I hope someone can give me some advice. I feel so down and hopeless.

My H and I have been married for 2 years. We lived together for 4 years, and have been living apart for 2.5 years so we can finish our residencies. He lives in a different state. We were the best of friends. We used to talk on the phone all day, and saw each other every 2-3 weeks. We should be talking about our future together and where we are going to live as we are going to be done in June. Sadly that is not the case....

About a year ago, he started becomming very distant, and the phone calls dropped off. He was still himself, and assured me everything was fine. About 8 months ago, I accidently found out he was having an A from his cell phone records while on vacation. He denied it at first, but eventually admitted to it over the next week. He promised to end it and said he didnt want to loose me. I offered to move back with him, even though it meant not completing my residency. However, he didnt want me to give up everything I had worked so hard for. He promised me he was going to end the A, and I believed him. He seemed so sincere.

Everything seemed to be headed in the right direction after that. We started calling each other more, and still seeing each other every 2-3 weeks. However, I continued to snoop and check his voice mails and cell records almost daily. Finally, 2months ago, I heard a voicemail from one of his friends saying:"Have a good time with #### (OW's name) tonight." I was livid. I called him and left several ugly messages on his and OW voicemail (since they wouldnt pick up).

When I did finally calm down, we talked and he said he had strong feelings for OW, and that he was in love with her. He said he couldnt stop seeing her. He said he believed that she was "the one." Things have been rough since. I dont want to end the marriage, and thank God I found this site. I have exposed as much as I can. I dont know anyone where he lives, so cant do much there. But, I did tell his family, and they have been very supportive of me. They have tried to reason with him, but WH turned his back on them. They do not want to talk to him or speak with him. I called OW's parents, since she is single. But, they dont seem to really care. I cant tell my parents because I know they will never forgive him if our M works out. Wh is such a mean person now. He says such hurtful things. My family and I did so much for him that he would not be where he is in life without us. I feel like I handed my H over to this OW on a silver platter.

I am trying to do a plan A, but it is so hard since we live so far apart. Every week he says he is going to file for D, and then the next day he says he is confused. He blames his unhappiness on me. He calls maybe once a day or every other day now. The last time he talked he said he wanted to distance himself from me. He said he doesnt want me to visit him anymore. I think he is getting pressure from OW and her family for to file.

All I have is his family support, and that makes WH really mad. He thinks I brainwashed them. What do I do? Is there any hope? I feel he is getting used to not having me in his life. I cry every day, and think about it every second of the day. I try not to, but its hard not to.

Stella:

1st things first, tell your family. You need support and you need it now. Don't shortchange your parents now. You are NOT doing yourself any favors by hiding this from them and not getting their support.

What residency are you in..? him ?

Lem

I am in dermatology and he is in cardiology.

I know they should know, but I dont know if my mom could handle it, and I was trying to spare them the uncessary grief if possible

If you were my daughter and I ever found out that you hid this from me to spare me my own "grief" I would be crushed. If you are in a Dermatology residency, than you MUST have been at the top of your Medical School class. You are no doubt a smart woman, but your thinking here of NOT your parents for support is ill advised in my opinion. You sound like a wreck, and now is the time you NEED support.

Trust me, your marriage may or may NOT survive your husbands affair, but the basis for a lack of marital recovery will NOT be because of your parents knowing about his actions.

I can't tell you what else to do. Your in a tough spot, and I don't ever fancy myself as a marriage recovery "anything", but I do think you need your parents support NOW.

LEM

I agree with Lem, your parents need to know NOW!

I know you may not want to hear it but since your M is so new and there are no children involved I am not sure I would suggest you stay in this M. It get worse later when you have children.

In any event, I highly recommend you make an appointment with the Harleys as they can help you come up with a plan.

Lastly, it would be a huge mistake to leave your studies in these circumtances.

Best

Stella,
I'm sorry for what you have found out and what you are going through.

I will tell you I did as you are doing.
When I found out about my x's affair, I kept it a secret for a year. I was like you, and felt my mother couldn't handle it.
If I had to do over again, I would not keep it to myself.
It's very hard on you, and you need support.
I know there is shame that goes with it, but it's not yours to own.

Take care of yourself, and please consider talking to your family.
Karona

Thank you lemmonman. I am a wreck, and it is hard keeping such a secret from them, especially when they are always asking when I am going to go see him again. My in-laws have said that whenever I am ready to tell my parents, that they will help me do it. I just have to find it within me to do it. I do appreciate your insight.

Knowing how difficult it was to get that derm spot is exactly why I could not make the move to leave to be with him, especially when I am almost done.

And thanks to everyone else....

Sorry stella27...... This sucks, but I would suggest leaving the guy, or at least distancing yourself from him. Stop being there to answer his calls, emails, or whatever. Start becoming more social, and create a support group around you. He's made up his mind, and nothing is going to change it. Break ties from him, and get on with your life. The possibility of you leaving him may snap him out of his potential delusions... though don't count on it. However, why would you put up with and fight for someone who says he's found "the one"? YOU should be the one. It's not like he's made a mistake, he's making a choice, and sadly, sometimes we don't have an option in changing those choices of other people at times.

As others here say.... TELL YOUR FOLKS! They will be there to help you through this bad time; as we here on the boards will be. Good luck.

Yes, by all means get support you need. I fully understand the rigors and competitition of getting a residency spot especially one like Dermatology which is so highly coveted (although I admittedly never understood that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />).

I think you should treat telling your parents like you would anything else that you have had to do in your life (USMLE step 1, USMLE step 2, etc...). You seem to have the supoort of your in-laws, so you need to use this to your advanatge also for support. Perhaps, by you continuing to kep this a secret you are enabling his affair even. Tell your paretns, get this affair fully out in the light of day, and get the support you need.

People don't get into dermatology spots and have the accomplishments like you have on their record and still not be able to do things "within".

Make that call....or go visit them THIS WEEKEND.

Lem

So does this situation seem hopeless? I really want my H back, not this person who he has become. I thought this talk was fog, but is it not, since we have been apart for so long? I appreciate the honesty, though.

Not necessarily. The question is whether it is worth it?

Lemmonman,

I am going to venture to guess your are a physician. Perhaps a surgeon?

Stella

This is typical for a WS. He is trying to push you away...convince himself that he does not or has never cared for you....



Also typical...


What is keeping you from visiting him regardless of his protestations?

I suggest that you tell him that you are coming to visit and then show up..

Do you have a key to his place..since YOU ARE MARRIED and YOU ARE HIS WIFE?

Be there when he comes home....

Why not..since you have made it clear to him that you want to work on the marriage...

The OW wants you to make it easy for her and to GO AWAY...

You can tell that I don't believe in giving up and I try not to see any situation as being hopeless...

I don't think the situation is "hopeless" at all. If you want to be married to this man, there are a multitude of ways for you to continue doing this. There have been situations FAR worse than yours here and people have recovered their marriages. It is essentially almost never "hopeless". I believe that all affairs will eventually die, and if you have the "will" to "wait" out the affair, you will get another chance. Someone once posted probably the most assinine comment I ever read, in that they essentially belived that people should Plan A untill the affair ends, even if it is "years"....I thought that was a moronic comment, but upon further reflection I think they are right. If one "waits" long enough, the affair will die, and they will usually get another chance with their WS, even if by "default"...for some here, that is enough. Now, please don't mistake what I am saying to you and infer that I think you should do this.

"Can" a marriage be saved vs "Should" a marriage be saved is the question. One year ago, I would have posted to you that I think you should file for divorce tomorrow and never speak to your lying, cheating, heathen, scumbag husband again....But I found out that that advice was not and is not helpful to people.

You'll have to figure out for yourself if this marriage is "worth" saving to you. There is alot of "pain" and "struggle" and potential serious "resentment" ahead for you should you try and recover a marriage after this, and you have to make the determination for yourself if it is "worth" it. There are many variables that come into play here.

This is not as simple as your Cheating Husband coming out of the "fog" someday and you guys picking up right where you left off. I think you probably believe this, so that naivety fuels you in NOT telling your parents anything, as you wait for your cheater to get out of the fog. Am I right?

Lem

Hmmmm, this person he's become... Someone different, someone who doesn't care about you, someone that would throw away all the time you've invested in your relationship, and someone who doesn't give a damn if you bawl your eyes out everynight?

I personally came across this site for infidelity reasons myself. Luckily, my wife wants me back, claiming she made a mistake, and now- a month later, I can see the pain and empathy for the damage done to me in her eyes. I'm lucky. REALLY lucky. I only had to deal with an internet emotional affair rather than one on a personal or physical level. I had the chance to rewind time, before too much damage had been done to my esteem and marriage. However, she made a mistake. There's a BIG difference between making a mistake and making a choice...

You on the other hand, if I were a friend in person, I would hold your hand, and tell you to let it go. This "other" person, the one you don't want him to be, has taken control, and I don't think there's much you can do for it now. No amount of pleading, or interruption in the affair will make anything change.

Sure, you can show up "unexpectedly" and enter his apartment without notice, but be prepared for potentially rude awakenings. Perhaps though it may give you closure on the whole affair. You are correct in your assumption that Lemonman is a surgeon, his agony is spelled out rather clearly in his post. And sadly, his tragedy too. There are times when it's just time to let go, and get on with things. I feel bad for telling you this, and wish I could say otherwise, but personally, I think it's time you move on. Cope with whatever grievances you need to, including dealing face-to-face with the two, but be prepared for the worst. Be strong. You don't need him. HE needs YOU! However, he's made up his mind, and it's you he's sadly lost.

Maybe you should take my outlook as a last option; others here may have better options for recovery, but he's totally shattered your trust and love in him, and thrown it casually to the wind. IF you were to reconcile, would you be able to forgive him? Is living in paranoia a choice you're willing to take on for years to come? You're just beginning a grand career, there will be MANY doors opening for you in the future, don't dwell on the past so much that you'll miss them opening for you...

Mimi,

I have done as you suggested. I flew up there expecting to see my H, and all I got was my WH. I didnt feel like his wife. I dont want be in some place where I am not wanted.

Lemonman,
I dont think we will just pick up where we left off (if it works). I also could not imagine doing a plan A until the A
ends (unless it ends tomorrow). I wonder often how it could even work for me because intuitively it seems to enable his A and allow the "cake-eating."

And I WILL go visit my parents and tell them. Yes, I am reluctant, but every single person on this board has suggested such.

Stella,

I am glad you decided to tell your parents. It is the right decision and the right thing to do.

Best

EndlessHorizon,

I appreciate your comments. I dont know your story, but how is what your W did a mistake, and what my H is doing a choice.
All A are choices. Right? Or am I missing something?

Stella

Hi stella27.

Inherently, ALL affairs are choices. It's how those choices are arrived at that matters, I think.

In my post to you, I have a link that you can click to read about my sordid past. Heh. Just click on the underlined link here or to the left <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> to read up on my case.

My wife I left to her own devices, and sadly ignored her complaints for years. I took her for granted and that atrophied our marriage to no end. It was serious when she was complaining of it, but I blew it off constantly as hot air. By the time I left her alone on the computer playing that game, she was done with me. She had given up. I however, hadn't. Although I was complacent, I still loved her dearly. I always have, and always will.

She thought I was having an affair. She justified my lack of compassion, my entropy, as a signal to her as a lack of caring for what happened in our marriage. That fueled her EA. She had a miscommunication with me that I never corrected. That's where she was mislead, and thus began the ominous downward spiral into an affair.

Now, in your case, the two of you have been apart, and while due to logistical reasons, and both agreed upon, there has been NO aforementioned breakdown in communication, no deceit, no apathy previously exposed. Sure, you're drifting apart through distance and lack of day-to-day contact, but that is not a contributing factor to losing ones' "love", ones' spouse.

He's making a conscious decision to leave you with no valid reason what-so-ever, and THAT is the reason for his choice, as opposed to my wifes' mistake. My wife believed I didn't wish to fulfill her emotional needs, I did though. Your husband proceeds regardless of your wishes, and despite your obvious pleas, he still denies you access to his heart. He's sadly made his choice. ****** him.