Moved from Emotional Needs...

My friends, I have some bad news. Last night W said she sees 'no alternative' but divorce.

Background: Check out my thread for deep background. But W asked me to leave the house Sept 04. I started making changes but not enough and left Jun 05 because she played the respect card. If you respect me you'll leave. She was thinking 4-6 months.

Been Plan A'ing my butt off since then with the occassional chasing/upset phone call. Maybe one per month. During that time there was no physical intimacy, none of my needs were asked about or met, and I tried to meet all of the needs she would let me meet unconditionally.

I setup a 4 night cruise at the six month mark without her knowing. My intent was that it be an inflexion point where we start to work toward coming back together. In a letter I invited her to 'join me'. In conversations I did NOT coerce or force her. I said it was her decision.

Cruise is Monday. Last night we had dinner and she wanted to talk about expectations. I said what I said above and that I'd like us to touch, dance, kiss. That I didn't expect, nor even want sex. That I wanted to rebuild our relationship. All that sh*t, I guess I wrote to make myself look good, I don't know.

Anyway. She said she wasn't comfortable doing that. In fact, she went on a long list of blaming me for stuff from years ago. I mostly didn't engage except when she compared me to an old boyfriend who hit her (I never hit her..would never hit her), but I have hit doors 3 times in 12 years. I know it was wrong and that it's scary to her and I am committed to NEVER have that happen again.

Anyway, after lots of blaming. And claiming that even though I've been doing all of these things she still doesn't feel cared for. She sees no alternative but to get a divorce.

I handled it pretty respectfully and calmly. A few tears. No begging. No pleading. I told her I respect her decision. I don't know if this was begging or not, but I told her not to be afraid to change her mind and want to try, that I would listen and be open to that. That I still loved her and thought I was capable of being the man she needed.

She hasn't filed for divorce and I don't think she will for awhile, so theoretically I still have time...ever the optimistic pessimist.

Anyway...my questions are coming.

Question 1: She has been in withdrawal a long time. Is it common for a person coming out of withdrawal to go directly to divorce when they are thrashing?

I know I need to remain calm and not get caught up in it. And, I know to stop defending myself and acknowledge and affirm her hurts. But, I don't know what else to do.


Question 2:
I have been watching the kids and sometimes babysitting for her 3-4 times per week.

Monday Evening - She works in the evening.
Saturdays - She works from 8am - 2pm
Wednesdays - She goes out
Sundays - sometimes for breakfast or she goes out in the evening.

Our biggest problems has been my paranoia when she has gone out. She'll stay out until 11-12pm and I get to be a wreck. I'd like to pull back and only watch the kids Mondays and Saturdays. However, how will she interpret that? Will that be considered more selfish uncaring behavior on my part? How do I protect my feelings and my behaviors and support her at the same time?

If you two are living apart then I would take the children every other weekend. Just like you would do with a D. Maybe one night during the week. Give her a taste of reality of the D world. She will have to get a babysitter ect. You are making it to easy for her to be single. I think she may still be in contact with all her free time.

Is there an OM?

Why did you move out?

Can you move back? (You may want to ask your lawyer for that).

Who is paying for the expenses?

Why are you enabling her to be single?

Can you make an appointment with the Harleys?

Please answer theaw questions, so we can have a better idea of your sitch. I will also read your posts to get a better picture of your situation.

Hard Head,

""Is it common for a person coming out of withdrawal to go directly to divorce when they are thrashing?""

You say she is in, or coming out, of withdrawal.

From what you say about her and her treatment of you, it sounds like continued contact, rather than withdrawal.

Or, she is digging the "single" lifestyle and had no intention of working on the M.

""In fact, she went on a long list of blaming me for stuff from years ago.""
""Anyway, after lots of blaming. And claiming that even though I've been doing all of these things she still doesn't feel cared for.""

Sounds like she made her mind up about the D last year when she first asked you to leave and never expected or wanted you to change.

Again, I don't know the whole sitch and am too lazy to go look it up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

""However, how will she interpret that? Will that be considered more selfish uncaring behavior on my part?""

Hate to say this but "What do you have to lose?"

Are you being too accomidating? Selfish uncaring behavior that you want to limit her "single life style"?

Stay strong and true to YOURSELF!!

k

I'm pretty sure no. I researched pretty much everything. No emails. No mysterious phone calls when I'm there. I don't have access to her cell phone. She recently asked me why I thought people had affairs and she expressed disgust. I'm an analyst at work and I see the worst in everything...I don't see it. But...I wouldn't be the first to be surprised.

She played dirty. She told me the only way I could show her I respected her was to move out.

Based on the original statement. It would be disrespectful. I tried to move back once in July and she threatened divorce and reiterated the only way I could show her respect was to move out. She said she couldn't think of any other way to save our marriage, and she wanted to try it her way.

I am. She started working Saturdays and Monday evenings to bring in a little extra.

It's a great question. I ask myself that all of the time. a) I'm trying to learn to be graceful. b) I am trying to learn that I can't control her. c) She has felt that I have been controlling her, so I want to show her I won't. d) A demon of hers is that people have not been supportive and have left her on her own to sink or swim (and she's always kept her head above water). So, I'm trying to show her that I will support her unconditionally and not abandon her like her parents and others have. e) I feel like if I get 'tough' she will feel it is controlling and disrespectful and pull farther away and revert back to her familiar survival mode.



I can. I guess I never considered it since it would be just me. What would one person all by themselves get out of it?