Someone suggested I change my question to get Melody involved. I'm not sure who that is but I can use all the help I can get. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My husband of 11 years, 2 children 9 and 6, started cheating on me in Sept. or so. I just found out Dec. 1st. I am completely devestated. We have MC on Tues. and we spent the whole day today as a family. I drank alcohol to numb my pain. We got the kids to bed just like nothing was wrong and went to talk. He said he was going to her house overnight and he could pick up the kids after school and have dinner and then I was like then what?? go to her house again? That is crazy! Even he admitted it sounded so wrong.

I just am not sure how to handle this as it is tearing me up inside. I want my husband/partner back. I asked him to ask her to leave us alone for a couple of weeks just so we can get through Christmas. I need him here I just can't do it on my own. He said he would see if she could take it??? OMG! I was as cool as I could be. No yelling or screaming or swearing just lots of sobbing though. I am so weak. I'm not sure what the MC can do for us as he says the OW wants him and wants to be with him forever. I was like do you want to marry her? He said they haven't discussed marriage. I am just in agony listening to this stuff. I can' help but sob as I was totally sideswiped and had no idea my life was going to implode like this.

Should I ask him to leave and just be living with her all the time? so she and he can get their affair over quicker? Or should I let him go back and forth and back and forth using me/the house/hitting me up for gas money or meals? I feel so used.

I just hope I can get a couple of weeks with her out of the picture as much as possible to get through Christmas. I want to move out of this town because it is small and I will see her and then out together. I just want to rip my heart out of my body and feel nothing anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> amy

Amy, you have come to the right place. I have been in your shoes and it just....well, sucks. Please read the articles on Surviving an Affair, they will help you plan your srategy. MC will be good to help get this off your chest. If you want to save your marriage, stay away from the love busters like you seem to be doing. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes when a unbiased third party MC states outloud what is going on, sometimes they see how ridiculous what they are doing is...however, they are "addicted" and he needs to get away from her as quickly as possible with NO NO NO NO contact at all...EVER. One of the first things the counselor will tell him is there is no point in counseling until he ends it with the OW.

Wow. That sucks.

You need someone like MelodyLane here right now.

Can I maybe suggest that you consider Plan B right away. Have you exposed his affair to anyone who may be able to help? You have to break the affair up and exposure will help a lot with that. My wifes affair was over within a week of exposure.

It's christmas too which you know but instead of begging and being needy, just tell him to go and start plan B. Christmas with no family will really rock him.

Consider changing the title of your thread to get MelodyLane involved.

Mel is a good coach but you need more than that. Please consider reading the concepts info above, read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs.

Get with a good MC familar with MB principals or better yet, call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling. U need to finish reading SAA, the concepts section above and take the EN questionnaire.

Realize the OW wants more than just your H. She wants what you have.....all of it.

Don't go to plan B yet. You need to regroup in your strategy. Best to call Steve 1st.

As for letting him in and out of your home while he goes to the OW, you need to see if that makes you feel unsafe. If it does, then put him away from your safety zone. That is not plan B, it is for your protection. The OW is dangerous, c/b of a criminal mind and NOT t/b trusted.

BTW, go secure your finances so the Ws doesn't give away your family finances to the OW or use it to support the A. That has been done before.

take care,
L.

BH, the first thing you need to do is calm down and quit sobbing all over the place. I know it is hard, but you need to get a GRIP on your emotions so we can help you strategize through these land mines. You must have your wits about you!

That is step #1.

The next thing you should do is run to the bookstore and get Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. If it's not there, you can order it here with cheap, fast shipping. This book will help you understand the dynamics of an affair. Knowledge is power with affairs and you must get educated QUICK.

I would also suggest that you expose this affair NOW. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because affairs survive in a fantasy bubble. When the affairees are forced to explain themselves to others, they begin to see how silly and sleazy they look through the eyes of others. It is a cold splash of reality.

Make up a list of exposure targets and plan to call them all in one day. Do not forewarn your H. Call his parents, his family, close friends, your family, his employer if a workplace affair, the OW's parents and anyone else you can think of. When you call them tell them about the affair and ask for their support in saving your family.

Now, when you speak to your H, don't sob and beg and threaten. Tell him - calmly - how very much he is hurting you and the children. Don't lovebust him and do your best to be as attractive as you can. In every interaction ask yourself if you look better or worse than the OW. Because every time you lambast him, you make the OW look good. You want to avoid that.

And most importantly, if you can afford it, I would suggest calling Steve Harley for counseling. He is a SUPERB MC that won't waste a minute of your time. He will guide you through this mess. He charges about $185 per session and I think he is worth every penny. You don't have to have counseling with him to save your marriage, but it sure is helpful if you can afford it.

Read about Plan A and Plan B in my signature link.

Who is this OW and where did he meet her? Is she married?

He has been friends with her for years. they work together in the bar scene. She even came to our wedding and has hung out with my family so it is triple devesttating and I just can't get a grip on my emotions. He always said he would never sleep with his friends because then the friendship would be ruined. I hope it gets ruined quickly!

I did call on D-day to all his family. Then I told everyone in town and put a notice up on her work. Then Vinton had to explain to his boss what was going on. Nobody seems to say or do anything for me. There all like yes H has been unhappy for so long it is no surprise. Well it was a GD surprise to me!

She used to be married and has a son. Her x is a crack head and has a crack baby with another crack head. She is a total party girl and has a new relationship a few times a year. Now of course she has latched onto the best thing that has ever come her way. She wants to be with him forever.

I have read a lot here and printed out the questionaires and will take them to the MC. Last resort before I put a bullet in my head will be to call Steve. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> amy

Unless he is lying he says he will stay here over Christmas and we will be working on our relationshop with the counselor so I have hope now. Unfortunately he works with her at the pub though so he can see her everyday, have drinks etc. etc. At least no more sleepovers for now. I have to be thankful for small favours. At least he is wanting to co-operate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> amy

An update. I still need some help/guidlines from the experts. What is going on now is we are having some really good quality time together all day. We go out for lunch, take walks, talk a bit about the issues but I still don't push to hard because he has not ended the affair really. He still sees her.

All day he spends with me doing nice things and then he says he is going out to the pub. He may see her. Her dog had to be put down today and she is devastated a mutual friend of theirs called to tell him. So off he goes to see her.

I just said I am not enthiusiastic about you going. I think it is a bad idea and basically you need to know that it is like you are stabbing me in the heart every time you see her. Then I just walked away. He said good bye when he was going out the door and I just never responded and now here I am feeling like how long ...

HOW LONG???

should I put up with him going out at night to see her?

I maybe going out for the day tomorrow so then he has all day to go and see her and then he works with her all night and then has drinks afterwards and God only knows maybe sex and then comes home to me??? I don't think I can stand this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> amy

I know this may seem out of place right now given the interest to save the M, but please be careful if and when you guys get intimate. Since OW is a party girl from the bar scene, you never know what kind of STDs your H may have been exposed to. This is not an abstract concern.

You are in my prayers.

I know. We have not been intimate as he has not chosen to end the affair as far as I can tell. I'm afraid to even ask again as the last time he said he just could not cut her out of his life so that was my answer then. I have two weeks before the possible sleep overs start up again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He did say she got all her blood work done after her last partner and she was given a clean bill of health. They always used condoms and he said he would go to the Dr. to get all his tests done so at least I have a bit of piece of mind with that. Condoms will be used for a long time if he decides to be with me and his children.

He is working at the bar tonight with her. I am not looking forward to dealing with the emotions that will bring up. Intellectually I know what needs to be done and so does he but emotionally we are a train wreck. He must end the affair. No salvaging can really start until that happens. On the other hand time needs to go by so that he can see I can be someone he wants to spend time with and fall in love with again. The minutes just drag by. My house has never been cleaner. lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> amy