I just need to vent!!! I speak with the x for a while today on the kids (very cordial conversation). During the conversation I started missing her. I did not say that I missed her, or anything about us - just the kids. But I could feel those feelings coming back and it really made me pi$$ed off at myself!!!!!!!!! I hate it, hate it!!!

During the conversation she said she had to go abrubtly (I am sure it was another call and her cell and it was most likely her boyfriend). That bothered me.

It frustrates me when this happens. Why in the world would I still have embedded feelings for this woman? Look at my signature!! 3EA's and one PA in 10 years!! I mean, isn't that some sort of MB record!

I am an objective person... I think a rational person learns from their mistakes in a divorce (i.e. emotional needs). I look back and I still don't know why she left me. I was a good, loving, caring, faithful husband. Perfect? No, but I loved her and treated her like I loved her. She was never happy with anything! Her jobs, her friends, her home, her furniture, her vehicle, her husband....

Does anybody ever feel like me? I have treated like dirt by this woman and I miss her???

OK, I am done and feel a little better.

You're Human, you have feelings and they don't die so easily.
It's easier for her, because [I'm sorry]you have been replaced.
For us BS's it's harder because it's not what we would have chosen. We would have never left our marriage for someone else. The feelings just don't go away that easy or fast.

Hang in there, you're still making progress even though these days sneak up on you!

Karona

I echo Karona's statement. Feelings don't just shut off... I can say that from personal experience too.

I too can look "logically" at my own situation and reason with myself... but add the emotional back into it and I'm a wreck again.

Hang in there - you'll be OK. Vent those feelings but keep your perspective. Focus on your kids, and yourself.. advice most of us need to take <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (And I'm doing just that!)

Hugs,

H2U

Howdy old friend,

Yes, here I am and old name from the past! First, I'm going to ask you to email me or David if you want so we can catch up--it's been far too long.

I'm coming to speak to you today in a way that few can. If you look at my signature, you can see that I too had a spouse with multiple affairs. In fact, my exH was a serial cheater (I consider him like a Love Addict) and he had 13 A's of varying degree that I can prove with "evidence"...and probably more that I don't know about. Nonetheless, in a way that a lot of people on here may not be able to understand, I do know what it's like to be the faithful spouse to someone who is a multiple cheater. And in a way that a lot of people on here may not be able to understand, I also know how I thought I MUST be sick and twisted if I missed a person who treated me like that and even occasionally felt feelings for them.

Here's the thing, BHINWI...just because she has a Love Addiction and has A's to feel loveable doesn't mean that you do. Just because she acted unfaithful doesn't mean that you did. All that time you had to have some little clue that there were issues but you chose to still be a good and faithful husband, and YOU still loved HER. Thus, for all those years of your life, in your experience you had a wife and a family and an intact relationship and someone who loved you. That's in the neighborhood of 20 years of believing in your heart and acting in your actions as if you were devoted to one person. The fact of the matter is...that what you HAD and what you THOUGHT you had were two different things, and you are just now starting to catch up with that and reconcile that.

So, for 20 years you loved one person. What do you think? In a few months you're going to stop loving her? Your heart was faithful, BHINWI...so you have to somehow adjust to realizing that a lot of the years that you thought she was being your faithful wife BACK, she wasn't. Then, you have to adjust to realizing that all the time you thought you had a dream family, you didn't. Then you have to accept that a lot of your life was an illusion. See??? It's tough stuff, and lots of times your heart is just going to say, "Isn't it easier to just go back to fooling myself that she loves me?" or "Isn't it easier to just go back to the illusion I *thought* I had even if it wasn't real?" And that's when you love her again. Or maybe you see a teeny tiny piece of the woman you originally fell in love with (between times she's chasing someone else or treating you like a pile of doodoo), and for that split second you heart misses that feeling of being SECURE. Oh, it was a neat little lie that you were telling yourself but you felt SECURE that someone in the world cared for you.

So in most ways, what you're feeling is completely normal. I know when I went through my divorce, I still had feelings for my exH for a long time afterward because *I* wasn't the one who stopped loving him. For a long time I wished that I would get super pissed off at him and stop loving him, or just cut him out of my heart and hate him like some people do. Thankfully, I'm not that kind of person. Thankfully I gradually came to realize that I would always have some level of love for him because he is the father of my children, and that deserves a certain level of respect; however, I also came to realize that over time I lost a lot of respect for him. I lost respect because he was so selfish that he put his temporary need for the sexual chase ahead of the needs of his wife, family and children. I lost respect because I began to see that most of the things he had raged at me about were not my issues at all but his issues projected onto me. I lost respect because I began to see myself as loveable and worthy of good, faithful treatment and when I was treated with less it felt like less. I lost respect because he didn't make the effort to be with his kids or be a father even though he had a responsibility to them. You get the drift, right? And I can't say that love completely DIES--it just withers as more and more respect is lost.

So hang in there, my brother. You're doing okay even if it seems like you're a mess.

Your true and faithful friend,



CJ

Karona,

Isn't it funny how I post in the dating forum about my date and how great it made me feel and then I come here to whine about my X!

I am doing good, much better than a year ago and it helps SO MUCH to come here to vent. 13 months after she left, friends (and they are great friends) and family don't ask much anymore how I am doing as they think I am long over her. But, there is that spot in my heart, that loves her. Eventually that little spot in my heart is going to get captured by someone else, and then it will grow into all of my heart. Unlike my x, I don't fall in love at a drop of a hat - it takes time. And when I do fall in love, I am faithful.

You have been through a lot Karona also - thanks for the help!

Keith

Faithful,

What a truly beautiful response to my post. I am supposed to be a "strong man" (yea right!) but I have tears in my eyes over what you just wrote me.

I have heard many times of the illusion of my nice marraige.... that I will not know how bad my "perfect marraige" was until I meet someone else that is faithful and sincere. Then I can compare and truly see the light.

I have lots of anger towards her.. During the divorce I let the anger be known on several occasions and she just could not understand why I was so mad. I remember the day she moved out - so giddy, so happy, she wanted me to go to lunch with her and her family after she moved. She invited me over, and when I walked in, she patted the chair like she always did so I could sit by her. She would invite me over for dinner, I would come and go home feeling worse. Sometimes I would come over and she would sit in my lap and cry and it confused me so much. (I need to quit babbling....)

I find though it is better to not channel my anger at her and do it here, or with a friend, or my therapist. I find when I am kind to her, I feel better about me.

Her and I are 2 totally different people - she was never happy with anything. I remember once she asked me how I could get up in the morning, and be so happy. She couldn't comprehend it, that I could roll out of bed, immediately play with the kids, or talk to her and maybe crack a joke, jump in the shower and sing (and I can't sing). She would tell me she could not figure it out. She could not because she isn't a happy person.

Hey, I will email you! I need to know how you guys are doing!!!

Keith

BH~Keith,

I and so many other's I'm sure understand it. It's confusing how you could enjoy something, but still have the pain.
I'm sure you would much rather have still been with your wife, but that is not the choice she left for you.

As much as it hurts, it is good character for you to feel the way you do. If you fell out of love so easily, it would say less about you.

Thanks for the kind words!
K!

Honey2U,

This is probably one of the wisest statements I have heard. It is so true... If I sit down and look at the facts, I think why did I put up with this? Why would I want to be with someone that does this, blames me, screams at me when I ask her about her "special friends", will not go to counseling, etc, blah, blah....

Then I throw the "emotional" angle in. Then I think how much I miss her, and love her. And how I would give anything to get her back.

My therapist told me it takes a very strong person to act on reason and logical thinking and not on emotions. My X always acted on emotions, always.... I have to react to the reality of what she did, and react logically and rationally.

You know, I have dated several women and one of them Sat night was all over me and I liked it!!! But the point is, I did not fall in love with any of these women (my X would fall for men immediately, as little as a day). Anyway, this tells me I am a logical, reasonable person. Love takes time to build.

So, why did I ever marry this woman?? 2 answers - my little boy and my daughter.

Keith

{{{Keith}}}

And when you look at your children you see all the good in both of you. I know - I see it every day in the faces of the children I have with my XH. He's a good parent, by and large I have no complaints about his parenting ... and I pat myself on the back a bit because I've done well with them myself.

Of course you want to see only the good stuff - nobody wants to think of the bad stuff... but it's there. I'm grappling with the same thing.

I'd still like to at least *try* to reconcile with my XH, issues were different and I believe surmountable, but after last week with the D and some hostile exchanges I don't know if he'll consider what was said in the heat of email argument as "final" or not. He said "final" things and so did I ... but I don't think I really meant them - but I don't know if he realizes I didn't necessarily mean them.

Of course comparing our situations at times are like apples and bowling balls, our circumstances are different but boy do I know what you're feeling.

Despite all the hurt and crap you've been through, despite all the tears and pain, you can't just shut off those feelings, and they are leaving a void there. I have that void too - I tried to fill it with someone else, but in doing so I realized that I'll never feel for anyone half as much as I feel for XH, and that's a big pill to swallow. At least at this point I don't think I ever will - I won't have any more children so that's one bond that no one will ever surpass... 20+ years of history (more than half my life)... those are big shoes.

I wish I could offer some other wisdom to make it easier, but alas, I can't. It's there - it is what it is, and we just need to make our way I guess... a little older, a little wiser and perhaps a bit more cynical.

H2U

Keith:


I can relate to your pain. My sitch was much like yours only a little longer in marriage. Like you - I am rational & responsible and infidelity was never a consideration for me. Looking back, our marriage was not perfect; but it was envied by friends, family, etc. and the A caught me quite by surprise. I am one of those who took our vows and commitment literally - she was not.


Again, very similar situation. Did you ever tire of jumping through all those hoops? Steve Harley helped me here. He asked me how in the world did I make her happy for 15+ years! I told him - commitment and sacrifice. He was surprised that we lasted more than 2 years. My xw is always looking for someone else to make her happy (as it sounds like yours does). You & I both know that we will always fail. SH said she must learn how to make herself happy and only then will the relationship be as it should. She never bought into that.

As to your feelings; (like Karona said) it seems to me that it's a good thing you were/are able to love so completely. Imagine how empty falling in & out of love would be.

Also; your feelings toward her will continually diminish as your rational mind processes. To be honest; my entire outlook on this scenario took a major change when my 13 year old DD said to me: "Dad; my Mom is not my Mom" - meaning that the "Mom" she knew and was raised by had somehow left and was replaced by this other woman. Once I took what my daughter said to heart (and plugged in my rational/objective processing) it became clear to me that my feelings were for someone who no longer existed. And the person that my ex became is not someone I would normally even befriend. So now - the only feelings I have for xw are sadness for how she's ruined her life and sometimes anger for how she treats our DD.

I suggest that you continue listening to your rational side, enjoy the moments while dating and such - and soon enough, these "feelings" you're describing will simply be gone. At least that's the way it was for me!

Good Luck.

FR

Fishracer,

Our stories do sound similiar.... You know, during the EA's, my X would blame me for anything she could think up. I mean everything! One thing she kept telling me was I am the type of person that has to have someone in my life. Can you believe that? She has 3 EA's, lies through her teeth, then leaves and hops into bed with the first guy she meets. And I have to have someone????

I do have to put things in perspective... I have to look in from the outside. When I do, I can't believe what I see. I see a husband that forgave her for every EA, that did the things she wanted, that loved her, that cared for her... then she leaves him again for the final time.

One of closest friends told me if I ever took her back, I would lose a lot of respect from people. I would look like some whipped pup that loves getting crushed.

Keith

I totally agree. Married 17 years, found out he has girlfriend. I'm obsessed with where he is and what he's doing, but if he came back tomorrow I'd say no, enuf is enuf. Kids have had enuf fighting, I finally have a chance for peace and here I waste it on worrying about what "they" are doing. Then to top it off, he calls to tell me what "they" are doing. He's so bent on revenge and getting even. This is the 4 separation for us in 17 years. I have to figure out how to start over and get on with MY life. I'm sorry for your pain, I can totally agree with your emotions right now.