First, I was to say that my H was saved (born again) about a year ago. I was so happy & felt our marriage has been better then ever this last year. I think we were in a state of intimacy. We've been together 10 years & married almost 7 years with no children.

In October my H came to me & confessed his sins. There was a laundry list of lies about buying stuff, going places, seeing a couple of girls while we were broke up while dating & never telling me, but all that paled when compared to his main news.

He had one EA 4-1/2 years ago in which he wrote a love letter to a co-worker who wasn't interested (although I think she really loved the attention & keeping him on a string). Fortunately for our marriage, there was a management change in the company & he was let go. He was so depressed & distaught at the time for a while after that (didn't realize it was withdrawl). He maintained a friendship with her up until the present. After reading MB, he will have no further contact with her.

Then, he had a PA 2-1/2 years ago for about 6-8 wks. He said he wanted to leave me so he knew if he had the A, he would have to leave (crazy logic?). There was no intercourse, but he ended it when he began to feel guilty after oral sex. About this time, we got 2 foster kids (he told OW he could not be having an A if he got kids - so it ended a couple of weeks before - nice for the kids I guess). However, they still worked together (he was her boss) for months after that & she kept pursuing him. Finally, he left that job. However, he maintained contact with OW for 2 years after the A (she always initiated it & he was afraid of exposure so he didn't tell her to stop). This even lead to us attending her wedding March of this year...UGH! Before we knew about the NC letter, I had him call & tell OW he told me & to never call him again. She agreed. Then, later, he called OWH & exposed the affair to him (since he was living with OW & they had a child together before A took place).

I realize now through MB that I did alot of LB during the beginning of our relationship (disrespectful, angry & selfish). By the time he PA started, I was no longer doing LB, but he couldn't see it. He's majorly passive-aggressive & blamed me for everything wrong in our relationship. He was at a point where he wanted to leave because he felt I was too controlling (it was because he was so irresponsible it forced me to control finances & other aspects of our lives). Also, I have always been the stable breadwinner in our lives (no security for me).

I had always been willing to put up with all the responsibility even without security because I thought he was a faithful, loving husband. Since that has been shattered now as well, I am stuggling to want to stay in this M.

Since being saved, he says he loves me more then ever & understands the importance of our marriage. He & I are reading HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS together & going through what is important to each of us. He is looking to change his passive-aggressive behaviors & work towards providing me with security. He says he will never cheat again & has learned his lesson and understands what road gets him to that. He says he will never have any women friends again (they were dumping their problems on him & he fell for them) and is willing to stay out of tempting situations. He promises to tell me the minute he has any issue or problem with thinking of anyone else.

I've been on an emotional roller coaster for these last few months. I have good days & bad. Any comment or action can set me back as well. Before the news, I never had any thoughts of leaving my husband or wanting someone else.

So, my problem is this: I am struggling with emotions of finding someone else & moving on. I went from intimacy, to conflict & am on the fence going into withdrawl. I know it's wrong to want someone else, but I find myself fantasizing about a couple of men who have shown interest in me (before realizing I was married). One of the men is single at church who is very attractive and I find myself looking in his direction during the service and thinking about how I could get to chat with him. I'm not even focused on the service (sadly).

Okay, obviously, this is wrong. But, I cannot seem to shake this feeling and the desire is strong. It's like I feel like I want to know what it feels like to be with someone else who might appreciate me. I mean, WH blamed me for EVERYTHING always in our relationship while I worked & slaved to take care of us, never appreciating it, then he stabs me in the back as well. He was SO completely consumed with his own selfishness for most of our lives together that it's hard to forgive.

I have been honest with my WH about my feelings because if not, I know I'll be in withdrawl for sure getting deeper & deeper into my own little fantasy world. I have also had many nightmares about my husband cheating on me in which I end up running down the street crying & screaming "it's over" or "get away from me" while he chases after me trying to stop me & explain away his deeds with lame excuses or act as if it was nothing & I shouldn't be upset.

Are these feelings normal? What do I do with my emotions? How can I get past this? Please help!

Also, I have an exposure question. My WH told the OWH, and I told a good friend of mine (because I needed someone to talk to & she went through a similar experience with her XH). Since my WH affairs are over & done with, is exposure to anyone else necessary? I know there are discussions here of telling friends & family, but is that only when the A is ongoing?

That was in the past but you don't have closure and your H needs to have closure also. Being 'saved' isn't enough.

Please consider getting with a good MC or doing some phone counseling with Steve H @ MB.

U both need a solid recovery plan.

L.

Go to a pro-marriage MC together.

So, basically MC is going to alleviate my feelings of wanting to get out & run away? Is that all? How do I get the closure I need? What about my exposure question?

I've been afraid if I didn't have the right MC, we may end up hurting our situation more then anything (getting bad advice or suggesting separation). We did consult with our pastor a few weeks after I found out & he gave some really good advice - although hard to swallow (since he uses HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS with couples wanting to marry). He also gave us the book as well. I thought maybe we get a MC recommended through our pastor or on this site who uses the MB approach in our area (Tulsa, OK) I want to make sure I'm going to have a good MC or don't want to bother with that at all.

Also, I wanted to mention that my needs have went unmet throughout our marriage so I'm pretty resentful right now because I have carried the load in this marriage (financially & otherwise). Security, Affection & Conversation were definitely lacking. The only affection I got was associated with sex (in which I withdrew from sex because of it - not meeting his need for sex). I never got undivided attention when I would try to talk to my WH. He would end up not listening to what I said, watching TV or even falling asleep. He is HIGHLY passive-agressive where he was constantly undermining me but claiming innocence. He was so sweet about claiming innocence & good intentions that I thought I was losing my mind & felt frustrated all the time. Now, I realize (and he does too) that he was hostile & angry, but acting act in passive-aggressive fashion with forgetfulness, etc.

Over the years at some point when I quit doing LB, I also withdrew into my own thoughts. I think I followed him into withdrawl. It was much more peaceful in our realtionship & actually I thought things were getting better when they were actually getting worse.

Then, he got saved about a year ago. And I know Orchid you say it's not enough - I understand that. But, when you live with an atheist or agnostic at best who one day "sees the truth" (www.wayofthemaster.com) and realizes his need for a savior & realizes he is a sinner on his way to he**, it changes EVERYTHING in his perspective. He never understood that God was seeing everything he was doing - even his thought-life. He has since stopped lusting & masturbating entirely (which is something he thought was normal for men & that he would never stop doing). He did alot of praying about this as well. Of course, I know that God will not stop him from cheating again & he can be tempted & fall into something like that if he doesn't change the way he handles things (and the way we haven't met each other's needs).

I'm quite an obsessive person so I have a hard time letting go of things or moving forward. It's a difficult challenge for me to follow what I should do & not indulge in my sad, depressive thoughts. I've been using shopping as a tool to make me happy (which is NOT good) and I've had my WH take me out to some clubs where I drink a little and got drunk once shortly after (I'm not a drinker) to numb the pain & not think about it. I told him to take me or I would go alone. It's dumb, I know. I also have been using sex as a tool to make myself feel better (which does meet his need so that is not bad) Does any of this make sense or am I crazy?

More help please!!!

I was reading you post and you mentioned being quite an obcessive person. Some of the things you expressed sound also addictive in nature, which can go along with OCD. I'm just wondering if some of your feelings that seem to be locked in place are because you have OCD tendancies. I had something similar going on with me where I could not break from one pattern of thinking until I was on some anxiety medication for OCD. It might be something for you to think about.

AskMe,

It could be some OCD tendancies, but I will not take anxiety meds because I cannot stand the way they make me feel. My job requires I have the ability to be sharp at all times. I also watched a family member on anxiety drugs because of his WW repeated lies & affairs which just numbed him to ignoring his problems instead of dealing with them. After taking them for years & needing to up the dose a few times, he realized this wasn't really solving anything for him so he got off of the drugs (I told him repeatedly that he was just numbing himself to it) & is trying to get his life figured out now. However, more damage has been done (to his life & kids) in the process with not dealing with issues he should have. I would rather try to make behavior changes then rely on any medication to get me through this. Meds may be for some people, but not for me.

Then this is a good time to give those obsessive thought to God.

Faith means letting go of obsession! Because, once you take the steps you need to take (getting yourselves to MC )... after that, it's all in God's hands.

Recovery is measured in YEARS not just a few months.

Your feelings of resentment will knock on your door off and on for at least a year, perhaps 2.

take the steps of recovery ... and turn the results over to God.

I know Pepperband. I've been resistant to turning my problems over to God. Many times I haven't prayed when I know I should - it's like I "want" to hang on to it & indulge in my thoughts about these other men. In some odd way, I feel entitled to it even though I know it's wrong.

Thanks for reminding me this is a long process.

I will work on finding a good MC too.

I totally understand ....

but....

this "entitlement" is your pridefulness trying to nudge God out of your head

You are right Pepperband. I will work on my pridefulness. Thanks for the comments - it helps to be reminded.