H and I divorced this week. Separated for over a year. During the separation we continued to do "family" stuff, even after both of us started other relationships.

My long sordid tale is in the thread called "Mixed Signals" here on this board. Long story short, I ended a relationship that I started post-separation when I realized that what I really wanted was my H back. H now has an online GF on the other side of the country, who just happens to be visiting him this week. (Talk about timing).

Before the D we discussed exploring reconciliation on several occasions. He said he was not ready.. but it wasn't out of the question. Rather than stepping back from both me and his g/f in order to figure out what he wanted to do, he went ahead and made arrangements for her to spend a week here, and "loaned" (cough) her rent money (which he cannot afford, he paid her rent before his delinquent credit card, which dumped my credit score too as he never removed me as an authorized user on the account, and his back taxes that could put a lien on my house). So while how he spends his money isn't exactly my business, it is when he's costing me.

We were even talking about postponing the D, I wasn't emotionally ready but when I discovered that he'd paid her rent I went ahead with D because I wanted to protect my children's support. If he's going to start paying her expenses even before his own, I want to ensure that my children and I get our due first. Big leap of mistrust there now - huge love-buster <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I think he's being played.. but he's got to make his mistakes, just as I made mine (although I didn't get played...)

On divorce day he came to court, sat with a very long face as I testified, and divorce was granted. He was gone like a shot from the courtroom. He showed up at our place of business 90 minutes later to pick up stuff for a client and left. I was an emotional wreck, he was very cold. Not sure what he did in those 90 minutes - whether he went to have his own private cry, or went home to celebrate with his g/f... given his expression I do think he felt some grief and that wouldn't have been cool to share with g/f, now would it?

Based on communication with him even yesterday - he's hostile right now because I don't want the children to meet his g/f the same week as the divorce. Personally I see that relationship is "temporary"... but I put it to him this way, "The next time XXX visits, you will have a longer-established relationship and the D won't be so fresh on everyone's mind"... so I've managed to keep my children from being exposed to this, for now.

I made the horrible mistake of bringing another man into my kids' lives during my separation and they were very disappointed when it was over. I made that mistake, I own it, I've asked forgiveness of all involved, and of God and I won't do that again. While it may seem like I'm trying to apply a double standard - I'm not. I learned a genuine lesson, and I don't want to see the kids hurt again - especially now, my son in particular has been asking me why we can't be a family again and he was very upset about the divorce. Daughter is a bit more closed than my son - she insists she's ok but I can see she's grieving too... so I'm taking extra time and TLC with them.

We own a business together - which makes Plan B somewhat impossible but here's what I'd like to try...

I still feel in my heart that repair is possible, even post-divorce. I know also that this isn't going to happen overnight, or even anytime soon. I also know that *IF* it were a possibility it would mean a lot of MC, IC and hard work on both our parts. Still, in my heart I think it would be worth it - and from what he has said to me, I think he feels the same way, but he can't quite decide whether he wants to work his way home, or keep the warm fuzzies going with g/f. It must be a lot easier to keep somebody happy at arm's length than every day at home - but that only lasts for so long. Besides with her far away he was able to still do family stuff either with or without her knowledge. I'd bet she didn't know just how much time and togetherness we had. H and I have had no romantic or sexual relationship since before he moved out, but we're friendly and amicable.

Our marriage did not end because of an A, even though he had an EA about 8 years ago - we got past that. He suffers from depression (he finally got the help he needed after we separated), and addictions which I believe were aggravated by the depression. He has passed drug tests that I impose for visitation. I've seen many positive changes in him but some of the deal-breakers are still there. I believe MC could help this *if* he wanted to fix it. I'm willing to listen to what he needs and work with MC to fix my end of things.

So... until now we've still gone out to dinner as a family every Friday. We spent Thanksgiving as a family. At first he used to bring his laundry over (he has a washer/dryer now)... in many ways he enjoyed the benefits of being a family man, without the committment of making the marriage work. Do you smell cake?

Now we're divorced. I need to focus on my kids and myself - so I've told him that I don't think we should do family outings etc., anymore. He's not happy about that - but I told him that by spending all this family time as well as pursuing the relationship with g/f, he wasn't being fair to any of us. The family stuff gave us all false hope, and I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. I asked him rhetorically whether he'd told his g/f about all this family time, and how might she feel if he was spending all this time with his ex if he was building a relationship with her. I also asked him rhetorically if he was honest with the g/f that he was contemplating a relationship with me again. IMO that's irty pool on his part because he's keeping us both on a string, and I didn't buy into that. As it is he's spent most of this week working at his day job, dragging her along to our clients' job sites in the evenings or he left her at home last night to attend a school function with me present. If I were the g/f I'd be more than a little peeved that I'd left my kids behind and come across country to spend a week in his apartment watching TV... but hey, that's just me *g*.

From what I gather, the purpose of Plan B is to cut off the WS (or in my case, Ex-S) with the intention of showing them what they are losing by taking it away.

I can't do that completely as we run a business together (he works part-time at our business and full-time at a regular job). I work the business full-time. If there was a way out of it I'd take it.. but that's not possible at this time, and I can't force him out either.

However, if I can't completely cut him off, I can at least cut off the extracurricular stuff. Right now he doesn't even have visitation rights because he didn't take the state-mandated parenting course. I'm not going to keep him from the kids completely but I'm going to put some restrictions on visitation until he completes his course (which I found to be extremely beneficial - wish I'd taken it sooner or I wouldn't have made so many mistakes!).. if I just leave visitation as it was, he'd never take the course. That's a quandry in itself - he had 4 months to take the course and didn't. But to prevent him from visiting the kids til he takes it, would hurt the kids.. catch-22, but I digress... irresponsibility was one of the deal-breaker issues that led to the demise of the marriage. Now that I'm not cleaning up his messes after him he's going to have to grow up and face his responsibilities I guess. I think that scares him some, because to this day I've never abandoned him. I need to let go and let him sink or swim.

Am I being totally naive? I'm going forward with this for two reasons... firstly I need to move forward with my life, whether or not it includes him. I can't do that if I'm still playing "happy family" with him. Secondly, I'm wondering if he loses that family time, will he decide he wants it badly enough to work for it again?

I realize I cannot force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I'm aware that it could go either way at this point and while I'm hopeful for a true reconciliation I do realize that if he doesn't want it, it won't happen. However, I feel compelled to do whatever I can to at least try one more time.

I guess I feel that I need Plan B for myself first. I need to emancipate myself and move on with my life, focus on my kids and my business and myself and get into a better headspace. IF he decides he wants to come along with me for that, perhaps that's a bonus?

I'm doing this for the right reasons - and I can't ask anybody to read his mind, but does anyone suppose that this might actually work us toward reconciliation? Previously he lost it all except that connection to us as a family... because I could not quite give it up and I felt that if we kept things going on some level it might lead him back home. Do you think that now he can't have that cake and eat it to, it will encourage him to make a choice?

As I said I don't see his online relationship lasting - if she can't pay her rent, she can't afford to move here with her children (and what about their father/visitation?!) or buy another plane ticket to visit. He used the last of his airmiles on her, and he is unlikely to move because of our children and our business (we've talked about that), so as I see it, sooner or later that relationship will run its course. After he can't give her any more money and after the long boring week she's spent here, it wouldn't surprise me if she fades out of the picture fairly quickly upon her return home. I also suspect she's got other irons in the fire... I mean, who asks someone you've known for 4 months, and online, for money? (And who's stupid enough to give it?!) I wonder who paid her rent last month? Or who will pay it next month? OK... I'm getting catty now...

IF he comes to me to try to reconcile, I don't hope for it to be immediately. I think he really needs some alone time to figure out just what he wants and needs - based on some of the emails we've exchanged in the last few days, he's one very confused man, in denial about it. On one hand he tells me he was actually contemplating coming home someday, and in another breath he's telling me how in love he is with g/f... he needs time - lots of it and I'm OK with that, because I need time too.

Any thoughts? Has anyone been on his side of the fence here? I'd like to hear any/all perspectives on this.

H2U