Ok we had a nice talk last night & heres what the WW is having the biggest problem with. she cant believe that for so long there wasent any real affection being nice to each other ect. basicly no real relationship @ all just stumbling through life & our marrige. that now I can all of a sudden change & do a lot of this for her which makes her mad & uncomfortable. how do I deal with her anger an her being uncomfortable? In my opion I just need to give it time, is this the correct course of action ? what are your ideas suggestion.


8 weeks since NC
2 week since the end of her withdrawal from the OM

Cliff

A wayward spouse cannot justify his/her bad behavior by blaming the BS for not meeting needs. Communication is key in a marriage. If our spouse is not meeting our needs, we need to communicate those needs. My FWH tried the "blame game" with me ("If you weren't so fat, I wouldn't have strayed." "If you hadn't made me feel unloved, I wouldn't have be so vulnerable."). The fact is that he wasn't talking to me. When I would ask him to talk to me and tell me why he was so distant, he would reply, "It isn't you, it's me." Then he'd clam up. For my part, I thought I was being a good wife. I never complained about the fact that as a consultant he was on the road all week (which he interpreted as not caring) because I thought I was being supportive. Truth was I HATED it! Neither one of us was communicating our needs to the other.

I think you should talk with your wife about communication and how important it is that you tell one another what you want and need. The time for blaming is over. There were things done on both sides that weren't perfect. However, in order to move forward, both parties must acknowledge their contribution to the marital problem. The wayward spouse must take responsibility for the harm he/she has caused. Forgiveness is key -- from both parties. Once you get past that hurdle, the barriers to healing are lowered. Good luck!

You might want to ask her that, knowing full well that you are not a mind reader, why didn't she come forth to tell you out loud that the house [the marriage] was on fire [her initial attraction to OM]?

TMCM

I also for got to mention a few things in my post. She also says she doesent have feelings for me & she refuses to go see a counsoler. any time we talk about feelings she always brings up the hurt & anger of the past. When she does this I admit to my part of past that caused her so much pain & I can see what a jerk I was @ times. I also explain that there is nothing I can do about the past, i have said Im sorry for what I did in the past, all I can do is work on the present but thats not good enough. She does not really admit to any part of our downfall & I feel that she thinks in her mind our marrige was over because she did not feel I cared so she did not care anymore so the A was justified.
Im stiil not reall sure how to handle the situation.

Give her time. SHOW that you mean to change, and do it. Show her how much she means to you. There's a phrase I read here not too long ago (and ironically in a mens' magazine just the other day) that I think is very pertinent- Fake it till you make it! However, her admitting to her part in the marital breakdown would be a good path to recovery in your case.

Time Im having a hard time dealing with that one, allthough talking with everyone here helps. The worst part for me is that our normal day to day conversations are great & we are gett along. Anthing beyond that is a problem from holding hands to an innocent peck on the cheek .

Build up the conversations. Learn everything about her... again. Just like when you first met. That rekindled interest will in turn pique her interest in you. You need to let her know what she truly means to you, if indeed you're sincere. Honestly compliment her, and she'll slowly melt in your arms. The holding hands and kissing comes later... I think. Again, I have offered my advice, but will defer you to the experts here, who have MUCH more experience than I.

I have been doing that & when she states that Im doing somting that makes her feel uncomforable, I try to back off because she wonder why I could not do it be for Its just so one sided right now & puts a lot of doubt in my mind about what Im doing. I wonde how long do I let her stay on the fence with me putting in most of the effort.

Bumping this up for some more advice.