Hello there,

first, let me introduce myself: Back in the days when I went through seperation an divorce, I used to post on these boards so I know about the concepts. Then I went underground a bit since there was nothing much to post about but I kept reading.
Now I feel ready to date again and was very glad that this forum was created for all of us who despite our best efforts to stay married find ourselves thrown back into the dating world again.

Since I have two kids and work FT, I decided that internet dating would be easiest for me. After a couple of dates with men who just weren´t all that, I finally met a man who seems to tick all my boxes.

Very high on my EN list is Conversation, and this man is a Conversation Champ, truly. We had been e-mailing for months before we first met, and I´m talking really looooong e-mails. Of course I was very nervous before we first met since I was afraid our connection in the internet would not survive in the real world.
Not so. We talked for hours and hours without akward silences. Not just deep stuff, but funny little things from our lives, too. We can laugh together which is so important. He gets my jokes. It was great. I feel appreciated and respected, there were no weird topics or questions. He felt the same as he told me in subsequent mails.

So, what´s the problem? There isn´t really any. I´m just not completely blown away by his physical appearance. Don´t get me wrong, I do find him attractive but not just to the point where my knees get weak.
I´m pretty confident, though, that attraction will get stronger when we meet more often and if he´s still good at meeting my very strong conversation need. BTW, my Attractive Partner need is rather moderate.

Do you have experienced anything similar? How did it turn out?

Thanks for letting me join you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nora

Hi Nora,

I have not experienced this yet, but I'm not experienced in dating either.

I'm trying to be honest and put myself in your situation, because physical appearance is important to me also. It helps when the deeper part of the relationship begins. However, if this guy is hitting so many of your needs, I think you may want to explore him as a possibility. My opinion, he would become more attractive if he continued and went beyond meeting your needs.

Continue meeting him and see if/how your feelings change concerning the physical. He may turn out to be very attractive to you! Or maybe not. Good luck!

Keep us updated.
Karona

Hi Go...,

I don't see this is a shallow desire on your part for good looks as much as I see your concern. I sense a concern that later if the relationship progresses you're worried you may look at him & say "ew" then feel shallow for wanting to feel attraction based on looks alone.

My experience has been that the nicer, more compassionate, & whatever does it for you, this person is the more there is to find attractive in his physical appearance. Just as the opposite is true for the people I find attractive initially.

I'll use the example of a good looking man who is unable to communicate & not as smart as I like. At first I'm able to overlook some lacks & attribute them to nerves. But as time goes on I start to see the lacks for what they are & see things in his appearance that make him unattractive to me. Maybe his cowlick which was kinda cute at first now just looks stupid sticking up. His smile now looks fake. His eyes are shallow because they don't look at me with interest. When his lack of conversational ability becomes apparent he seems unconcerned about the world around him & it shows in his face or the way he carries himself.

OK, I see I've said this the REALLY long way. But for me men with the attributes I truely find attractive, good conversationalist, compassionate, kind etc. have me finding the physical more attractive as time goes on. Maybe he has a sweet nose, or the way he holds himself when we talk does it. Look for it, it's there, just maybe not in the more traditional, obvious way.

I agree w/ K. The more you get to know him, the more attractive he may become to you, depending on how the relationship develops.

That's exactly how it was w/ my current ex-BF. When we met, he really wasn't my type looks wise (except he had an excellent physique), thought he was kinda cute, but no major bells went off. When we started talking, I realized we had alot in common and when he asked for my phone number, I was like, eh, why not? I was quite ambivalent. Our relationship progressed, he was wonderful, kind, considerate, and we fell in love. Well, lemme tell ya, he became the most wonderful, attractive, sexy man ever! So give it time and see how it goes. You never know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree with DW. The guy I've been seeing for 5 months (not getting into the current status of our relationship or non-relationship because it's not relevant to this post)--when I first met him in person, though he wasn't someone who turned me off, he also wasn't my normal "type", and there were no immediate physical bells and whistles. But because I enjoyed his company so much, and we got along so well, I wanted to continue to see him.

Like DW said, he went from being just "okay", to being someone I am very much attracted to physically! It didn't hurt that he's probably also the best kisser I've ever experienced--he knows how to be gentle and caring and soft and not overwhelming.

If you really like the guy, and everything else goes well, and he's not a total turn-off to you right now, I'm confident that you will find him more and more attractive as time passes.

LL

What LL said makes sense to me. Sometimes, when you don't faint dead away at the very sight of the man, after a couple of good make out sessions, you find yourself getting weak in the knees.

Thanks for your responses!

We only met once so far but have set up another date for Tuesday. He´s more than willing to work around my rather busy schedule - he doesn´t have kids - but doesn´t come across as needy or pushy, either.
We´ve communicated via e-mail daily and plan to talk on the phone tomorrow. We´ve sent each other little "nothing" texts, like "I´m leaving now for XY. Looking forward to reading your e-mail tonight."

I totally enjoy this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He has clearly expressed his interest in me but in a way I feel very comfortable with. I´m actually pretty flattered.

It seems like we have an agreement to take it slow and I feel no need to rush so he doesn´t get snatched away by somebody else since he´s not seeing anyone else. Me neither.

He´s smart, funny, likes the same things recreationally, and I feel completely at ease in his company. Safe.

He answers to my e-mails and texts within a reasonable time-frame so I don´t feel like having to wait for communication from him. He calls when he says he will - and don´t we love that?

And then the real biggie: The whole conversation thing.

That does sound like a really good thing, doesn´t it? And for physical attraction I can say I really like his lips and the little scar on his cheek. He smells good, has the right height and built. No, I´m not turned off by him at all. It´s just not that instant weak knees reaction.

As for kisses or even make out sessions - well, time will tell. I´m not opposed but it doesn´t have to be right here and now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was thinking that after all it´s a good thing I´m not instantly swept away lookswise (though I have to admit I am in the other areas) so I can focus on the features that don´t wear off so easily. As nams said, a cover model type guy can become rather unattractive after a while if the looks don´t come with the heart and brain.

Thanks a lot for your input.

I´ll keep you posted.

Nora

I will never understand the need for an physically attractive partner. There are so many other things that are necessary for me to be attracted. One of the loves of my life was very plain, but knocked my socks off in other areas.

I have a 24 year old son that only wants beautiful girlfriends. He always seems to get them too. But YIKES!!!!! the things he has been through with them. I tell him better to pick out a nice girl who may not be gorgeous but has other good qualities.

Well, if there is no instant chemistry and fireworks, I think you should dump him.

Of course, I am kidding. In reality, based upon what you have said, I think you should take the time to get to know him better. My #1 complaint with women I have met via Internet sites is that they want instant chemistry, fireworks on the first meeting, and so-on. This doesn't happen with all men, and often, when it does, the man is player or a BadBoy. Players and BadBoys are experts at causing these reactions with women.

I am glad to see you are not willing to stay in the shallow part of the pool. Of course, there are certain deal breakers and we have to face that fact. But, these are usualy extreme and obvious things such as being very overweight, much to short (you're 5'9" and he's 5'0"), or he looks to much like your ex!

Hi Go From Here

Welcome back.

Let me tell you that I could have written your post.

I, too, dated men I met online. A few of the men became online friends before I had a chance to meet them "for real" due to hectic schedules or distance. One man was a chat/phone buddy for a good month or more before we met face-to-face. He wasn't at all my type and I knew that from photos before I saw the real him. I didn't consider him to be physically attractive, but we could talk online, on the phone or across the table from each other ALL NIGHT. We always had something to say to each other. And when he finally kissed me, OH MY GOODNESS! I melted.

No man has ever kissed me better. Now don't go telling Hubby, because he can curl my toes, too, but I have to tell you that what they say is true. Ugly men try harder. Go for it girl!

(FYI, my less-than-attractive boyfriend and I only dated for two months. He turned out to have a nasty temper, but I'll always remember him to be the best-ever kisser.)


Mrs. W8ing

Even more input! Thanks a lot! I knew why I came back to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So the jury basically says: Keep seeing the guy, chances are good he´ll sweep you off your feet in a while.

W8ing, as for the kissing, well, that needs to be explored.
But what you said sure sounds good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I do have to say, he´s not ugly by any stretch of imagination, and I don´t really have a "type".
I guess I was just kind of worried since I missed the first encounter sparks and fireworks after we hit it off so well. As he fulfills my EN so well - well, those he CAN fulfill right now - I guess I kind of expected the sparks. When sparks were missing with men before, it usually had a different reason: getting mixed signals, feeling unsure about his intentions etc., the more "worry-worth" reasons.

Justin, I saw another post of yours on a different thread where you talked about women expecting instant chemistry in online dating and not having the patience to let it build. (I wonder, though, if there aren´t men out there with the same expectations.)
I´m not immune to that, either, but willing to wait for attraction to grow which might be quite realistic. After all, it won´t be six pack abs that will listen to me after a bad day.
But where do these expectations of instant chemistry come from? Hollywood? What do you think?

Nora

I have a friend who just celebrated her ninth anniversary. When I look at photos of her husband, I wonder how they ever got together. She's tall and beautiful and he's not quite attractive and heavy. But when I see the look in her eyes when she talks about him, just about everyday things, you know they are in love, just as they have been since they were married. Yes, he seems the same way.
He has been an excellent stepfather to her 4 children, and he is Dad to them, which probably makes him shine even more in her eyes.
This family is my role model for the next stage of my life. The children are well adjusted, and my girls adore knowing these teenagers who "survived" divorce.
So, my point. I think understanding the EN's helps us to prioritize what we want in our next relationship. Conversation is important to me too. And now after that need is met for you, you are movind down the list to AS.
I do think people can become more attractive (or less attractive to you over time).

My experience has been that the more I come to admire a woman for qualities other than the physical, the more physically attractive she becomes. I'm not terribly worried about a first physical impression which doesn't knock my socks off.

Then again, I have only been in one serious relationship in my life, and I thought she was cute right from the beginning. So what do I know? (Clarification: I thought she was cute, but I had known her slightly for a couple of months before I even thought about trying to get to know her better. I don't suppose I was really "blown away.")

Nora, I agree that often men have the same reaction - no strong instant chemistry and they are gone! I realize that each of us had some deal breakers. For me they are things like very short hair, vulgar behavior, too much makeup, low level of education, smoking, and extreme over weight. I know enough about myself to know that I will never find a woman with one or more of these factors attractive. However, I do believe that if we have common insterests it's worth investing some time and effort into a few dates to see where things go.

What continues to amaze me, is intelligent and accomplished women who think there must be some type of instant chemistry or it will never happen. This is fairy tale stuff, Hollywood movie stuff, not real life.

Oh, I´ll definetely make sure we have more dates. It´s just that it´s so different from what I used to feel back in the days when "Something-that-could-get-serious" began. But then again, I was a lot younger and a lot less wise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He keeps scoring Conversation Points. Called today exactly when he said he would and sent me a little e-mail later just to tell me Good Night.
It would make no sense at all to not take the chance to get to know him better.

Still, we can´t blame Hollywood for all our overblown expectations in instant chemistry. What else went wrong? I´d really like to know since I find it easier to solve a problem I understand the cause for - not that this specific situation of mine is actually such a big problem.
But it would have been, had I not known about EN.

Well GFH, this guy sounds like he's on the right track. Keep an open mind, be cautious, and see where it goes but most importantly, keep us posted on your progress! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Chemistry is related to all areas of attraction, not just the physical. Usually, the feeling of having your socks knocked off comes from the person's overall character, not just their physical appearance.

If you don't have an extremely high need for attractive spouse, I doubt this will be a problem. If he's meetnig your primary needs, your attraction will likely grow over time.