.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

hmmmmmmmmmmm

I wonder what Grapegirls life would look like if she really ever ever did a plan B without finding a reason why she can't...

you could have mailed the stuff with a note....

period....

ARK^^

I felt that mailing was not an option. This was important paperwork. I can't get any of my licensing or title forms without this being signed and sent in. Do I have any reason to trust WH to do this? In the past year, he has proven to be untrustworthy, a liar or a flake. I cannot have it disappearing into any blackhole. The stuff was not leaving my hands. My intermediary? She's in the process of moving. She is a great person and a staunch advocate. However, SH suggested that perhaps I find someone who is more neutral. Poor excuse? Probably but I have a lot on my plate. Don't we all just try to do the best we can do?

I did not ask for WH to come to this event. My interactions with WH were barely civil. I was clearly there as my own person but did nothing to embarrass my son. I got the vital forms signed. WH was clearly shown the reality that he is really not a part of the family.

Grapegirls life is looking much better even with this Plan B. I am very dark. I am moving on.

The bummer about ANY contact during Plan B: in order to make the contact minimal--BS ends up being silent, withdrawn, resistant...an interaction that more likely withdraws LUs and sends a message of rejection.

Dark is good not only because it allows BS to heal--but to assures NO LBing! When you are dark you are mysterious, but if you keep resurfacing to have non-LU deposit contact then the mystery risks being filled with "she is avoiding me because she hates me".....

Grape,

You know you are one of "my girls", don't cha?

I hate to tell you this BUT this makes absolutely NO SENSE!

How can you say this?

Of course, you broke PLAN B...BIG TIME BREAK.....

The way I see it, you have enabled the A some more.. He now will tell himself that he has fulfilled a parenting duty..DOMESTIC SUPPORT NEED MET FOR HIM...DING....He is able to tell himself that you do not need him..he is not valuable or special to you...LB....Many problems here....

GRAPE, try to understand this so that you can REALLY REMAIN DARK...

I know you feel that you are doing your best so I hate to "kick" you but I am....OH MY.....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Okay, okay, I will call this a breach of Plan B. Kick away. I'm learning as I go. I hope to NEVER be in this situation again.

I did not choose to have WH come to this activity. It was between him and DS. I'm sure WH felt really wonderful traipsing across the gym unannounced as DS's father.

I see what you mean about him feeling like he isn't needed. It's a question I ask myself. Was he valuable or needed? If the answer is "not especially", where does that leave me? He was like a "gray ghost", flitting in and out without leaving footprints. I spoke with DS like WH wasn't even there.

I don't regret getting the paperwork done. It's been burdening my mind. I feel very good that it is taken care of.

SH told me to protect myself. He said to stay dark, something I've done fairly well. He said WH has to choose to do what is right. He has to see the value of being with me. For WH to initate this contact with DS was good. He needs to have some kind of relationship with his kids. WH saw me as a strong, attractive woman. A person who was comfortable with the other people. A person with a great relationship with our son. I see him as a person standing outside the house during a cold blizzard, looking through the window at the snug, cosy, loving family inside. That person can choose to knock on the door and be asked in or he can walk down the street to a bar for a drink and some artifical company.

Wanta know the other funny thing? WH didn't even ask where DD was.

Okay, I'm probably delusional. I'm also into week 2 of my bad cold.

Yes...but he got a bite of cake girlfriend.

He got to walk out and be recongized as a parent..he has not been a good one...hardly one at all.

He got to sit beside you. He got to "pretend".

Has his sitch changed? Has he committed to NC and much counseling or couples help? What is different about the man's actions?

Or are his actions fueled by a surface need?

to "appear" as a good dad and H?

You met his Need and he signed the paper.

He needs to be feeling like a total outsider. Not a man who can walk in and enjoy the fruits of doing nothing.

You can still appear attractive, fun, successful, all the good things without dealing with him.

I had to see my xh at events. He would go there...darmned and determined. I knew I could NOT not have him there...except for time when there was the r.o. the county placed against him. And he tried to break that. I would stand far away. Not engage on any level.

Your H is not chasing...he is testing. Understand the difference between the 2. He is slowly trying to get to the "good divorce" phase. All WS who continue to be WS have that as a goal. He's trying..but not what you probably think he is.

I love ya. I want him to change. But it is up to the WS to either wake up and smell the cappucino or not. WE cannot make them do that. They have to want to do it themselves and our actions are the only hopes...only hope for motivation for them to change.