This is my first post here. I've been reading for a while now and wish I had found this site sooner than I did.

My H began an EA sometime in Jan of this year. It became a PA in Sept when he moved out. We talked about 3-4 weeks ago after I asked him if he was still involved with OW. He told me he wasn't. I asked many questions and he answered all. I know that what he was telling me was right on because I had facts that he did not know I knew.

For the last few weeks we have been spending time together alone (going to the mall and x-mas tree shopping) and as a family (we have to boys 14 & 15). He says he doesn't want to move back home; wants to give it some time; things need to change. I've read SAA and HNHN and am trying to follow what it says. H is reading HNHN after I gave it to him with a note.

My question is: do I call him to chat and make plans to get together or wait for him to call me? I don't want to seem pushy and make him back away. He did call me last week at work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> just to talk for a few minutes which he never did in the past. I want to move forward and not back. It seems that he likes the way things are now. He hasn't said he wants reconciliation although when we talk he talks about things in the future. I don't know what to make of all of this.

I'd love some feedback. Thanks

Why are you so sure the affair has ended? He sounds like a man who has one foot in his marriage and one foot in an affair and wants to give up neither.

What was his main complaint about your marriage?

p.s. who is this OW and has the affair been exposed?

My reason for thinking he is no longer seeing OW is that now that fall sports have begun, he is taking and bringing sons to and from practice, going to games, and we have been doing things together, talking on the phone, and IMing each other in the evening. I don't know if he is still talking to her, but I am in the process of finding out as I know someone who works with her and when this first began he used to call her at work. Everyone at her place of employment knows since I told my friend. Things spread like wildfire. My H's parents know, our Pastor knows, and some of my friends know. My friends tell me to move on and let him go. I don't want to. As for the OW I don't know any of her family and wouldn't know how to contact. My H told me OW daughter didn't approve after I asked him about it. He spilled his guts and answered everything I asked. I think he was very embarrassed. He will not attend church with me anymore. The only thing my church family knows is that he moved out but not why.

As to why he left, H said that he didn't love me and never did (I didn't twist his arm to get married); I was very negative about everything, nagged the kids too much and wasn't a good housekeeper and he just couldn't take it anymore. I'm really trying hard to change all of this.

He just seemed to draw further away and the more I tried to find out what was bothering him, the further he moved away emotionally with everything. Even the kids. It was just like he wasn't interested anymore. Because of the way I was feeling (rejected) I nitpicked everything. I see that now but wish I had seen that sooner. It really bothered him. He is definitely a conflict avoider.

He once said to me that things needed to change before he moved back in. But how can he see change if he's not here?? He needs to change too but that has to come from him.

It sounds very promising to me. But please keep making the changes you need to make. Use this time to get the house cleaned up. Check out flylady.com on the net. She has a good plan to get the housework under control. Don't sign up for the email, or you will get constant emails with tasks to do.

Your husband is behaving very typically - the whole thing about never loving you is to assuage his guilt.

One thing that you need to be careful about is letting him dictate the terms for coming back. The only way he should is when there is confirmed no contact with the OW, and a plan to recover the marriage.

I would not call him at all. You can tell him that you are not the warden, and the jail door is open.

When you do talk to him, be happy and pleasant. Pretend to yourself that you are moving on without him. Do things that will increase your self-esteem, which is probably in the toilet.

Actually, my self-esteem has been pretty good considering all that has happened. I feel pretty good about myself and what I have accomplished since my H moved out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I used to think it was all my fault for him leaving and blamed myself but I have come to realize that it wasn't only just me; he was partly to blame. He never opened up to tell me what was bothering him and we never discussed it. Little by little he is opening up and issues we hadn't discussed are coming to light. When I tried to discuss things in the past I think I approached it in a negative way and he felt he was being attacked. It's different now. I am happy and pleasant when we are together which is a big difference over the last year or so. I am changing to become a better person.

How do I confirm for a fact that he is no longer seeing OW?? I know that he can't be in contact with her when he moves back (I pray for this everyday). The day before he abruptly left I asked him to send the OW a letter telling her that there would be no more contact and he emphatically said no and moved out the next day. However, a couple of weeks ago, he said maybe I will send her a letter. Does that mean he might still be in contact with her, if only by phone? As far as I know he hasn't sent it. I would want to read it and send it out myself. Should I mention it again and if I do, how do I do it without LBing? I'm afraid that if he happens to see her again somewhere it might start again. My gut feeling is that it is over just as my gut feeling was that there was something going on earlier this year (does this make sense?).

Just keep doing what you are doing. It takes time. Don't mention the NC letter until he wants to move in and work on the marriage.