Hi all, I am back after a hiatus of several months. The story so far....

D day was Sep 4th and led to the revelation of a previous affair with the same OM 15 years previously. The following 2 1/2 months were the ****** that everyone said they would be. Lying, fog-talk, babble, insults, further unpleasant discoveries (including VIDEO!, Yuk!!)but the affair finally eneded when they began to dislike the way they were individually behaving. So.Here I am on the run up to Christmas feeling like a shell shocked war survivor. My marriage has decayed to a level of mutual mistrust and, at best, tolerance. My WS has admitted that it was all a mistake and wants us to move on, and that she loves me. Here is my problem.

From my view, my feelings have shifted out of all recognition since this started. I now see that I have been married to an adultress who's extreme form of selfishness has allowed her to justify TWO affairs to her conscience. Her behaviour towards me during our marriage has never been anything like the care and attention she lavished on OM, and as such I feel an 18 year backlog of resentment. I cannot help feeling that she has realised that I am currently the only game in town, so her interests are best served by being nice to me. But what about 5 years from now, when she feels that she is not getting the attention she feels she deserves? Will she seek comfort in the arms of another?

On top of all this is the gnawing suspicion that my love for her has been trampled to death, and that I can never re-build the necessary level of trust to make our future secure (a vital element given my job as a pilot). If I stay am I making myself into a victim a second/third time? Or is this all just part of the "anger" phase of BS behaviour post affair?

Questions, questions......

All input gratefully received.

Ta

HH,

I am going through the same feelings. I have days when I want to stay and days when I want to go. My advice is for you to take as much time as needed to decide what you want and to discover what you really feel. Right now there are probably so many feelings inide of you that it is hard to not to be confused.

I understand how you feel and yes time is good to look over how you feel and where you want to go in your marriage. But and yes there is a but think about this ok. By you feeling angery and sort of turning away she may look else where for confort do to the hurt she is feeling! Her feelings matter in this as well. I know that is hard to hear I get angry in my marriage as well and I have NO NO NO NO NO NO NO trust butI still try to keep things going yes it hurts but all I can do is try to make it better. I am a woman going through the samething but I just praying and listening to him I watch him too due to the fact I have no trust but I do try till I am given reason to put that guard back up then I fuss and go off to myself and rethink of a new way to handle what is going on. I hope that helps some?

Your feelings are normal. I think it is very important for couples in recovery to go to MC together. Thus, my suggestion would be to find a pro-marriage MC in your area to help you two with this.

H_H,

Have you expressed to your W exactly what you posted here? If not you should do so. Now the key is to do it without love busters. That means particularly disrespectful judgements, DJ's. These are the most deadly of love busters, please read about them.

Your feelings seem to be pretty normal given the time frame. Usually somewhere about 4-6 months IF the affair has ended the BS feels pretty much as you do...second choice. What you need now is radical honesty and the Policy of joint agreement, even if divorce is in your future.

Your concerns are valid. The only issue is what to do, and for that you need a plan. First a plan to see IF the marriage can be recovered, and then a plan once you decide it can or cannot be recovered.

I would urge you to sit down and really thing what the ideal marriage would be to you. Not worrying about the A's, but simply the actions and interactions that would make you happy with a W. Once you understand your OWN goals and desires, then you can evaluate if this marriage can meet most of your needs. It will never be perfect even without the A's but where do you stand, what can you handle and not, what do you NEED from her to make you feel loved, respected, and valued? You are the only one that can determine this. Oddly, it may help you to talk to your W about this search for your view of a good marriage.

You see right, wrong, or indifferent, she is the source of information you will need to make your decision.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Hi H_H,

The feelings you are feeling are normal (at least, I hope so, cuz I certainly felt them!).

At around 4-6 months into real recovery, I posted here asking "why should I take back someone who has proven himself capable of this"? The answers weren't particularly to my liking at the time - I wanted someone to give me some sort of guarantee that all would be well if I did.

The most important thing I did glean, though, was that you'll never know until you try. Unfortunately, it is indeed possible that it could happen again. It is also possible that you and your W can rebuild a better marriage from the smoking ruins of what was.

I've realized that it's okay to be undecided yet hopeful. Follow JL's advice (as usual, he's right on the money). Please do find a pro-marriage MC that will help you discover which issues you need to discuss and will help encourage you to do it in a marriage-enhancing manner.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way; the holidays undoubtedly amplifies these feelings. It will get better.

Best,

G

hurt_hubby,

For all the tough talk some BS say about divorcing their WS, their actions show that they are very affraid of divorce. If you are affraid of it then any setting and enforcement of boundaries is bound to meet with failure since your WW will push to find out exactly if you are truly serious. If she senses that it is all lip service, she will feel triumphant to continue behaving the same way she has but now with a more bold attitude. For the record, I am NOT advocating you divorce her but to lose any fear you might have of divorce FIRST before you try to reconcile with her. Once you do this, then I'd suggest you lay down the law as far as the things that are needed to build a new happier and healthier marriage than the old one. What kind of things? Mutual accountability [informing of each others time and whereabouts], Transparency [no hiding of things like e-mail accounts, cell phone records, etc.], No more individual friendships or spending time alone with members of the opposite sex, No more contact with any OM forever, Willingness to follow a custom marital recovery plan by a pro-marriage professional. These are just a few but they should be deal-breakers in whether the marriage gets rebuilt or is ends with divorce. If she truly loves you and wants to save/rebuild the marriage, then she will gladly agree to these conditions. It is time for both of you to put your money where your mouths are.

TMCM