Hello all,
I am new to this site. I got a call at work 3 1/2 years ago saying my wife was having a male visitor in our home while I went out of town to pick up my daughter from a previous marriage. I confronted her and she denied it. Later that night she said she had had a visitor but nothing happend and she stuck with that story until 4 months ago. In June of this year she was hit head-on by a drunk driver and was almost killed. That made her decide to come clean about the affair she had. She said they had been intimate once and that the contact ended when I initally confronted her. Now she acts like the weight is off her shoulders but it has now been placed on me. I am crushed over this but am trying to overcome. I am not sure she has told me the whole truth but am relatively sure she has not has any other A's since. I am having a hard time forgiving her. I am as hurt about her lying for 3 years (including making out like I am being irrational for being suspicous) as I am about the affair. We are going to counseling through our church but she is doing little if any of what she has been told to do. I am doing everything I have been told to do. Am I fighting a loosing battle? I love her but I tend to dwell in the past and this is the most painful experience I have ever had. Any comments or advice would be appreciated. I might also mention that my wife is from Mexico and I am from the US and the language and cultural differences are a major obstical. We have been married for 7 years and she will not speak in English more than a few words even though she has completed all the ESL classes at the Community College. She could be fluent if she wanted to be. I feel her lack of desire to become more Americanized was a big reason for the affair.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It's a great place to be.

Your wife did tell you the truth, so I give her credit for that. Most don't, unless they are caught.

I don't understand what you are saying about her lack of desire to be Americanized as being a big reason for the affair. Care to add more information?

Actually I can understand what you're saying about that 'lack of being Americanized' contributing to the affair.

I had some good friends I knew in Germany...he was an American soldier (as was I) and his wife was/is German.

The last time I'd seen them they had been married for about 5 years. She refused to speak English at all in the household, he refused to speak German. Both were pretty fluent in either language, but allowed this to be a major point of contention between them. Their son grew up speaking both.

I could SEE where BOTH of them were sooo unhappy with their spouses. This created a wall that pretty much prevented either of them from making deposits in each other's love bank. I don't know if they're still married now, but if they are, then my money is that one of them gave in and decided to compromise.

I can also relate big time to your pain in dealing with the lies, and the affair.

All I can recommend is that you try to take the time to work through it, remember that she DID choose you and to be with you, and at least she's being honest NOW. Small beans, I know...but it's a start.

By Americanized, I mean trying to do for herself a little more instead of using me as a crutch so she won't have to use English. She understands a lot but in unwilling to speak it except in very limited doses. She will never be good at English unless she uses it more. I learned Spanish that way. Even when there is a "Spanish" option to make a Dr. Appointment, settle a phone bill question or whatnot, she always wants me to make the call. She answeres the phone in Spanish when she can say Hello perfectly fine, even when she sees that's it's an American calling. This lack of willingness to use the English is part of what I'm talking about. Conversly, when I speak to her Family, I always speak in Spanish, even when I'm not sure I'm saying it right. We live in the US and I think she should try and be more open to using English than she is. All she seems to care about is watching Spanish TV, reading Spanish magazines and talking to her Spanish-speaking friends. After 8 years here, she has zero American friends. Remarkably, she has agreed to go to the English-speaking Branch of our church with me, we used to go to separate services for our respective languages. This has caused me to have more and more resentment towards her ever since we got married. Before we got married she wanted to learn English but now shows no interest at all, even when the counselor told her to do so as part of improving our relationship. I am sick of hearing Spanish!!

Do you travel a lot in your line of work? I ask because according to Dr Willard Harley, careers that take away one spouse for longer than one night, create an affair friendly environment.

Being from different cultures has nothing to do with being more susceptible to having an affair. Obviously I don't know your W like you do, but does she hold traditionalist views about H & W roles in the marriage? I ask because a great number of mexican women still hold very traditional views about marriage. This in and of itself is not necessarily bad but you may want to consider asking her what would she do if, God forbid, you died? Remind her that just like she had a brush with death 6 months ago, that you also could have one but not be as lucky as she was and that her level of English proficiency would determine her fate after your departure from this world.

She is Traditional in her views of H&W roles but up until the accident, she was fine with me doing all the cooking. To me she seems to want the best of both worlds and the responsabilities of neither. I do very little travel for work, maybe once every 2-3 years.