Hello everyone! I have been "lurking" around here, reading all the posts, and have finally decided to join. There seems to be lots of support and good advice from genuinely caring people.
My husband originally filed for divorce because he could not handle the fact that I have male friends which I will not give up for our marriage. I explained to him BEFORE we got married that I had 2 male friends who I consider "best friends" and that I would not give up these relationships for anything. He seemed to understand this and at first I had very little contact with these men for the first few years of our marriage. Things began to get "rocky" a couple years ago. I could no longer handle the emotional abuse and constant fits of anger for what I considered trivial things. I started speaking with my male friends, hoping to get a "man's" point of view on what I was doing wrong. Besides the fact that I missed their friendship, I really didn't stop to think how this would affect my husband, since I had explained my relationships with them before we got married.
Continued accusations of affairs, spying on me, hacking into my online accounts, phone bills, bank account, email, etc. have made me furious and therefore driven us even further apart. I feel violated because I have been honest with him. We are at the point where we cannot even have a conversation without him yelling about how I have hurt him, and I should feel guilty and be ashamed of myself. He has gone to my family and loves to play the "victim" and has made up all kinds of stories about how I am having affairs with several men.
Due to recent health problems, I have put the divorce stuff on hold until I have my health problems straightened out. Then, I don't know what will happen. I am confused as to whether to pursue divorce or try to "reconcile" which seems close to impossible from what several marriage counselors have told me.
Of course this is the short version of my story. His belief is that he made a commitment before God to stay married to me, yet he is the one who filed for divorce. I am a Christian, and have prayed continuously about this, but I am still not certain what to do. I believe that God intends for us to be happy, and neither one of us are.

Does anyone have any advice about whether to stay in a situation that seems to make us both miserable because we made vows before God?

[color:"blue"] Make yourself and your life transparent. No accounts that are not shared. Let him pay the bills especially your cell phone bill. Answer any question he asks without deception and complete honesty and openness.

You have nothing to hide - why be angry. You should be confident that your life is transparent and your husband should have nothing to be jealous about.

V. [/color]

Grace, Welcome.

How much a part of the divorce is your friendship with these two men? It seems to be the major culprit so far as I can tell.

If you've read the site, you'll have a good idea of what I'm going to say next. Around here we don't believe in having friendships our spouses dislike or feel threatened by.

Sure you're husband knew going in that you had these two friends. Most likely he didn't feel threatened by the friendships because you two were so much in love. Once you hit a rocky point, he felt differently.

Now, imagine if he had started talking about the problems he was having with you to two female coworkers. He just wants to get a woman's perspective, so he's sharing information about fights you've had , some of your good points, but also your flaws. How would you feel?

Even if you're fine with it, your husband wasn't. So rather than give up something that gives you pleasure, you continued to do what hurt your husband. You basically said to him "Honey, what I want is more important than hurting you."

As for him hacking into your online accounts, are you two married or aren't you? What secrets do you have from him? Harley believes, and I agree, spouses are entitled to know anything you tell anyone else. The only thing I don't think spouses are entitled to know is what you keep private just to yourself, maybe your pastor or therapist. But, friends, collegeues the internet, yep.

Around here no one recommends you stay in a situation that makes you miserable. We recommend you do what it takes to make both of you happy in your marriage. If both partners get on board, you can have a marriage better than the one your dreamed of on your wedding day.

You need to eliminate LoveBusters, meet Emotional Needs and practice radical honesty, as well as spend 15 hours alone with your spouse each week.

I doubt this was the answer you were looking for. We do give a lot of support and care for people in a divorce, but usually they've spent a lot of time on General Questions or Emotional Needs boards before throwing in the towel.

Welcome, Grace,

I'm with the last post - if you keep your friendships with these men, you are saying that you are going to make sure you get your needs/wants met, regardless of whether that hurts your husband or even destroys your marriage.

The Policy of Joint Agreement is that neither of you should ever do anything at all without the full, enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. The moment he no longer felt okay about these men, you could have entered negotiations (1. establish a safe, pleasant environment with the rule that you will keep it fun no matter what; 2. find out and accurately repeat back each other's perspectives; 3. brainstorm with abandon, not judging any of the ideas presented; 4. choose a solution that you both feel really good about - enthusiastically agree on!).

This is tried and proven, whereas the alternative (meeting your own needs without regard for your husband's wishes or needs) is proven to lead to unhappiness, estrangement, and divorce.

Yes, he agreed to stay married to you forever, but you also agreed to be his marriage partner forever - meeting your own needs at his expense is a compromise of your committment to care for him. Is it really fair to expect him to just stay with you forever if you don't always have his best interests at heart?

Why don't you let him know whatever needs your male friends are meeting for you, then let him be the one to meet them? If he is so unhappy with your friendships with these men, then keeping them is just showing your husband that you value them more than you value him.

We are in a culture that promotes intimacy between members of the opposite sex, and says that friendships are forever whereas marriage partners come and go. Those of us on this forum believe that marriage should be forever, but it takes work, skill, and pleasant negotiation.

I hope you will be able to meet your husband's need for exclusivity in this area. Without the Policy of Joint Agreement, one spouse is in danger of hurting the other at every turn, just by placing his/her own needs ahead of the needs of the marriage.

Hey, ablocke, did you really only just register? That part about POJA was great. You should keep a copy of it to trot out occassionally. And to your point, a huge reason my marriage failed was because my husband refused to follwo the POJA. In fact, once he said he didn't believe in the theory behind it!

It's hard to imagine someone NOT agreeing with the theory behind the POJA, isn't it!? But we really are in a self-indulgent culture. Have you read Dr. Harley's article, "How the Co-Dependency Movement is Ruining Marriages" on this site? It's great, and might help explain how your husband could disagree with the idea of trying to make sure you are both happy and fulfilled.

I have read almost every single document on this entire site, so by now the Policy of Joint Agreement (and the other concepts) are very familiar. I can see them already making a difference in my own marriage, as I am treating my husband much better and considering his needs and wishes in everything.

:-) I'm at work...have to go before my break is over!