wife began to have feeling for me although there is no formal NC letter sent to op.

so we can say we are in the road to recovery, however there are still questions in my head. for example, i do not know exactly why their contact stops now? will they restart it again?
and wife is trying her best to let the affair go by, avoding this talk. however i do feel the lack of talking the affair between us is a big barrier for recovery and heal for both of us. in most way i do think if wife can open her to talk the affair with me , she will get much more relieved than I.
as time goes on, wife shows her feeling towards me, she even can initiate the intimacy with me as before A.
However when i begin to try to initate the intimacy with her, she seems to flinch, do not know how to deal with the intimacy initiated by me. I am confused about it.anyone here can explain it for me.
I do believe it is due to the fear and stress that she carrying in her head, that is why i do believe it is very necessary that she could talk the detail of affair with me in order to relieve the stress , fear and pain.

But i do not know how to start this topic, should i press a little bit to ask her to answer the questions about the details? I know wife will worry a lot if she tells the details i will definately be angry with what has been told,how can i assure her with that? should i wait for a while before i ask the details of her affair .

please give me suggestion

Have you read the main site about safe negotiating? Your W will not open up to you if she doesn't feel safe (even if it's not negotiating). Here is the link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

Have you done the EN/LB questionnaires? When my H and I did them, he opened up more to me about things I didn't even know about than I could possibly have imagined. Perhaps if you set up a safe place to talk, discuss the questionnaires, and avoid ALL LB's, you'll find that she's more willing to share.

Edited to add link.

thank you for your reply. i will read the link that you sent later.

Since NC, wife gradually can initiate intimacy like before A.however recently i m very easiler upset with that wife does not know how to handle the intimacy initiated by me.
wife senses that i m dispointed with her failing to cooperate with my intimmacy and come to reassure me to start a intimacy which makes me feel unnatural and make me even more upset with her.

i know i have hurted her before A by pushing her away when she wanted to hug me. is this reason that she withhold the initmacy with me?

Dealing with the "details" issue, perhaps the following message thread might help: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=2797074

Yes, your W might be "more relieved" when all of the secrets are out, but it's up to YOU to ensure that when you start discussing the details, she feels and continues to feel comfortable giving them to you.

Based on my personal experience, the following does NOT work:

1. "Out of the blue" questions (no advance warning)
2. Interrogation-type questioning
3. Unsuitable environment (other people present, etc.)
4. Over-emotional responses to any of the answers
5. Disrespectul judgments, angry outbursts, opinionated responses to any of the answers


The following seems to have worked in my case:

1. Preparing the questions beforehand.
2. Using a guide to frame the questions (I used the "15 Stages of Unfaithfullness" as a guide).
3. Arranging a suitable time and place with the FWS to go through the questions.
4. Showing the questions to the FWS beforehand.
5. Concentrate on getting the answers, not geting involved in discussions which could lead to disrespectul judgments, etc. (I did this by concentrating on writing her answers down).
6. Thank the FWS for providing the answers.
7. Set aside some time for yourself to go through the answers.

If this is the first Q and A session, it is inevitable that the answers you get will lead to more questions. In that case, simply repeat the process above.

Concerning the intimacy issue, I'm going through a similar situation with my FWW, so I really can't advise on how to deal with it.

Thank you for your post so much.
here i have another question, and i hope i could get the advice for it.

I want to convince wife that i never connect the op and wife together in my mind when i see her and i will never do it.
because i just think it is very necessary to let her know it.

So i want to tell her like this later, please give me some correction .

" wife, i would like to get the questions answered about the affiar, it is nothing to do with op. it is all about me.
OP has not power to influence my life and our life. the questions are all about me.
I will grateful that you could help me heal by answering the questions that i have for you.through my healing , both of could heal quicker "


please advice if some need to be corrected, because the main point of my doing so is let wife know i never put this op in my head , which i am not interested.

thanks

Let me ask you a serious question. What is it exactly that you want to know? And how do you feel that having that knowledge will help you?

Make a list of questions that you'd like answered. Post it and let's talk about it.

hi,
actually i do not care to know any answers for the questions.(???) i want wife to answer my questions to let her relieved , and i want her to know that she does not need worrying about it all the time.
The problem is not i can not forget her affair, the problme is wife can not believe that i will forgive her and i can even accept and love her like before, and i want to give her the picture that she is still as cute as before even she hurts me so deep .
because i can sense that wife is working on the marriage with me, she even can now start intimacy with me since 5 months . During the affair, we never separated. on the day her affair was discovered, i was panic, and lost my temper towards her . after i got to know MB, i began to try to plan A her, plan A works in some way but not in all. but at least plan A let wife to see me changed for her for the marriage.

Later wife began to show her feeling towards me, however i still did not know what reason made them no contact , and i also do not know if they will restart, no any info about it, wife just told me to let it go and move on.
however i strongly feel that i can easily move on with my wife. however wife can not , i just feel she can not move on easily with me because she carrys too many her hiden secrets with her, which makes her very very stressful.
I do believe if wife could let the hiden secrets ( these are also the answers for my questions that i would like to know ,i do believe that i am not interested in them at all,
but i do believe the questions are just for my wife , not for me, it sounds funny? although i will tell wife that i want her to help me heal by answering my questions, as matter of fact i want wife to live light with me after the detail has been talked about with me)

I DO know now wife will not feel comfortable and safe to open up to talk the affair with me, for fear that i will be angry and could not handle it, i do know only she could
open up her to talk with me, which can let her be free from the stress in her mind quite a lot.

the longer the secrets that wife is trying to hide from me, the longer stress she will take, i think in this way.
however i do not know how to let her open up her towards me and how long i need wait to let her open up the talk with me.

“””actually i do not care to know any answers for the questions.(???) i want wife to answer my questions to let her relieved, and i want her to know that she does not need worrying about it all the time.”””

OK. While that sounds wonderful to me I also have my little alarm bell going off. Your marital recovery is your and your wife’s is hers. This stuff takes time, some say 18 months to 2 years. The absolute only thing you can do is ensure that your side of the street is clean and continue to work on yourself, you cannot work or force her recovery. That being said you can strive to continually create that safe environment if she comes to a place where she wishes to share. Now, if you had a burning desire to have details, I would support that but since you don’t then I think all you can do is work on you.

“””the problem is wife can not believe that i will forgive her and i can even accept and love her like before, and i want to give her the picture that she is still as cute as before even she hurts me so deep.”””

Then her silence makes perfect sense to me. Why would she believe that exposing all this dirty laundry would be positive in any manner? Show her consistently through your words and actions that you do love and accept her and for that matter if you do, show her your forgiveness. Do not flaunt forgiveness or dangle it but show it through your actions.

“””i was panic, and lost my temper towards her . after i got to know MB, i began to try to plan A her, plan A works in some way but not in all.”””

Patience….

”””however i still did not know what reason made them no contact , and i also do not know if they will restart, no any info about it, wife just told me to let it go and move on.”””

There is obviously a lot of pain, shame, and other emotions tied to this subject. Are y’all in counseling?

“””however i strongly feel that i can easily move on with my wife. however wife can not”””

If you can move on then do so and she will join but again you cannot recover for her.

“””i just feel she can not move on easily with me because she carrys too many her hiden secrets with her, which makes her very very stressful.”””

I don’t doubt that but I believe they are not for you to take but for her to give away and maybe y’all just ain’t there yet. There are many people on these boards who haven’t had that type of conversation until long after the affair is over. So I encourage you to stay focused on what you control and that is you. No love busters. Create a safe place for her. Listen to her carefully.

i want to try to tell wife to get the help from IC and MC, but i am afraid that will make her embarrassed, and i am very sure that she is not willing to do so even if i suggested her to do so. so i do not know how to address this issue to her.
i can say wife has no idea what is going on with her. she is trying to repair the broken marriage with me, but she is
doing so in the darkness.
now i am so dispointed with her that she does not know how to handle the intimacy initiated by me.
sometimes she could initiate the intimacy with me , but it always happend during the daytime and when i was sitting in front of computer or i was lying in the couch and from there she initiated the intimacy with me and led to SF later.

However during the night, when i go to bed first lying there and i hinted her to show some intimacy with me like she had done during the day, but she simply could not .
so i tried to initiate the intimacy with her , which only made her more uneasy .
sometimes i was not only dispointed with her but also be very upset with her about this.

i would like to get the advice from you how i should handle this?

“””i want to try to tell wife to get the help from IC and MC”””

Yes, I agree that y’all could benefit from Marital Counseling but definitely don’t ‘TELL’ her to go to counseling, rather ask her to join you in counseling to try and create a stronger marriage and better marriage. Check out some places and counselors. If you think she would be more comfortable with a woman counselor, check into a couple of them before you ask her to join you, that way you have it ready to go if she agrees.

“””she is trying to repair the broken marriage with me, but she is doing so in the darkness.”””

Yes, I can understand that but you have to remember that it is her darkness, not yours. You can only take care of you and make sure you are the best you can be.

”””i would like to get the advice from you how i should handle this?”””

Have you tried courting her all over again. What did you do in dating that led to her falling for you. Take her out, be romantic, send her flowers because it’s Monday, send her a card because it’s Tuesday, write her a poem because it’s Wednesday, give her a foot massage because it’s Thursday, plan an awesome evening out because it’s Friday, make her breakfast in bed because it’s Saturday, hold her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear because it’s Sunday. Do all these things without expectation, they truly are things people should do every day of the week just because….

Today i went to bed after wife . every time i feel very pressure about neither of us can show affection when we lying in bed, which i simply find it is too difficult for me to bear.
i could not sleep there, so i got up and went to living room . wife later followed me to the living room asked :
" what happends"? (w)
" i just feel it is too difficult for me to see that you do not enjoy being with me, i want to get the help from IC, will you join in me"(me)
" no, i will not"(w)
"you even have not given me the answers to the questions about your affair, i want you to help me heal"(me)

"what do you want to know?(w)
"i want to know where i were when you met this op for the first time?"(me)
" at home"(w)
" what happend on that day that you alone went to the bar , we had a fight on that day?"(me)
" i have told you many times already?"(w)------------From this answer from my wife i can conclude that on that day we did not fight,but on other day . because she never gave me the answer for this question. however since i asked her if we had a fight on that day, so i sense wife will feel comfortable to give me the answer is: yes, we had a fight on that day .

" if you think the good feeling that op gave you that you never found from me and from our marriage?"(me)
"please drop this topic, i do not want to talk about it with you , i need go to bed, tommorow i will work early.(w)

I saw the wife suffered in answering my question, so i let it go.

However i will try to ask her other questions later.
here is other questions that i will ask , please advice if it is ok right now.

1, what are you attracted to the op?
2, the high feeling you get from this op, compared the feeling that we first dated with each other, which feeling is stronger for you?
3, what is reason that the contacts stop between you now? i believe that op wants more from you and he wants you to marry him, but you can not decide, which makes him feel that you are using him although i know you love him too. Is that correct?

the above questions are the ones that come up with my mind, any one could suggest me if they are ok, and if there should be better other questions?

thank you for your advice.

”””however i still did not know what reason made them no contact , and i also do not know if they will restart, no any info about it, wife just told me to let it go and move on.”””

There is obviously a lot of pain, shame, and other emotions tied to this subject. Are y’all in counseling?



Here i would like to know further , after i asked her some questions ,wife was crying this morning, and I came near to her and thanked her for the answer for one of my questions, and told her i m happy that she could give me the answer for the question that i want to know.
however i want to know what make her feel such pain about my questions ?it is because that she lost this op? or it is because wife inside herself, or she did not feel loved by me?

i hope i could get your advice. thanks

What do you expect to do with this info? U r trying to make logic out of the most illogical situation.

The Xws cried c/b for a variety of reasons:

1. Guilty
2. Remorse
3. Withdrawal
4. Sadness
5. Regret

NO happy thoughts here. So she cries. Does she need to? Only she can answer.

Your objective s/b why you need to know and what you really need to know. Then what r u going t/d with what you know.

L.

Thank you for your reply.

I thought wife has passed over withdrawal stage. for recently she even can start intimacy with me, but she always withhold from me especially when i try to start intimacy with her.

I do not know how long will it take for her to act as natural as before her A?

i think i am too much in a hurry to get her affection towards me.

i think only after she could open up to talk her hiden facets with me frankly , she could have no fear and stress towards me any more, which are barrier for our recovery.

Wife ' affair lasted about 5-6 months( most of EA), NC for about 1-2 months.

now i feel very easily upset with her is : she witholds from me although she could iniate the intimacy once a while.

so i want to know in this stage, how should i handle it ?
please give me advice, thanks

Pinetree,

Please read the link in my sig line about the 5 stages of grieving. It runs a similar pattern to how the surviving family deals with death. There are many emotional stages a BS goes through.

Read it and let us know what you think. Not everyone will go through every stage but there is a general pattern.

Here are some helpful hints:

1. Pray for a clear mind
2. Pray for a calm heart
3. Pray for patience.

You will need all 3 for your personal and M recovery. Remember, personal recovery is within your reach. Then and only then will you be ready for any M recovery. But M recovery comes when u r both ready.

Best to work on you 1st so u w/b prepared. It will also teach you patience.

take care,
L.

thank you for the link that you sent.

I m deeply touched by the experience that you and your lovely son went through.
i can imiage how difficult it was for you and your son.
and i am so proud of that your perseverance and strong character.

After reading i think first i need be emotional strong enough and patient.
I will read the link later again. i appreciate your attention.

Now that's progress. Pinetree.....what u wrote is such an accomplishment. U have no idea....this is giving me goosebumps. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> The very fact that you realize u need t/b emtionally strong and patient is a huge step.

Congratulations on your progress. U definitely r headed in the right direction. Very proud of u! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Pinetree,
Are you using the term intimacy and affection interchangably with sex? It sounds to me like you are and I would suspect that is where your problem is with a difference in responces in the daytime and at night. Read the affection chapter in His Needs/Her Needs. Many men get confused.