You can read my full story in “Am I in recovery” but basically after 16 years of marriage (24 years together) my WW had an EA which was denied to me in July but came out in the open in late August when the OMW found out. He left his W, persued my WW for 6 weeks without success with several Emails and a NC letter being set and ignored, and (I am repeatedly told) there has been NC since 12th October (my WW birthday)

However despite saying all along to him she would never leave him, she is pining badly for him. She returns all affection given but there is no SF and have had enough of her bodily presence with her heart clearly elsewhere in essence not really recovery

I have told her to go to him and burn the A out or make it work with him but she says she doesn’t want this

So today I offered to Email the OM with a view to meeting him and setting ground rules for continued but PLATONIC contact, but she thinks I am testing her (I have “tested” previously) which I am

I drafted an Email to the OM which said “We have been attempting to recover with little success and things are clearly getting no better between us as XX misses you terribly” I asked my WWW to look at this and she said that was about the crux of it

I know this is a dangerous game to play but 5 months on with 9 weeks NC, I really have had enough of being emotional second best. I cannot carry on as we are and could not live with renewed contact but I am not sure if she is calling my own bluff to test me back

My BIG question is how do I handle this game of double jeopardy, because if she takes this offer up I will definitely walk away.

If you want your marriage, then you know the answer.

Somebody has to be the grownup here. Right now, she is in withdrawal and is not capable of behaving like a grownup, so that leaves you. If you are going to descend to her level and start playing the same kind of games, then you may as well just go to Plan D now.

Try spending your time doing positive things for her and your marriage. Absolutely you should check up on her for your own peace of mind, but you need positive investments too -- not just negative ones like setting her up and waiting for her to fail.

I sympathize with your pain and frustration, but remember, if this was easy everyone would do it -- and most people don't. Most people just call their attorney and that's the end of it. I would strongly advise you to go to Plan B before resorting to tricks and traps.

If you want your marriage, then do the POSITIVE things outlined on this site than can help get it back.

If you don't want the marriage -- and that's okay too, no one would blame you -- then do the right thing and quietly set Plan D in motion.

Just please don't fall into the muck that lies between those two choices.

Just my .02.
Mulan

Thanks Mulan but the limbo at the moment is crucifying me to the point of big LBs yesterday, I’ve tried being as positive/nice to the point of being a total dooormat since mid July but I just get the “Im here not there with him” answer and picking up on every slight negative nuance I give off

How do you move forward?

How does plan B come into play when there is NC?

Is it a case of just put up with a neverending withdrawal or shut up of D?

Begin thinking with your mind, and not your heart. Continued contact means at least an EA will continue, and will probably return to a full blown PA. Are you willing to risk this? IMHO the risk is far greater than the reward.

A woman's heart is a fickle thing during these times. She has given her heart to another and does not want to face up to the fact it was wrong. Many women believe the heart does not lie, and they listen more closely to their heart than their mind. Harley describes that Withdrawal takes at least 6 weeks. I think he's underestimated that, especially for women. Withdrawal from the OM can take months, at least my W's certainly did.

So what to do? Restore as much normalcy in your house as possible. Continue in Plan A mode, with your Giver in full battle array and your Taker safely locked up in a closet. This is what it takes. Try to distance yourself a bit from the emotions that drive your anger and frustration. Step outside your "normal" body, and disattach from your W just a bit. Don't let your state of mind be dictated by her actions or emotions or words. Be in charge of your own happiness and well being. Make every day an new chance to view life in a positive manner, and do all your normal daily routines in an upbeat and positive manner.

You and your wife simply have to begin reconnecting. When she entered into the affair, she totally disconnected from you. You no longer mattered to her. You have to return to those things that drew you two together when you were courting. Romance your wife, but not with intensity. Leave a note or card laying around, telling her you believe in her, that she's beautiful, whatever. Bring a single long stemmed rose to her every couple of weeks. Take her to her favorite restaurants and buy her favorite wines for her. Rent her favorite movie and leave it on the counter top. Remind her how will you KNOW her and that you love every nuance about her. All of this in a subtle manner, because if you "overdo", it will push her away.

Dress up a notch, and evaluate those things that you did to romance her when you first met, and see if those things have faded. Bring them back to the forefront. All of this takes a bit of acting, but it can be really effective.

A word of caution, though. All of this takes time, and it goes according to it's own schedule. It is painstakingly slow for the BS during this time. Don't get "overjoyed" with bits of progress, but take them in stride. Progress should be measured in months, not hours or days. It's a difficult an uncharted path to take.

One last tip. Listen closely every time your W speaks, as she may begin providing clues as to how the OM met some of her needs, and you can "take his place" in doing so. With women, it is often no more complicated than conversation, and validation of feelings, but my W would blurt out things completly unexpected, that would help me do things that would help her find her "way back" to the marriage.

Time and patience. Those are your best friends. Give this three months and see if things aren't remarkably better. Lastly, be vigilant for continued contact, as each time it occurs, it set your W back to square one in "recovery".

Best wishes,
SD

You are playing serious games with your marriage by offering to allow her to have "platonic relationship" with her OM. Would you allow a recovering alcoholic to have "platonic" drinks in order to recover? Do you imagine that an alcholic could ever recover by having "platonic" drinks?

She will never ever get over this affair until all contact is ended. You should never ever tolerate any contact whatsoever. If she insists on continuing contact, then you should expose her affair and then move to Plan B. But to give your approval for a "platonic" relationship, which is impossible, is suicide for your marriage, I assure you.

Do you want us to help you develop a sane strategy that will be much more effective?

Shattered dreams - Ive done all the romancing and dressing up (complete new wardrobe) you suggest and its cost me an arm and a leg, but 5 months on (ok its only 3.5 since true Dday and 9 weeks of NC) but its damn hard to be on your very very best behaviour 24/7 when a lot of the time you feel like s**t. Perhaps I have overdone it and that’s why I see no change

The OM provided additional friendship and companionship (and piano lessons) and now despite my encouragement she wont play the piano when I am in the house

Its also hard when I see her laughing, smiling and flirting with her family, friends and work colleagues and gives spontaneous affection tothe kids, but I get none of this despite my own best efforts

Melody - All comments and strategies are welcome.

I would not accept any form of contact. The point is that this has proven that her feelings are so strong towards the OM and they have not faded one iota. I cannot live like that under that cloud

I suppose you could day that I am forcing her to make a decision that I feel is inevitable, but as Mulan implicates, that is the messy (cowards) way forward

I see you have completely lost your mind. Withdrawal takes some time. Please give it 2 more months before you do anything crazy.

Bosh Buddy, it sounds like you are being taken for granted that you will always be there accepting her crumbs of attention she throws your way. The following story is by a woman named Carol. Perhaps some of her techniques might help you. Just read down through her messages; quite interesting. If your wife thought she might lose you, she might see the light of what a great catch you are.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Bosh, she is in withdrawal. She has nothing to give your marriage right now. Just give it time and work on attracting her back and all will probably fall into place. As she withdraws, she will draw back to you if you will stop pushing her away.

Altace - "it sounds like you are being taken for granted.....accepting her crumbs of attention she throws your way" You hit the nail right on the head there! Thanks for the link, I'm off to read it

Believer - It sure feels that way from here, 2 months.....aaarrgghh

All - thank you for your replies, keep them coming they are much appreciated

You've made it this far. Please don't give up now.

"You've made it this far" - it doesnt FEEL like Im any further forward than I was 3 months ago despite the ADs numbing a lot of the pain

The upcoming holidays will bring back a lot of tradition and memories in your FWW that will give her pause to think about what she would have to give up if the A were to have continued.

Let the festive holiday season, coupled with your STELLAR Plan A work for another couple of months, with you expecting NOTHING in return, and one day, your eyes will meet your wife's eyes, and you will SEE clearly that she is emerging from the fog. The eyes tell all.

You will have to give her unconditional love during this time, and will have to WORK hard showing her by ACTIONS that your self-improvements are permanent, and not just "bait and switch" tactics to get her back.

You've come this far.... what's a couple more months when compared to the length of your relationship as a whole, or better yet, as compared to the rest of your life? Chump change.

Get your inspiration from Larry the Cable Guy, and "get er done"!

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks SD, I'm feeling much better (optimistic) today, I know your all talking common sense. She is (will be) worth the wait.

Could you explain to a naive Brit who Larry the Cable Guy is and "get er done"

Im expecting nothing in return at Xmas (just like I got for my birthday in Sept). She asked me then what I wanted and I said something sentimental and she keeps asking what I want for Xmas. I just want to say "peace of mind, and a loyal and loving wife" but wont

She was in a foul mood tonight trying to start a row but unlike Saturday where I reacted (and inevitably LB'd and felt bad for falling into the trap) I stayed calm collected and talked her out of her ranting and raving and won her round. I was proud of myself (unlike Saturday)

http://www.larrythecableguy.com/

Follow that link, then go to the bottom of the page and click on "listen".... some "down home" redneck humor...not for all, but pretty funny for many.

Good job on the elimination of the Love Busters, and for keeping your calm in the eye of a storm. This is critical to drawing your W out of the fog. You need to convince her to believe in you, and your ability to be the lighthouse, the safe haven for her to return home to....also pay attention to the other LoveBusters, like selfish demands, angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. I was guilty of all of the above, and have removed them from my life (at least in dealing with my wife... LOL).

All of this works, but you have to do it with enthusiasm and do it unconditionally. It's hard, but it's worth it when they begin coming out of the fog.

Best wishes,
SD

I have been enthusiastic, but I have my down days, and Im back up again.

The weekends fiasco was clearly about downplaying the EA (she only very reluctantly accepts that an EA is an A at all) to justify why renewed but platonic contact with the OM would be acceptable (IT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT)

I have been creating the safe haven, but it would be good for me to have one too as there is A memorabilia everywhere (in drawers etc but I know its there)

Thanks again, best, B

Keep in mind a WS will often be abrasive, abusive, argumentative, if not downright combative, which in most cases will "induce" a BS into some LoveBuster behaviors. This is a ploy to get you all worked up, and ugly, which helps the WS justify their relationship with the OP.

The OP is loving, kind, caring, sweet, understanding, blah, blah, blah, and their (betrayed) Spouse is an out-of-control nut-job who can't hold their temper, spews Love Busters constantly and is always way less than fun to be around.

The WS wants you to look awful, so they can justify their attraction to the OP. Don't fall into the trap!

SD

Todays been a good day, shes much happier than yesterday and held my hand in bed for 20 mins when the morning alarm went off then we had a cuddle and same again this evening

I did get the accusations of "out-of-control nut-job" last night, apparently she's been scared of my violent side for 16 years!!

Thats exactly what the OM told my WW about his spouse!!

Funny how they all re-write history and follow the same rule book isnt it?

Unfortunately it seems to be the pattern of WS's that the BS has to put forth most of the effort to heal the M in the begining. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Hopefully she will come around soon and really start to help you with this.

It does also sound like withdrawl / depression. It my have been eating at her since she broke contact. Can you convince her to go in for a checkup?

Stay strong.