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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 11
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 11 |
Maybe I have tried to read too much info over the past 5 wks since dday, because I am SO confused. I thought I was supposed to be in Plan A - WH ended the A 1 day after dday, but now I am thinkin Plan A is supposed to be only while A is ongoing and since it is no longer ongoing am I supposed to be in recovery? At any rate - I am getting NOTHING from WH. He doesn't want to talk about the A or our M. His words are, "I said I want to make our M work, so nothing else to talk about". My deposits into in LB are getting me nowhere. He is clearly not happy - shows me no phys attention, affection, etc, but says he loves me. We are in MC at his suggestion, so that is a plus. BUT, what do I do, keep on making deposits and forget trying to get him to talk about our M or his feelings?
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554 |
Sounds like your WH is still in withdrawal. Give it time.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 396
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 396 |
Sad,
You're still early in the stages of recovery. Withdrawl will make WS very irritable and cranky. Let the MC help guide you through this. This is not a sprint race... it's a marathon.
If the A is truly over and NC has been established then you're on the road to recovery. Continue with loving comments. Don't push questions that may make him resent you. When he feels like he is not being attacked he may ease up on his guard and let you back in to his world.
Hopeful4future
The character of a person is defined by their actions...not their intentions. Otherwise, the world would be full of Saints.
BS: 40 (Me)
xFWW: 50
Married: 9/97
PA: 3 months
D-Day: 6/30/2005 (she revealed to me)
Divorced: 10/2/2008
Happy that I've moved on
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833 |
A good Plan A continues until the WS comes back. Not just physically but mentally ready to recommit. Keep putting deposits into his Love Bank and he will find it easier and easier to open up to you about many things.
Your WH is probably in "Withdrawl" at this point. This is a good thing. It usually lasts a few months. Has NC been implemented / confirmed? Any contact with the OP tends to reset the withdrawl clock to the beginning.
He will speak to you when he feels that it is "safe" to talk to you. Not before. Unfortunatley, BS's can not speed up the process. We have to wait patiently.
Unfortunately, it falls upon the BS to iniatate the recovery process and do most of the work in the beginning. Just seems to be the this works. Remember the prize at the end. A Strong Marriage.
Stay Strong!
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
sit, he is in withdrawal so his behavior is pretty typical. That being said, you still must help him understand that the only way you can recover is to discuss the affair. It can't just be swept under the rug. In order to recover you must have all your questions answered openly and honestly. This is information about your life to which you have a right to know.
You are right that the purpose of Plan A is to bust up the affair. You are beyond Plan A. BUT, you must still avoid lovebusters and do your best to meet his needs, that is the foundation of the Marriage Builders program, regardless of an affair.
Go read everything you can on this website about withdrawal, you will find some good articles. Do you have Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 11
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 11 |
Sounds like everyone agrees he is still in withdrawal and I need to be more patient - I will TRY!!!!
Walking... I am 95% sure the A is over and NC at all. Makes since that he does not feel "safe" talking to me. I never looked at it that way. I am sure he does feel attacked as I am pushing way hard for him to talk. I will back off on that.
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833 |
He will come around and be able to talk about the A. One of the benefits of Plan A is to create an home atmosphere where he can feel "safe".
He WILL have to answer your questions about the A at some point. This is very important for both of you in the recovery process.
A bit of advise when it is time to talk about the detail of the A. Write your questions down on paper as you have them, go over the questions on your list, revise / edit the questions until the "Big" discussion. You do not want to rely on you memory during this discussuion. It WILL be very emotionally charged.
Try to do the "discussion" in on sitting, Believe me that neither of you will want to go through this multiple times.
Stay Strong!
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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