I would like some opinions on something that is causing an argument between my husband and I. My husband's best friend, married for 30 years, followed by a bitter divorce, has begun to see a thrice-married and divorced woman. I feel that his friend should stay clear of what I would consider to be a "high risk" relationship. My husband thinks I am being "jealous" and "judgemental" and that the woman deserves another chance at happiness. His friend has a lot to offer and I believe he should run the other way from anyone who has been divorced three times! What do you think? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I think you would need to know why they divorced.

I was 17 when I married my first husband. I was young and pregnant. Too young for both the marriage and the baby. He cheated on me relentlessly. I tried to make it work, but honestly not very hard. He was blatant in his cheating and basically flaunted it. He started being physicially abusive and I left.

My 2nd marriage--this was my forever marriage. And yet he cheated too. I did the MB thing with him, tried VERY VERY hard to make it work. Really examined myself, my choices in partners, made changes, etc etc...all to no avail. We divorced on the 28th of November.

So am I high risk? I think it would be wise for my prospective partner to discuss my marriages and past relationships with me, but I *certainly* hope he would not rely soley on advice from friends when considering whether or not to enter into a relationship with me.

I do not think you are wrong in raising an eyebrow, but I think your friend (NOT you) would need more discussion with this woman before deciding anything.

I think it's really none of your business, and you should butt out and let him make his own choices...

Has he asked you what he should do? Then just let him make his own mistakes. You're not his parent.

I think you're generalizing.

There are plenty of good women out there who get divorced simply because they feel that they can "help" a man. Most end up divorced when they reach the end of their rope and the man doesn't want to change. Those are honourable intentions, even if they are lofty and nearly unattainable.

In this case, you just don't know why she was divorced--her husbands may have been alcoholics or abusers. They may have been terrible with money--we just don't know enough about this woman's situation to judge.

I think you're making an assumption that this woman was responsible for the failure of three marriages, but that's simply an unfair assumption too make.

[color:"blue"]Well I've been divorced 3 times and I asked my current BF one time if he found that scary. He told me that sometimes bad things happen to good people.

Divorce #1: first hubby isolated us, was passive aggressive, smoked weed, overate, and was generally a pleasant but selfish person.
Divorce #2: complete narcissist who managed to hook me early, got me pregnant (yes it was his fault - I told him to stop), married me, then completely neglected me, abused me, and demanded his way on every issue.
Divorce #3: Serial cheat, narcisstist, passive aggressive, and abusive.

It took me a long time and years of therapy to realize that I attracted the wrong sorts of men because I tolerated the intolerable. I also had enough controlling and odd behaviors that I didn't attract healthier men. I would find it very judgemental for someone to discard me on the basis of how often I signed up to be treated badly until I learned my own self worth.

V. [/color]

I've also been divorced three times. Is it something I'm proud of? No, but that doesn't mean I should be tossed aside and not considered "marriage-worthy" or lovable.

Are you perfect? Have you always done the right thing? Who are you to judge?

I grew up in a very abusvie home. Like Sunnyva, it's taken me YEARS to get beyond all of that and realize that I deserve better than abuse, cheaters, and crazy men. I kept picking the wrong kind of man. Now I'm VERY careful of even who I will talk to. We all have to go through some things to realize our worth and value and what we deserve. Kudos for you if you had that figured out and have the perfect marriage! (seriously, I'm envious, but some of us aren't that lucky!)

I get afraid to meet people like you, who will judge me based on my past. I'm not anything like I used to be. I've changed a lot and I have A LOT to offer a special gentleman, should he come along.

Perhaps you should let your husband's friend make his own decisions and mistakes and learn on his own. I know if someone made a blanket judgement on my number of marriage, my dropping out of high school and drug use TWENTY years ago, they would be missing out on a lot. Then again, if a man would listen to someone that was judging like that (or a friend that was telling him to steer clear, I wouldn't want anything to do with him.)

Rather, why don't you get to know this gal and judge her at her merits RIGHT NOW? Get to know her, then offer your thoughts. Be open minded. Maybe she is scared (I'm sure she is.) Maybe you could learn a few things from her...?

Angel99:

Don't let us run you off. You just inadvertently hit on a nerve for a few of us on here and, well - passion took over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

One thing to keep in mind: Most of the folks on here are ones who jumped through tremendous hoops trying to save their marriages. And although it takes two to marry - it only takes one to divorce. So all the best intentions and good deed in the world does not guarantee a successful, long-lasting marriage.

Another way to consider the sitch is this: There are those who "made the commitment" to marry another - for life! And suffered tremendously when the marriage failed. And there are those who did all the things that married couples do (lived together, pooled income/debt/assets, etc. had kids and so on) yet never took and accepted the vows. And somehow our society views those who chose not to commit to marriage in higher esteem than those who did - even though they lived as "married" people do. Whenever their "relationship" ended - it was "just a break-up", not a divorce! Kind of backwards isn't it?

I used to be one of those who thought I would be married once and forever. I'm not! And while that will always bother me - I also know that I did everything I could think of to succeed - yet it still wasn't enough. There is a strength in that realization and your friend may see that strength in this woman. Your H may be onto something when he says this woman deserves another chance at happiness. And so does his friend! Heck - who knows, given the chance you might just like her too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good Luck.

FR