FWH and I had our first professional counseling visit 12/06 and he recommended we start by reading "Passionate Marriage" by David Snartch. Even though the title of the book does not specify, he says it deals mostly with Emotional Maturity and Development. Which is our counselor's primary plan of action.. To develop that in us.

I think that is a good thing. FWH does not admit he has a problem or addiction but then who does readily admit they have an addiction? And why else would a spouse cheat when there is no logical explanation and most if not all EN are being met?

But I read on Lemonmand's thread how some affairs have nothing at all to do with the BS and quite frankly it's a character issue.. This keeps replaying in my head and I do agree with him now that I think about it more but it makes me sad all the more.. b/c what if my FWS isn't capable of changing?

I'm happy to hear that WH is willing to attend MC. At least it's a start. My H refuses to do anything of the sort because he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I've read your posts and your WH sounds just like my H--serial cheater. I too battle with the issue that H is probably not capable of changing because he doesn't see the pattern with our M and his pasts reliationships.

I believe that his EN's were being meet by me and that maybe he has a character flaw. I was completely blown away when i discovered his A's because i thought we had a great M. But i'm starting to think that no matter what i would've done i couldn't have prevented his A's.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Passionate Marriage is my favorite relationship book

but

it is a very tough read

don't be surprised if you need to go through it slowly

I am constantly re-reading that book and picking up new things each time

Just wait <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> until you get a look at the section two tools for connection chapter titles .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[color:"blue"]

6. Hugging till relaxed

7. Love and Foreplay Aren't Blind, Unless You Insist on It

8. Eyes-open Orgasm: Making Contact during Sex

9. Where's Your Head During Sex? Mental Dimentions of Sexual Experience

10. F(ing), Doing, and Being Done: It isn't What You Do, It's the Way You Do It[/color]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

but as tempting as it sounds ... don't skip to the sexy chapters before you really understand fully section one: "The Basics".

I keep this book at work in my desk drawer .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Let me know if you want to discuss the book once you get started!

Many will agree that men and women tend to have A's for different reasons... mainly because the priorities of the EN's are usually different. But, there are those that are truely happy with their mate but still have an A.

My neighbor was truely happy with his W and yet he still had a PA. Why? He said, "Because the opportunity to be with another woman physically never really happened often in his life so he wanted to see what it was like."

Doesn't make it right, just an example that not all A are because of EN's.

DevastatedNewMOM- Yes I remember posting to you on your thread and I feel so badly for the situation. But, I am keeping up with you and it sounds like you started doing a great Plan A.. Ark has some great advice. and yes Plan A does work. IS it hard? You betcha! I'm going to post more on your thread b/c I really want you read what I have to say to you and not miss it. I'll be over your thread in a sec.

Pepperband- I have to admit, when I saw you replied to me I was somewhat "starstruck" To have an "oldie" reply to a newbie was amazing to me.. I dont know why I thought the "oldies" were stuck up LOL.. BUt I feel the same way when Ark or Lemonman or JL reply to me too.. (Now if only I could catch Mortarman's and Melody Lane's attention)
Okay back on the subject. Well then I'm excited to start reading the book. The counselor didn't state but would you suggest H and I read it together? or should we get two copies? My H is NOT reader by any means but he says since he is footing the bill for the counselor he will do the homework.. Not the best motive but Hey at this point I'll take whatever works. Now it seems to be a really sexual book.. does it really deal with the emotional maturity of a person and developing that? I'm a little worried b/c I feel in my heart of hearts FWS has a sexual addiction (although he won't admit) and I dont want him losing focus on our recovery b/c of all the juicy titles and content.

Hopeful4future- Your story of your friend made me spirit heavy.. almost like the situation is hopeless.. We all cheat.. is what it seems like? why else would there be sooo many of us here on MB infidelity forum and who is to say it isn't in me to do the same? I feel I won't cheat but now I wonder..

Pepperband- I have to admit, when I saw you replied to me I was somewhat "starstruck"

shut-uuuuuppp <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I thought the "oldies" were stuck up LOL..

maybe we are !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

The counselor didn't state but would you suggest H and I read it together?

[b]That's a really good question.

Here's what I think .... you can read it aloud together ... make this part of your 15 hours a week together.

Take turns reading. Then discuss what you understand it to mean.

There is a lot of talk about sex in the book, yes that's true, but if you want to know how I would characterize it ~~~> it is mainly a spiritual intimacy text book.

HOW TO CONNECT TO YOUR SPOUSE IN A DEEPLY MEANINGFUL WAY

It teaches you how to touch souls during sex, not just touch genitals <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Ask your H to devote 30 minutes a day with you, alone in the bedroom, reading aloud .... trust me ... you will develop some non-sexual intimate feeling for each other doing this ....

I love this book, can you tell? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Pepperband!
Now I'm really excited to get started. We will go and buy the book and start this weekend. Our next counseling appt is Dec 20th which gives us two weeks of reading to do. Hopefully H will still be motivated to continue on with the counseling. I'm a little bummed out that counselor couldn't get us in any sooner especially in the midst of what I consider "crisis" but it was hard b/c of the holidays.. H and I went to counseling one time before but he quickly got burned out..IT wasn't really helping and it was a woman counselor.
This time H picked the counselor out and he is male so I"m sticking with this counselor.

I'll come find you with any questions, observations and revelations about the book.

Thanks!