Some of you know my struggles with the man I'm currently "dating"... if you can call it that!

I didn't share Friday's events too much, because it was weird and out of the blue and I figured I'd just give it some time because that's how I've handled everything in this R. What he had said on Friday was "I want you and think you should know, I'm scared and perhaps where the mixed messages are coming from"
A little more... met him on-line, we've dated since 10/23, nope, no kiss.
MANY great qualities about him, totally different than what I "normally" go for, which is exactly what I was trying to do and am wondering if that is where some of my stress is coming from? And kind of what has kept me around.
Another thing about me right now: I could really care less on some fronts. I'm not setting out to get married, but would like some companionship, and to see where it goes, not wanting to rush into anything, but have always been pretty much a one man woman. If I like someone I don't normally go out with others because I'd rather spend my energy and effort with what's before me, or move on...

Emails b/t he and I today...saw him briefly on Saturday because he stopped by after he lost his phone on Friday night (we were supposed to get together Friday after our respective functions).
If you need more info, let me know...
me to him:

Good morning,
Hope your weekend was good, despite it's problems.

(name)
You know I'm kind of a tell it like it is person, so here goes:
If I knew where to start, so this may ramble a bit.

What in the heck was your email on Friday about?!
Where did that come from, and what did it mean? Anything? Cuz I'm not getting
it...

I'm feeling that one or all of the following is going on:
1) That you are playing games with me. That you may feel me pulling back because I AM, so you say something to me to keep me in this "game" only to turn around and not follow through, which makes me pull back again.
2) That I'm one of many or a few that you are trying to keep on the line and this is why you are yo-yo-ing with your feelings/thoughts/time for me.
3) That you honestly are too busy, or have too much going on in your life that distracts you from what "we" are doing, or trying to do here, and I'm left
feeling neglected and scratching my head thinking, "what the...?"

I'll tell you, these mixed messages and lack of follow through is causing me some trust issues concerning you. I wonder how honest you are being with me and there are times when I feel there is a connection with you, but most of the
time not.

I understand that you have a lot going on in every facet of your life, and I was willing to accept all of that. But at this point I'm feeling that perhaps I'm wanting or needing a little more than you are able to give. When I am able
to be with you, your phone is a constant distration. If what I'm looking for is to be someone special to someone, are able to be that person to me?

There are so many great qualities I enjoy about you. I was excited when you texted me what you did on Friday. But, there is no follow through, and your actions do not correspond with your words, and that's huge for me. Like I said on Friday, I want MY special one to KNOW it's me, I don't want to be a crap shoot, I want to be CHOSEN for ME. I'm a good catch and although I don't need constant attention, I DO need some. I don't want to hear how much you would LOVE to see me, then be blown off.

I've given this much thought, in fact, have lost some sleep over it. I'm not into guessing what's going on. I'm not particularly upset, just feel that I'm in a constant state of confusion and I choose not to live there. I began this
email as an "I'm out" email, but thought that may be unfair. So, I'll lay my cards on the table for you to decide where you are and what you want to do. IF
you DO think you want to CHOOSE me, there would have to be some changes.
Perhaps it just isn't "our" time, I don't know, and I harbor no ill feelings if there is something else that you want, but it's important for me to know where
I stand, and also want you to know where you are standing with me...

So there you have it.

His response:
The weekend went as well as it could - all things considered.

I understand all of what you said in this message - and it's all exactly why I have moved so "slow" on this whole thing. I think someone I am interested in (and I am very interested in you) has to "live" my life "with" me for a while to understand how odd it really is. This is partly my choice - I could simplify some of the work stuff, and partly "where" I am in life - having two teenagers
and a preshooler simultaneously is almost insanely hectic.

The combination of these things makes my life a whirlwind where even I feel "disconnected" some times. I understand that it makes you confused, and wish I could make it different in some ways. It also makes things like me misplacing my phone Friday night seem even more "troubling" than it would otherwise be - and that whole night I knew how it would "look" to you, and anyone else who was
trying to get in touch with me.

Friday's messages meant exactly what they said - and events sometimes (and in my life quite often) conspire to prevent even the best intentions from being fulfilled. Given the additional "complication" of my kids and us not wanting you to become "involved" with them yet (which I totally
agree with) makes this even more difficult than it already is, I had to make sure I was available for them first (as Saturday's problems more than adequately demonstrated) and that meant you had to wait until I was in a position to catch up with you.

I've rambled way too much - and don't want to re-read what I've written because I might not send anything of the sort.

The short answer is - we are where I expected us to be at some point. Until you are all the way "in" my life - there are going to be numerous times/situations/etc where you are going to feel like you are not "in" it at all, and I have NO idea how to address that. This is all "new" ground for me - and I am learning and adapting as fast
as I can.

There is no one else - and I am not "looking" for anything different.

I am giving you all that I can - and it just seems to be falling short, which has been my biggest fear in getting "involved" with anyone at all.

I would rather you were "in" than "out" but I understand you have to take care of you first - and I would absolutely insist that be the case. Maybe it isn't "our" time because it isn't "my" time - because I believe strongly it IS "your" time - and I hoped I could be the one
for "your" time. (Does that make any sense?)

Sooo, I'm a little confused as to the score at the moment. How do you feel after his reply?

Honestly, I'm feeling like "he's just not THAT into me!"

I kinda got that vibe too Drita -- that he's doing the bare minimum to keep you in the picture. As soon as he senses its not enough, he throws a little more attention your way.

Sounds like he has adult ADD too....lol.

Funny, we've joked about that...I think we both have a little of it! LOL!

Thanks, Lexxxy...I'll wait for more feedback, but I did send him an email asking him to clarify and define a few things. said I'm on the threshold of a decision and want to have all the facts...

?

[color:"blue"]It's all your fault I'm slow. [/color]


[color:"blue"]Do it my way or you can't possibly understand me. [/color]



[color:"blue"]It's not my fault - the kids make life hectic. (true enough) And I could change my work habits (for you). [/color]


[color:"blue"]Everything in my life is out of my control I'm helpless and not in charge of my own life. (Note he wishes he could make it different, not he'll try to make it different)[/color]



[color:"blue"]I realize I look stupid like I was hiding and by saying that I was troubled by what you might think, I'm practically admitting guilt to the idea that maybe my phone wasn't really missing - but of course you'll never believe that.
Anyone else? Is he trying to warn you that you might have competition? Maybe spark some interest in you because there might be "others"? [/color]



[color:"blue"]It's not my fault - I'm helpless - I have to put my kids first. [/color]




[color:"blue"]It's your fault because you are holding back and not joining in my life with me and my kids. [/color]



[color:"blue"]Gee look I've reavealed myself (NOT) and taken responsibility for my goof (NOT) and offered an action plan (NOT). [/color]



[color:"blue"]At the moment. [/color]



[color:"blue"]Poor pitiful me - I can't please you at all. I can't please anyone - I always fail.[/color]


[color:"blue"]You go on ahead and be selfish - I'll be fine... [/color]


[color:"blue"]There can't be an "us" because it is all about you! [/color]



[color:"blue"] No because I'm confabulating - making something confusing up so that you'll scratch your head, say huh, and give me more time to think up a good hook for you. [/color]

[color:"red"]The lines here are all made up by me and may not be what the author originally intended...

V. [/color]

I mean... I think he's into you... he's just busy... and being cautious.

[color:"blue"]I think he is busy and not making time for her. He is sending mixed messages by saying he wants to be with her but the world conspires against him. If he wanted to be with her, he would find time.

I have a 16yo and 7&8 yo boys I'm very busy but still have time to date.

V. [/color]

He said "this is all "new" ground to me". Why is it new ground? My point being, maybe he's into to you, but hasn't learned how to balance everything.

My long-term xBF had to learn how to balance kids and GF. He didn't know how, when we first started dating.

Good question! He just started dating, seperated over a year, but divorce just final.
So the only thing he is adding is the dating thing.
But it does seem to be at his convience and I didn't read it as Sunnyva did, but he is starting to sound like a victim and that he has no choices, and you know, we ALL have choices!

My exBF used to say some similar victim-like things.
Which really he used as justification to live selfishly.

Until I'd had enough of his selfish behavior and left. Now I'm the "one". ha, yah sure I am.

He said it, and he may be right. He may not be ready to date yet, since he's not ready to give what a reasonable woman needs at this point (7 weeks). You can either give him more time, since he is being smart by being cautious, or you can let him go, since you are needing more from him.

I agree with Sunny. Basically, the guy is right. He's falling short of what you want. So, you can either settle for what he's willing to give you, or you can find someone else who thinks your worth making an effort, making a plan, making time.

I also think this false dicotomy he's set up about "in" his life or "out" of his life is a red flag. Just because you aren't living together, doesn't mean you can't understand what a crazy life being a single parent is.

Besides, do you really want a man who lets the crazy chaos we call life pull him which ever way it pleases? Or do you want a man who's going to navigate through the chaos, bring order where possible?

We do all have choices, Drita. Right now, I think the choice is YOURS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ah, and therein lies my dilemma. I know it's a question only I can answer.
Stay or go... easy!
I can completely understand that he is busy. In his message, however, he says that he could do some things to make life less hectic. He chooses not to do so. So to be reasonable, that's his choice, I know where I stand.
I DO feel I've been VERY reasonable. But I also feel like I'm being played.
Ya know, I can deal with anything as long as honesty comes with the package. I just don't know if I'm feeling that...why is it that my mind jumps to that? I would think if he was upfront with me that's not the first thing that would jump into my mind...
So my choice is to wait it out (no investment really at this time), be sure I want to walk away from it, take the big sign now, and walk away, or just keep sitting on the fence as I have been for 2 months now!

Keep it coming... I really need this!

Adding to Faith's post, so he's making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. See, this dating thing doesn't work for me right now because this is all I'm willing to give.

For me, and because I'm in the non-dating world right now, I would say walk away.
I know, so easy for me to say.
But, I think then perhaps he would realize what it is exactly that he thinks he wants.

He still hasn't kissed you yet, right? We're talking 2 mos almost now?? Just seems different to me.

I don't mean to be cold or make it sound like this is an easy, because I know it wouldn't be. But, I think it would give him something to think about.

You deserve to feel wanted Drita.

Karona

Ugh!
I just got my reply from my second email to him (not yet posted here...)
He makes it very hard. more to come...

Since I just joined match again, my friend challenged me not to accept dates from people who hadn't been married (or at least not been in a long term committed relationship) or who didn't understand what it means to date someone with children. I think she may have something here.

[color:"blue"]Drita,

When I felt that my BF was playing me (he was always scheduling other stuff and he kind of expected that I would just come and hang around when he was busy with this other stuff) I found other stuff to do.

I did come around for an evening or to see him because I did miss him, but I didn't just go over and stay and hang like he wanted me to.

So I was honest to myself and went to see him when I missed him, but I was true enough to myself to not just be a doormat and come over at his whim to hang out without him paying attention to me.

I make it very clear to him that I don't drive 25 miles to hang out and not "be" with him in some way - have some interaction.

V.[/color]