Hi everyone!
I found this site looking for answers to how im feeling. I have been in a long distance relationship with this man for 1 year this month. We haven’t met due to money issues but have seen each other through pics, etc. I really don’t know where to start. We started just like everyone does. We talked on the phone for 8+ hours and fell in love fast. I know people don’t think you can love someone you haven’t met but trust me you can and its strong. I don’t think I would communicate as much if i were with someone for 5 years as much as we did on the phone. We knew each other as much i guess as you could without the physical. We are so much alike its scary. We had our ups and downs and I had finally purchased a ticket to go see him in January coming up. He kept telling me, just hold on. We are almost there.. we have worked way to hard to mess this up now. He would talk about having kids, marriage, naming our kids, the house we wanted, work..had our whole lives planned out. Was kinda scary but im a girl and i loved it. 1 week ago i felt something in the pit of my stomach and knew something wasn’t right. We had had a bad fight 3 weeks ago and almost ended it. I could tell he was stressed and the time was taking a toll on both of us. He would pull away and i would become that needy girl..yuk!! So we haven’t ever missed one day of talking in the year we have been together and all of a sudden he was gone for 4. No one would answer the phone and being 1200 miles away i was helpless. I knew what happened. I knew he had met someone from the feeling i was getting from the pit of my stomach. Last night he called me and said I’m sorry. I kept my composure for as long as i could. I told him I know you are. He said.. we took too long. What a bunch of crap. I have a ticket. He knew this. He said somewhere along the way something happened and we lost it. But 3 days before, he was devoting his love to me. He said he met her at work and he had been trying to fight it for 2 months. Finally he just caved. I cried and told him he was making a huge mistake..ug.. And I asked him if he was happy. He said he was sooo unhappy he had made himself sick. He said.. if you can get out here now( like it was a desperate thing) that we could fix it if he could just hold me or something. Totally impossible for me to do. I can’t compete with the new fling feeling and I shouldn’t have to. He kept saying..i dont know what i want. I said..where is your heart, and he said..its with you of course.
So today was a whole new story. He said he would call today but I woke up in the strangest mood. I prayed all night for peace and wisdom. Every time something happens that is my prayer. Over and over. I was so sad in the morning but around noon, something hit me like a spark. I was happy and getting happier by the second. It was a wave and I had no idea where it came from. I called him and told him, im proud you are trying to figure out your life. It hurts but at least you are trying to fix that turmoil inside yourself. I hope she will take great care of you. All I want is for you to be happy. I don’t know what came over me. And his attitude changed. He was like..im not happy.. I might want you. I kept my tone and was very calm. Said I had to go.. he wouldn’t let me right away then let me cause he was sick as a dog. Said he would call me back. It felt so good to do that the day after. I mean I was so depressed yesterday I thought my pours were going to explode with tears. I was in such shock that I couldn’t cry. I would just stare. Then today that happens. I stood up and spun around like I was a little girl in a flower field yelling I CANT BELIEVE ITS NOT BUTTER hahaha or something..hehe and it dawned on me.. This is the best thing that could have happened to me. I realized that, I love him unconditionally. I never knew I had it in me. I would really actually want him to be happy and I could let him go. It meant so much to me to come to that. My eyes were open wider then they have been in years. I could see myself rising up and becoming a better person. It was wonderful. Biggest wave I have felt in a long time.
Then he called right before he went to work and said he was sleeping all day due to him being sick. I started off really good. Told him that I wouldn’t have changed this for anything and its the best thing that could have happened. He wasn’t much on talking. Just kinda agreed. could tell he felt like crap. which he should..lol but then it happened. After i said..i want you to be happy..he said i know.. i said..i love you alot..he said i know. I cant believe i said it.. should have just hung up right then. THEN i said.. lol sooo do you think you are going to stay with her..uggg just kick me now. He said..i dont know. I’m an idiot then the wave reversed.. im soooo sad again. I had such power earlier. I gave it up so fast. I want him back. I really do. But i know i don’t need him. I know he can’t be responsible for my feelings. And he will never complete me. I know that is my department. But I really feel like we are soul mates. But on the other hand. How can a soul mate destroy something this precious? I’m so confused. Am I supposed to stay friends with him? Then he will have his cake and eat it to. But im this far away.. if i dont.. thats it. And i have the ticket for January. Should I go? Maybe by then i wont be caught up in all of this and just be able to hang? He told me that he had never had that much attraction to someone before. But forbidden fruit..you know? Of course he felt that. Im a strong person but boy does my head feel like a blender. Well i have rambled enough and it actually made me feel good. Good bless and good luck to everyone going through this. I feel for ya. Any help I would appreciate. Am I supposed to back away from this far away? He said to call him in the morning. I told him NO. I said if you want to talk..u call me. He kept saying over and over, im sick.. just call and wake me up. Should I call? I mean he has done this horrible thing. UGG please help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> [color:"purple"] [/color]
