I am a wreck. This whole thing keeps getting worse. This emotional affair has gone on too long, destroyed too much of me. And yesterday he springs it on me that he needs to go see her. SO he got on plane this morning. I am devastated. He told me he needs to deal with this, this is his trip and not to bother him. He will not take my calls and is not going to keep me posted as to what is happening. It's between him and God. He told me that if I wanted him to come home to him having processed all the complex emotions, I needed to let him go. He returns on Tuesday - and I don't know how I am going to get through this. He hasn't seen her in 6 years (and even then they were only just introduced). It has been an on again, off again thing and the fourth time he has put me through this. Although he has never seen her til this point.

He has gone no contact three times, and isn't sure what the outcome will be this time. He promised to go back to marriage counseling and work on our relationship. I'll be calling tomorrow and making an appointment. But this is all doing a number on my fragile emotional state. He told me on the phone this morning that it was my job to get through this. He didn't really care how I managed these next few days or how hurt I was - this was his time and I need to let him go.

What do I do.

Welcome to MB it is a great site for the support you will need. Sorry you are here and alot of people here can help you. It is a little slow here on wkends. A little back ground please. How long M, any children, how long with OW?

I am 42, we have been married 19.5 years (were planning a big trip to celebrate 20 years in the spring). DH met OW 6 years ago on an alumni choral trip to Germany. I could not go as I was Pregnant with twins (by the way - I lost one of them while he was gone). He has had casual, friendly contact for about 3 years with her and then 4 years ago, we went through an exceptionally rough patch and the friendship turned more personal. Up until now, it has been purely emotional - emails, phone, etc. He has gone no contact with her three times, each for about a year, and then something happens, he gets unhappy and he contacts her again. Found out last weekend she was back, got angry, tried to stand up for myself, told him to leave, he said he would and things have been getting worse.

Yesterday as we were talking he was so sad, so hurt I asked what I could do to help him. He blurted out - go to Birmingham to see her. I didn't have a choice at this point, he was going to leave either way. He agreed to see her, process the emotions and then come home and go to counseling with me to work on our relationship. I am a wreck - I don't know how I am going to get through this. He asked me not to call him, this was his trip, his time, and if I call he'll only come home angry. I feel like I have no option here.

I have three children 15, 10, and 8 and they don't know where he is at this point. He left while they were asleep. He will be calling in about an hour on a layover to talk to them. How can he do this to US.

Marriage counseling will likely be a big waste of time as long as she is in the picture.

Please read all of the information here. Plan A is the starting point. That means not having angry outbursts or making disrespectful judgement.

Since the affair has gone on so long, it seems to me that he has no intention of leaving you. He intends to eat cake, and have you both.

As far as how he can do this to you and your family, he is like an addict seeking his drug of choice. He will be willing to do anything for it.

Stick with us, and keep reading and posting here until you get stronger.

Seems to me they are finally ready to take the affair to the next level.



My FWW did the same thing. A promise that she needed a couple weeks by herself. That she would just see OM as friends and put their inappropriate long distance phone, email, text message relationship behind them once and for all. It's a flat out lie. I am so sorry but he is likely going to test drive this other relationship and take it to the Physical Affair level. The worst part is he manipulated you into agreeing to it.

Read up here. Your marriage is not over. We can help. But do not delude yourself any longer. He will likely come back deeper in this mess than when he left and you are going to have to be the one to save your marriage.

I'd start an exposure plan right now. Before he comes back his parents should know and if possible OW(Other Woman's) parents should know. I'd hold off on telling the children right now.

Welcome to MB, we'll help you through this.

Mr. Wondering

This is a PERFECT situation for a Plan A *flash* followed by a very swift kick in the rear with Plan B.

DO NOT PLAN A longer than 3-4 weeks once he returns.

You have been Plan A-ing for a long time already.

Your H needs to deal with his emotions KNOWING that he will be soon living apart from his family.... that is only fair to him ... do not lead your husband to believe that you will tolerate more than 4 years of his only having one foot in the marriage and the other out the door.

Plan A your socks off for about a month after he returns ... then Blast a Plan B up his [censored]!

Read my link ... his affair needs to be EXPOSED NOW ... parents/friends/family .... and your kids.

If OW is married ... her husband (or boyfriend if you can get that info) needs to be EXPOSURE # 1 .... today if possible.

This affair will KILL your family. Go after this affair as if it were poison your H has in his mouth ... it will get worse with any wobbly inability to act on your part.

I am so sorry you are going through this I would be nuts! I think I take a little different approach them some of hte other old timers. I believed that the fight for my M was almost a life or death thing. I don't think I could have let him get on that plane..I would have probably followed him but I know I would be in the minority on that type of extreme action.

Please tell us more. Do you know the OW, have you ever spoken to her, is she M, is this strictly an EA or did they have SF when he met her 6 years ago, are you sure they've never met in person again over the past 6 years?

Have you read any of the A books, all the materials on this site? Have you exposed the A? Do your children know? What are you and your H going to tell your children about where he's at and what's happening? They are going to see that you are a wreck..you can't hide this from kids their ages.

What type of H and person is your H normally? What type of M do you have.

Sorry for all the questions but the more background we have the more help we can be.

Do you have a friend or relative that can stay with you the next few days? You need help and distractions to make it through the next few days!

LIsten to these fine people. Because they are a heck of a lot kinder than I would be to your WH.

My FWH would have found the locks changed and his clothes outside when he came back home.

Pepperband -

in answer to your questions - yes - I have meat and spoken to the other woman. Matter of fact spoke to her this morning as she is driving to meet my DH. He came home last week when I was talking to her and said out loud so both could hear - he wasn't sure who was crazier, me for calling her or her for taking my calls. In a sick way - she and I can talk.

Our marriage has not always been perfect. We spent the first 10 years just trying to figure out what a marriage was suppose to be and having children. The last 10 have been the most difficult, growing children, busy jobs, poor family (his) relationships, a job he hates. Combine that with my "mid-life" crisis of 4 years ago that involved an EA and a one night stand with an old boyfriend, and the true beginnings of the EA between him and the OW. We have had a tough go. We have incredibly good times - this last year which I thought was finally a good lasting recovery-were the best of our married lives. We learned how to laugh, share new hobbies (including a new motorcycle!), we travelled together, and were planning our 20th wedding anniversary trip next spring. About a month ago, something started to change. We were both busier again, DH putting longer hours at the office, me coming home later than I would have liked from the clinic. A few of our Friday night dates had to get postponed, and I started to feel that something was not right. But we had agreed in counseling last year that the past would stay in our past - we agreed to not talk about it anymore. And so I didn't want to ask, question, afraid that I would break the promise to stop talking about the past. Last week I found the proof I needed to say that yes - she was back. At that point I called her DH (yes she's married - 23 years to a minister!)
and told him what was going on. He didn't believe me - but they did talk about it (DH told me that). Anyway - my DH threatened me that if I called and told her DH that they were meeting he would divoce me quicker that a heart beat and there would be no counseling. He said he wanted to be sure that she had a home to go back to and health insurance (which she deperately needs becasue of significant health issues). SO I am torn.

DO I call her DH and take what comes - or do I wait it out, have him come home and get back into counseling.

Flat out manipulation. It is a lie to shut you up. Call his bluff and call OWH. You are much more likely to lose him to a continuing, ever-deepening affair, than to your husband's anger over calling OWH!!!!!

The part about her needing health insurance is good. In the end, with MB help, it is probably going to be the OW that ends thing with your husband. Either way, its all good. You need to attack the affair from both sides...pull your husband out of this addiction and then see what you got.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Call her H TODAY and alert him to the fact that your H is coming there to screw his wife and revive their affair. Then call up your H's family, close friends and your family and expose the affair.

Your H is threatening divorce in order to manipulate you into silence. He knows that exposure will ruin his affair and does not want to be busted. But that is not what will lead to divorce. What WILL lead to D is the affair, not exposing an affair.

Your exposure will be ruinous to their affair and if you want to save your marriage, you must do everything in your power to ruin the affair.

CALL her husband you are crazy not to expose this affair. He is jsut trying to shut you up so things go his way....he is not rational he is being a selfish child right now. You need to take actoin or my dear he isn't coming back home to his family. your husband the man you love will die and a very evil being will take his place if you don't put in action these things to stop this affair. Call her husband...call his family...expose...expose...expose.

Call her husband. Now is the time to do it while she is with your husband. Please take action and don't be afraid - your marriage and family is being threatened.

CALL her husband !!!

do it NOW!

this is marital terrorism

don't stand for it

Most WH say this. It's outright manipulation, which he is already doing to you by getting you to agree to his leaving! Since he's so damn concerned about OW's health insurance why would he even jeapardize it by having an A with her?! It's a big pile of steaming bullsh*t.

Call OWH now. Do not delay! Do you want to save your marriage, or save their affair?

May I secomd? Or third? Fourth?

CALL HER H!!!

Please.

As I read your thread, I am getting tachycardic because I feel as though I am reading my own situation from about 2 years ago ( don't they say all As are really the same?)

Picture this:

My FWH (WH at the time) in a hotel room with the ow (no capitals, they dont deserve them). ow's cell phone rings. It is her BH. He confronts her. She denies. He, using another phone dials my H's cell phone, She - and my H - hear his phone ringing. Busted. Her BH threatens to call 'me', if the A does not stop right there. She placates him. Threatens to D if he calls me. Did he call me? NO. Did the A stop? NO.

This s**t went on for another 6 horrific months. Until I found out. The withdrawal was worse for it. Nothing good came from ow's h's attempts to fix his M while C was going on.

You are right. The A is wrong. The Ow's H has a RIGHT to know his WW is unfaithful. He has a RIGHT to decide how to live his life, correct his mistakes, etc.

CALL HIM. Will your H be upset? Yes. How upset will you be when you find out the A is continuing?