I discovered my H's affair which he has been having from earlier this year. Its driving me crazy that he does not admit to it and on top of that he completely ignores everything i ask him about the details regarding the A.

We use to live in another city and the OW is a co-worker. I did not suspect when we were in that city but when we came here, he started looking for reasons to back to that city and spend weekends without me. Then i got suspicious and after 3 long months i found his cell phone bill and their were calls at odd hours to this number.

He tells me he has been working on a project. I think they are talking to each other daily while he is at work. Because they still work for the same company only different cities which are about 3 hrs apart.

Can anybody please tell me how to calm myself and not have angry outbursts because no matter what i say, its of no response to him.

I would honestly apprecaite, if somebody could give me some advice on how to react to him, i feel like banging my head on a dead wall.

Hello alwayshurt,

Welcome to Marriegebuilders. I think you will find much insight here. The people are wonderful. Have you read up on the principles of marriagebuilders on this site?
Your H is definitely in the "fog" stage.
Have you exposed the A to anyone? Is the A the reason you moved to a new city?

Hi Suzy,

Thanks. I have spoken to my parents but they live backhome so cannot do anything much other than call me as often as they can.

No, we moved here because my H got an assignment in another dept with the company. What hurts me more is that it was happening right under my nose and i could not suspect it. My H was doing a lot of multitasking and running around doing errands over the summer. It was more because we had our first baby and my in-laws were visiting us to help with the baby. He took advantage of my being busy with baby + the visit of my inlaws and finally the move to new city. He joined almost 5 weeks before i joined him in the new city. So he was in the new city and came home for weekends. And he showed as if he was doing so much on the weekends that i could not make sense of anything.

I feel like such an idiot!!!

I have read through quite a bit but did not go through the "FOG" thing. Where can i find that? I did read the rules for BS though....

Thanks for all the help.

Welcome. Sorry you have to be here.
You are on the right track in sensing that you musn't get angry/ blow-up and LB...hardly makes WS want to stay in M, right?

I have listed a couple of things to keep in mind, though hopefully you'll hear more from the experts (BS) (I am a FWS). But first and most importantly, can you afford counseling with Steve Harley or Jennifer? If yes, call MONDAY!!


1. READ ABOUT PLAN A and IMPLEMENT

2. READ ABOUT and BEGIN PLANNING EXPOSURE.

3. REMEMBER--you don't have to PROVE to him that he is having an A. He already knows. Just feel confident in showing him that you know and don't go into details about WHAT you know. Just be loving and indicate you know and have no intention of sharing your family with another woman. (You calmness and lovingness with THROW HIM completely!!) Learn about reverse babble--look for Orchids signature.

Finally, post your story (summary of relationship history) so others have a background reference, it may help.

P.S. As to "fog" it is a term used to describe WS brain and point of view while involved in the A. In essence, their principles/ fundamental frames of reference as so mixed up for the moment that they aren't thinking straight and say/do lots of nonsensical things. From what I can tell from reading about other BSs on this board: YOU NEED TO BE STRONG, FOCUSED ON YOUR VALUES AND CALM--ARMED WITH A PLAN!

Courage to you.

What you've experienced is quite common. The old "you aren't really seeing what you think you see..." issue. My xh had convinced me that I was almost going mad. That he was NOT having an affair. He was an accomplished salesman though.

You're in good company here. We are normal (for the most part) people...who never found or thought we'd end up here. Or that our spouses could ever do this. Learn as much as you can. Get book SAA. Read all principles. And yes, become a master at plan A.

Find link to "carrot and stick of plan A"...it's really good. Wish I had had it when I went thru this a few years back.

And I also share something in common. My xh went thru the transformation into a wayward when my ds was very small...and we also had moved to a new city. Two very stressful events in themselves period.

Plan A your heart out girl...and also expose. Before doing it, check phone records, email, cell, etc. Confirm as much as you can about who the ow is...most likely as you suspect, she's a coworker.

Take strength from knowing that people come out of this and most marriages do survive. It depends now on the actions of you however...to help influence the WS to decide to become a participant (positive one) in the M again though. Realize that you can't change anybody, but you can improve yourself, and possibly thru your actions, encourage the WS to take himself some actions to stop his destructive behaviors. And put the WS on mute...listen to his actions.

Read all you can.

Take heart. Friends are here!

Thanks everyone.

Just had a talk with H (its like hitting a dead end). He says he is himself going to call his parents and my parents and let them know of the situation and then we are going to get seperated. He says, he does not care what name we give to our seperation. Its infidelity or incompatability????

As per him i have two choices, either i pack my bags and leave or if i want to stay then i should just keep my mouth shut. Not ask him any questions. Do not ask him when, why or how. Do not ask him where does his cellphone bill or credit card bill goes?

The OP is a coworker. She is a single woman who lives by herself. In my five years of marraige i have cought them together one way or the other, i guess about six times. Every time he tells me that he is friends with her. How can you be friends with somebody for 5 years while your wife is opposed to your friendship.

I also found uot he sent her flowers for Thanksgiving. And then another bouqet of roses. Howcome, i who had his baby did not get anything and the so called "Friend" gets all nice things.

why???? Where is God and where is justice???? Where is logic and sense? Where is trust, loyalty, care and affection? A devil has taken over my husband.

Sometimes i feel that i have wasted five years in being faithful and working towards our marraige. Do i want to waste another five years and be at the same point?

I think I would do the "tough love" thing that Dobson advocates. Tell him you are NOT the warden and he is free to move out.

The BS should never be the one to leave.

And I would expose to his parents and let them know that you want to save your marriage.

I agree with believer. Don't leave yourself. Do the tough love thing. Your greatest weapon is exposure - use it. Don't wait for him t paint a rosy picture with parents. Expose yourself. Expose to his employer. As well as doing plan A, you have to break up the affair and exposure is the best way to do that.

So sorry you are here.

I take it you don't **KNOW FOR SURE** he is having an affair? Strong suspicions, but don't know for sure?

I would NOT "expose" unless you know absolutely positively he's having an affair. In a lot of cases cellphone bills, flowers, etc are pretty proof-postive. I think it's enough for you do so *something*, but not enough for you to expose. While I'm not usually one for spending the cash on a PI, I would suggest it for you since you're dealing with somone in another city.

Except for exposure, i would assume he's having an affair and either come up with a plan for saving your marriage or decide if you want the marriage.

again, very sorry you're here.

Yes, i know for sure he is having an A. Its just that he will never admit it. He is such an egoist that he will never admit doing anything wrong ever. What to talk about admitting to an A.

In Sept he went to our home-city. He gave me some silly reason for his visit. We have three sets of family houses where he could have stayed but he said he did not want to bother the family so he has booked a motel. I said fine. And asked him for the motel's hone number. Which after much persuation he gave me. When he gave me the phone number i was relieved and i decided not to call. He called me at 2.30 in the night to check if all was fine with me and the baby (he has never called or asked how i was doing in middle of night before). So i got suspicious and i called back at the motel number at 3.30 until 7 in the morning. Their was no response. I knew it then.

For the past two years he always insisted that if i want to get in touch with him then i should either email him at work or should call him on his cellphone. I do not want to offend him so i did as he asked. That night in Sept was after a long time that i called him on a land line.

When he came home the next night, we fought and he said he wanted a divorce. I kept my cool and i started observing him more. I saw him obsessed with his cellphone.

In Oct we had to make a visit to our home city for a family function. A day earlier he took a half day and he said he just wants to take our daughter out so he went out. I was doubtful, he went shopping. So the morning we had to leave, i went to the car to put my bag while he was taking a shower. And in the boot i found candles and Godiva choclates packed in a blanket. I took them out and put them on the front seat. Their was also a gift hidden which i let it be there.

I saw he was upset but he showed as if he brought those for home. While we were in the home-city i did not let him out of my sight.

I did not ask him about the gift. Anyway after about 10 days when i got a chance to check his car again i saw that the gift was a very expensive sweater and underneath it was a peice of laungerie.

Again i hid it back and after a day or two i asked him about it and he again said it was for me. It was not my size. But he knew i was getting close.

Then in November i got the car's oil changed one Friday. And then the weekend came. On Monday i called him at work and he was not picking his phone. I called one of his collegues and he said that he called in sick this morning. I knew he had gone to the home-city. And i was right because when he came i saw the mileage and it had 500 miles extra on it since the Friday. And we hardly would have driven 10 miles over the weekend. Again he said, they noted wrong reading on Friday when they did Oil change.

Everyone is wrong, other than him. he is never wrong. Finally In Dec, i got his cellphone bill and i had to open. I got the number he was calling and sending text messages as 4am in the morning.

My doubt confirmed that it was the same co-worker. Now i knew who the enemy is. They have a notorious history of being together.

So yes i know he has an A.

I tried talking to the OW but she will not talk to me.

he said that he was going to call the parents but he ahs not done so yet. I am waiting for him to take the action. I want to see what he says. Because i am so confused, sad and unhappy that i just keep talking without making any sense. I know his family is like him and would never believe that their son is wrong. So i am not very enthusiastic about talking to them.

Remember, An apple never falls away from the tree and Blood is thicker than water!!!!!

Get in first. YOU do the exposure, not him. Don't leave it to him to play out. Expose, Expose, Expose.

Thanks big,

What does F mean before Betrayed Husband?

Is their any list which gives details of acronyms?

Always... here is the link to the acronyms....

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Former. Ladysheep gave you the link to the list. Unfortunately before long you will speak this new language like a native.

AlwaysHurt,

Vui russkie?

-AD