Can you guys thrash this one out with me?
One of the suppliers at H's work has invited him to spend a week in Cuba (he works as a bar/cigar lounge manager) in February. It is not compulsory or imperative to his job and I REALLY don't want him to go.

I've never been fond of any time that H has had to spend away overnight or work trips aborad. Now after the A, and being just 3 months from DDay, I don't think this trip and time apart is a good idea at all. H works extremely long hours and we don't have enough quality time together as it is.

I've told him I'm not happy about it and if I insist, I know he won't go BUT he has the desire to go and I think that's what I have the problem with. I'm particularly sensitive to time apart as H left me for 5 weeks after DDay. I would like to think in his mind he'd be saying "Wow, that's a nice invite but I'd rather be with my family, I don't want to be apart from them ever again"
Unfortunately that's not what going on. He wants to go. Under normal circumstances, sure I wouldn't like it but it wouldn't be making me feel so awful. Perhaps it's that I feel his desire to go is selfish...like the A. If the shoe were on the other foot and I had the opportunity to have a free trip, I wouldn't consider going...precious time together would be more important to me. Am I the one who's selfish though? Standing in the way of H's enjoyment because of my neediness and insecruities.

I've been doing so well this past week. H and I had a great talk which sorted lot's of stuff in my mind I and felt a shift in my thinking. This has thrown me a bit.

Thanks for your input. Posting here and reading replies helps clear my thinking.

1WW,

A WEEK in Cuba? Any way you can go too?

From what I have seen and read about Cuba recently, it may be more like camping out than a luxurious resort setting.

A week seems like a long time to give a cigar/lounge manager, unless you live in Miami.

He should say "I will go only if my lovely wife can accompany me. And I will pay for any additional expense."

He does NOT need to go. You are not over reacting.

Your happiness should be numero uno to him.

k

Have you offered to POJA this with him?

If he refuses to use POJA, then you know exactly where you stand with him.
Mulan

Thanks for the replies.

We are in the UK so that's why it would be a week long trip. Unfortunately there's no way I could go even if the suppliers agreed to me tagging along. We have 2 children, 1 in school and we've money troubles to boot! He's likely to be going on visits to tabacco plantations, factories and alike. He's been before on a similar trip years back.

I will POJA this with him. I don't need to be 'insisting' he not do something because it will hurt me or cause me distress. Yes, I very much need to feel that my happiness his numero uno to him.

Willow! Hi!

You know, my H had to go to Mexico for a week exactly this time last year, (and OW was going, I know WHAT WAS I THINKING???) and I tried to be very understanding and stoic about it. I thought we were 4 mos. into recovery. I found out on Dec. 17 that the A had relapsed, and that she got pg probably on that trip. So, I have to admit I have some biases about whether your H should go on this trip w/o you, and want you to know that up front! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BUT, I don't think it's a good idea this soon after recovery starts.

POJA is the way to go, negotiate, negotiate, negotiate until you are both at ease. If that means 3 hours of phone calls every night, or you going along regardless of the money situation, or him not going at all, or whatever it takes for you both to be comfortable with it... your relationship can't take a resentment-building disagreement/decision like this right now.

Let us know how the POJA goes. BEST OF LUCK!

NTL (MSA)

Willow,
What did you end up doing about the trip???

MSA/NTL

1WW,

There are just 2 choices IMO.

Either you go with him or he doesn't go. End of story.

My H will not go anywhere without me now (used to go O/S alot) & we are not all that financial, but surprisingly enough, we always manage.

Do you have a relative/friend that can take care of your children for the week? They will all survive without you, believe me. 7 days is not that long.

Even though he will be working through the day, you will have your nights together. I found that this time was very precious together, lots of talking, reconnecting etc. Could be fun for you.
Good luck.

Take care

Eyes Opened