I am newly married. (Just celebrated 1 year) Marriage is going well, get along great etc...no conflicts with money, etc...EXCEPT for the physical part. About 2 months after we were married he stopped wanting any physical contact except for a hug and a peck on the cheek. I know without very indepth details one would have a hard time diagnosing the problem, but I need to know or I wonder is he cheating? Is it me? He says it isnt me, but I have to wonder. Anyone got any ideas?
Very Confused

Cheating wouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind unless there were other signs there, such as unaccounted time, hiding a cell phone, or something else.

I'd be more inclined to think it was something within the relationship. Did y'all live together before marriage? Do you have or have y'all had kids? How old are y'all?

Ohh... Oops where are my manners? Welcome to Marriage Builders. Please take some time to read through the basic concepts of this site. Now all that being said, this is something that needs figured out because if he is not getting his needs met within the marriage then he will be ripe for the picking and may look to have them met elsewhere.

Why don't you give us a little more of that background....

Thanks Bill for the warm welcome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
We have 2 children that are 12 and 9 from my previous marriage. I teach school and he is a student. He works nights at a automotive production plant. We did not live together before marriage. Although we did have physical contact before the marriage. I am not sure why it happened. The sexual part just stopped. Boom. A new semester in school had started, but he had been in school before. So that was not a variable that had changed.

There have been no hidden cell phone bills, because I pay all the bills. There is no time that I can account for that is "unaccounted for". He is asleep during the day while I work and vice versa. I am the type I assume that someone is telling me the truth. He especially has always told me the truth even if it is painful or difficult.

I have no doubt about him loving me, but to go months with no sexual activity worries me. I have never nor would I ever tell him no. I am physically still attractive, I assume. I am 6ft,blonde, blue eyes and about 160. Granted I am not a Victoria Secrets model, but I am not the other extreme either.
We have weekends that we are totally alone, no work, nothing and he makes no indication he wants me period. I will try to make a hint or advance and there is some excuse...tired, too busy, got to do something else.

This is an important part of marriage. We have had arguements about it. I am ready to just accept this will not be a part of our marriage. We will become more like brother and sister. I wont leave him, but it breaks my heart because he is in my heart and soul.

I don’t know how much reading you or he does or have done. I would highly recommend reading His Needs/Her Needs and reading through the entire ‘Basic Concepts’ of this site. In your reading you’re going to find 10 basic ‘emotional needs’, further there are survey’s that y’all can take to identify those needs in order of importance as well as how well your partner is doing at meeting those needs. It’s recommended that we bust our butts meeting our partners top 5.

So here is where the confusion set in a little. TYPICALLY, and I typically because there are definitely exceptions, Sexual Fulfillment and Admiration are high on a man’s emotional needs list. Now if he’s a half-way typical man and has sex as a high emotional need and you are ready, willing, and able then there is a reason he isn’t allowing you to meet that need.

Obviously if he were having it met elsewhere then that would explain it. I don’t believe you should totally discount that but with all the indications as they are it’s likely something else. That this change occurred so close to y’all moving in I would look at what was going on there. Is there anything you can think of that would have been some sort of shock to his system whether it be the kids, the house, or whatever?

Here is a list of emotional needs as defined by Dr. Harley. Take a peek at them and see how you think you are doing. These are in no particular order and at some point it’s going to be necessary for y’all to get them in order to meet the most important ones for each other. If I were guessing, I would say that ‘Most Men’s’ top-five would include 2, 6, 7, 8, & 9 but again these vary from person to person. In all actuality the order you see listed below are mine, so it shows we are not all sex maniacs…lol…

1. Affection (the expression of love in words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love).

2. Admiration (respecting, valuing and appreciating you clearly and often).

3. Conversation (talking about events of the day, personal feelings, and plans for the future; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided attention).

4. Honesty and Openness (revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving a false impression; answering questions truthfully and completely).

5. Family Commitment (scheduling sufficient time and energy for the moral and educational development of your children; reading to them, taking them on frequent outings, developing the skill in appropriate child-training methods and discussing those methods with you; avoiding any child-training methods or disciplinary action that does not have your enthusiastic support).

6. Recreational Companionship (developing interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities).

7. Sexual Fulfillment (a sexual experience that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response in both of you that is frequent enough for both of you).

8. An Attractive Spouse (keeping physically fit with diet and exercise, wearing hair and clothing in a way that you find attractive and tasteful).

9. Domestic Support (creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; management of the home and care of the children—if any are at home— including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, housecleaning).

10. Financial Support (the provision of financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable to you).

Something I do notice is that y’all do not have a lot of time together. That is a problem. How much longer does he have in school? Then what is he going to do?

“””I have no doubt about him loving me, but to go months with no sexual activity worries me.”””

That would worry me too. I think that’s definitely a symptom of a larger problem. Do y’all have a computer in the house? Is he surfing a lot? What about porn?

“””I will try to make a hint or advance and there is some excuse...tired, too busy, got to do something else.”””

Have you try pursuing him a little bit. Plan a weekend date with some activities or places that you know he’d like to do.

Let me ask one more thing, Who is the primary bread winner and who wears the pants in this marriage?

PS.... Take a moment to read through the Love Busters section of this site under the Basic Concepts. Ensure that you stop all of those yesterday. No angry outburst, no indipendent behaviors, no disrespectful judgments.....

You mentioned arguing about this. Arguements if done properly can be productive to a marriage if done improperly can tremendously hurt a marriage. Make sure you are using 'When you x, I feel X" type of statements.

Hi mamabear!
I just wanted to say that I have a similar problem and it really makes a person confused and a bit paranoid. Are the two too of you very open? My husband has simply told me that he wants me to dress sexier. Do you keep yourself up at home? We also had many arguments about sex and your situation may be different but I know when I would get upset it only pushed him away more! I just finished a book called "The Sex Starved Marriage" It really gave me some great insight on the possible causes. I know you feel rejected and deeply hurt. I am going to tell you some things that I felt were helpful from the book. Here are some of the causes of low sexual desire: male sexual disfunction such as erectile dysfunction,ejaculation disorders,low testosterone,some medications,illnesses and unhealthy substances,Psychological issues such as depression, sexual abuse,poor self esteem,grief over a loss of a loved one,midlife crises,fatigue,stress,relationship issues such as resentment,etc. Those are some things to consider. Also when you are being intimate do you act like you are enjoying it? Does he act like he is enjoying it? Do you refuse any of his suggestions or have you in the past? Try to identify if any of these are possible causes and when you do I will tell you some "sexy solutions". Hope this helps!

Hi Guys! Thanks for your awesome posts. Well, I do make more money, but it is because he is in the automotive industry and school. I have never refused him, I am still in great shape, and we have a lot of weekends where my kids go to their dad's. I just dont understand. All the "plumbing" works so to speak, but he pushes me away. He says everything is fine, but my gut tells me otherwise. We are very close in every other area. This is why it confuses me so. My heart is broken. I took a second job to help because lay offs for him are possible. I just dont understand. He acts as if it isnt a big deal. It is a big deal. I have prayed God would just take all my desire away. Then it wont be a problem. He is a chicago fan, so when they played one Sun. I dressed up in really sexy Chicago undies etc..... and did all the "stuff" to get the pre game warm up going...nothing...he looked at me and walked away. I am heartbroken. Like I said, I am still in good shape...six ft. 159lbs....I am not a skeleton, but not fat at all either....God help me.