Hi everyone. I have been lurking this site for a few years now. Reading, buying books, CD's...the works. There are so many post and personal experiences that I have been able to relate to. Thk you for all the words of wisdom and the pain and successes everyone has shared. It takes guts to admit, accept, express, feel the pain and keep enduring to the end. Thk you for sharing your inner most feelings.

My H told me Tuesday that he did care about me or love me. It was like everything was said and played in slow motion. He tried to tell me he cared but he couldn't. It was painful to watch how he mouthed the words but no sound came out. When finally asked by me if he did care he said, No. When asked if he loved me, he said No. When asked if he loved me, he didn't answer at first then he said no. I asked how long he has felt that way and he couldn't answer me but he never can answers me when it comes to emotions.

We've been married for almost 16 years. This is my second marriage and his first. I have a child from my first marriage and WE have one together. He adopted my first child.

I have played over and over and over in my mind when his love for me changed I truly don't know if he really did love me. He never has been the gift giver, called or caring, intimate nor sexual, speaking type of person. I've never heard the words, "I love you," during sex. I call it sex because it has never felt like love making. I don't remember him lovingly or playfully touching me outside of bed with the exception of either a pat on the shoulders or a hug every once in a while. He has never planned a husband and wife weekend getaway, and money is NOT an issue. I bet I have paid and planned for over 10. BUT…..he does come home at night….and I don’t think he sneaks out……and he plays on the computer.

Honestly, I don't know much about him. I don't see how you could be married for 16 years and not know your partner but it is so true. The few things I know about him. He likes the computer, he does care about what others think of him, he doesn't like confrontation, he doesn't like Christmas, he does not believe in God nor does he have a spiritual side, he reads computer books, loves TV sitcom’s like the Bundies, Simpson, Becker, loves to tell jokes, doesn't have any close friends, takes a lot of vitamins, his parents divorced when he was young, one brother died of AIDS and the other is gay. He is very analytical. He doesn't share his feelings. I have seen him cry during a movie and over his younger daughter. He hides his money and his credit cards and has been doing so FOREVER. He never has shared with me anything. If the man died today I would not have a clue where or what he has. He doesn't know me either because he doesn't like to take the time to talk to me no matter how hard I try.

IF YOU WANT A BELLY LAUGH, we are both business professionals. I own a company and he manages a company. It is such a sick story it makes me sicker to see myself living in the past and not doing something now about the future no matter how bad it is going to hurt. I wish it didn't hurt. This man has been nothing but mean BUT for some stupid reason I am in love with being married and believe it to be permanent until now. He just doesn't love me and if he doesn't care about me then I will not get in his way nor try to change his mind. I don't want someone to love me because they feel they should.

I’ve been sick in the head for years. Why and now where do I gather the strength to crush the dream of keeping the family in tack when it has never truly been in tack? How do I pick up the pieces? I feel so sick inside.
Sick to my stomach.

Don't feel you are the only one who has been through this. You are in the right place.

The trick now is to see yourself and to work on yourself. For no other reason than to be the best you that is possible. And to not fall apart because you have two children who are watching.

If you read about Plan A and choose to do a Plan A, remember that it is not all about winning back your spouse. It is about being a better you.

I have a question. Why is it he is being nice to me now. I don't understand it. I get it. I realize he doesn't love or care about me. I understand that divorce is the only way. He is taking the time to talk to me. He never talks to me. He doesn't even like to be in the same room but for the last few days he comes and sits by me. He even touched my arm. What is up with that. He acts as if nothing happened, he didn't say what he said and all I can do is withdrawal more. I asked him what he was doing? Why he was trying to act like he wanted to talk to me when he never has before. He said he was trying but I was cold. Yeck yeah I'm cold...excuse me...I don't turn off and on like a light switch. He meant what he said and I felt it. I know he feels that way. Why is he now being nice. He even bought me a CD and chocolate and placed it in a gift bag. He has never given me a gift bag or a gift outside of christmas or maybe birthday. I don't get what is going on now. Is he sick or something? Has he lost his mind?

I got the "don't love you" speech July 3, 1998. My STBXH was in an EA with another woman.

I knew about their "friendship" and immediately zeroed in on it because it was my take on the whole thing that he had become way too over his head emotionally with her. Nope. Deny, deny, deny.

Long story short, we will be div. soon.

Are you absolutely, positively, 100% sure there is no one else that he's keeping secret from you? Most of the time, there is.

Why is he being nice now? Guilt. There's a book called "The Script." It's about the patterns and the phrases and actions that spouses who have a cutie on the side use when getting ready to cut out.

He never buys gifts? That's one of the clues. A guilt offering just before they leave.

He hides his money? He's secretive and always has been? Excellent cover for affairs. Plan A honey but hide your assets, and start digging into his accounts. He's sitting on the fence, cake eating, and to repeat, I'll bet he's got someone waiting in the wings.

Ouch! That stings. I've actually wondered myself if he is having an affair. Not because I have caught him doing anything. Because he is so secretive, he does hide his money, he has multiple accounts, he takes out large sums of money at a time but tells me he is using it on lunches, gas ect.... I just don't know when he would have the time.

He has passwords on everything, he sends his mail either to his office or a post office box which I would know nothing about. There are two items that he is going to have with him at all times no matter what happens in his life, his briefcase and crap like receipts and withdrawals from accounts.

He doesn't and hasn't wanted to have sex for over 15 years. I'm the one who initiates sex BUT NOT ANY MORE. The last year he hasn't been able to fulfill his part.

He treats me good in front of others but totally ignores me when we are together. He NEVER asks me out. I can't even remember when we went out on any type of date unless it was an invitation to some event. For example, there is a Christmas party tonight. Both of us are members of this organization. He didn't mention it until about 2 days ago in which he informed me that he was going and asked if I was going...he is going and I'm not. It is not a big loss. I don't want to be with him now anyway. I can't take it when he acts like he cares about me in public when he doesn't.

You know what I hate the most is that he pats me on my shoulder when says good bye.

Thank you for telling me about the book, The Script, I will go buy it. I don't know what good it will do for me except I'll most likely read what I hear all the time.

I'm sorry for being negative. I just can't seem to pick myself up and go. I know I need to. It's hard though.

Thanks for responding. As you can see there are not many responses that I have received and I feel at a loss.

When they start living independent lives, they already have one foot out the door. Not saying it is hopeless, just saying have all the info you can get, the info about his secret accounts & passwords (maybe somebody on the Boards is a geek and can figure out how to break his codes for you) and you can find a P.I. to learn about where he goes, what he spends, who he sees.

If he is seeing another woman, part of Plan A is exposure if you want to save your marriage.

I did not expose. I don't want to now. It's been too many years and I don't want him back. If you want to fight for your marriage, follow the Harley Plan. Read everything you can on the Boards.

And it's time for you to start stashing money away in an emergency fund, telling no one, just in case.

2 things jump out at me... and please forgive me if I sound cold and analytical - I don't mean to trivialize ANY of what you're going through, because I feel your pain accutely... but here goes...

1) He likes to play on the computer... could he be having an EA? My H had an EA for 2 1/2 years and it was over for 6 months before I found out - and I never had a clue. The marriage was in trouble - we were even in MC and he would sit there all high and mighty like I was the one with the problem, and all that time HE was cheating on me. I didn't even know what the Internet was back then...

2) His siblings are gay - could he be gay too? If he has no interest in sex and seems to be leading a "double life" could he be in the closet? I have a couple of friends whose spouses left them for same-sex partners - a man whose wife left him for another woman, and a woman whose husband left her for another man. Homosexuality is believed by many to have genetic origins - it's just something to ponder.

It would explain a lot if he had married to protect his "secret"...

It's hard to believe that he doesn't love you at all - you can't spend all those years with someone and not feel anything - but perhaps his "way" of loving you isn't what either of you need.

I'm sorry for what you're going through - I'm in a bad way myself right now, and I'm weeping right along with you.

I'd certainly do some digging - there's a bit too much mystery to your H and I think you deserve some answers.

Hugs,

H2U

I got the "I don't love you and I want a divorce."...It hurt, but when I read yours and how his expression was so cold and emotionless... Just like me. There was not a tear in his eye...still isn't.

He moved in with OW 6 days later...

It will get better but don't stay together just for the kids. My 15 yr said to me, "mom, he didn't treat you right, and you deserve better." Ouch... Obviously my children have been watching for a while...

Take care...let the tears flow too, it is okay that the kids see you cry... and move on.