Well, my username says it all; I cheated on my fiance for the past year and a half off and on with my ex. That's not the worst part, she was pregnant with our twin boys. Bottomline, I came clean and the ex came back in the picture again, but I didn't have any relations with her, nor did I want to, but my fiance said if I spoke to her ever again, she would be done.

Now she wants us to seperate, she needs her "space", to me that has always been the kiss of death. I have apologized more than you can imagine, I love her and my 7 month old twins more than words. I have experienced more emotions in two weks than I have in 36 years. I have turned to God, books and websites looking for answers. I hate myself for what I have done to her and my babies, I want to make it right and I realize the pain I put her through for the past year and a half and as God as my witness I would never put her through it again! I now hang on every word she says; if she calls me and suddenly has to go, she says I'll call you right back, well that was 7 hours ago and this is driving me crazy. I just want my family back and she's doing her own thing and there isn't anything I can do about it because I'm the cheating, lying piece of crap. She tells me it over right now, but she won't say for good. What do I do? How long do I wait? I've had two anxiety blackouts and I don't know how much more I can take. I feel she hates me, but then again I know what she is saying to members of our family, saying she not saying it's over, she wants to see changes; I haven't found a new job yet, so that is one change she wants, so do I. My words mean nothing to her which I understand and I am making huge changes in my life for myself and for her. I want to be a great partner and father, I want my boys to see how much thier daddy loves and appreciates thier great mommy. Today was the first day in almost two weeks that I didn't have a breakdown.

I'm not looking for pitty, nor do I suspect I'll receive it, but some input from people other than our friends and family would be appreciated.

TBI - Okay, since you brought up God, let me ask you for a statement of your belief. Or is that merely another way of you saying that you are trying to stay "in control" and are grasping at straws that you can use to salvage your marriage from the mess you created?

How long will you have to wait? Until you wife decides. Here is the "cold hard reality" of recovery after adultery. YOU, the Wayward Spouse, were in complete control of the affair and your wife had NO "say" in it. The reverse is true of recovery IF you are truly repentant and truly love your wife and want to recover your marriage. The Betrayed Spouse is "in control" of recovery because you already "ended" the marriage when you chose adultery. Now, your words mean nothing. Your actions will "prove or disprove" your words and your wife will be the "judge." No appeals, no jury, just her.

And then there's the little matter of God. But that brings me back to my original observation and question.

If you are sincere, you will find a lot of help here, and a lot of direct and honest advice, even when it might be "tough to hear" but needed.

Welcome. You have come to the right place, though all of your answers are within YOU.

I don't have time to elaborate today, but want to bring up two crucial points:

1. Call Steve Harley for your wife, then for you. She will need a lot of support to get through this.

2. Is your wife willing to read here? It may be helpful for her as this is a site primarily dedicated to the support of the BS (betrayed spouse).

I am a FWS and have learned a lot from the amazing folks on this board. I hope you can too.

Good luck.

If BS decides to that she wants to try to work this out here are a few bits of advice.

Become Glass ! You actions must become completely transparent. YOU have destroyed the trust she should have in you. You will need to EARN it back.

Becoming transparent is just the first step. Give her passwords for email accounts, web sites you use, cell phone records, etc..

Be Honest ! The lies to cover up the truth hurt as much as the betrail does.

Be Open ! The BW will have many questions for you. A few now, a lot more later. Answer all her questions honestly even it is hurts. ANY unanswered questions or dishonest answers will plant seeds of doubt and draw out the process longer than necessary.

Don't think you can "sugarcoat" you answers to make yourself look better or "lessen" her pain. The truth ALLWAYS comes out eventually and if you are not completly honest it will give her reason question your integrity.

You will have days where everything is going forward, you will have days where nothing is working and you want to give up. Don't.

We refer to these days as the Rollercoaster. Sit down, Strap in, & hang on. If you BOTH want to make it through this you will.

Get a pro-marriage counseler.

Keep posting. Encourge the BS to post here. There is a lot of support and good advise available from this forum.

Stay Strong!

You said she is your fiance. Did she have a ring and a date. After all, you have twin sons already....cart before the horse...

It sounds like you may have been a renter. Read Harley's Buyers Renters Freeloaders...'The One'.

You've obviously been on the fence by having both your X and your fiance. Were you married to your X? Do you have kids with her? Did you originally cheat on your X with your current fiance?

Anyway, if you are free to marry your fiance you should let her know that is your sincere desire and set a date. Ask her to go to pre-marital counseling. You need to be sincerely repentant. Apologize from your heart and back it up with actions to set this all right.

You would need to send a NC letter to your X.... if you don't have kids with your her. Give your fiance a copy of the NC letter. Be transparent. Let her know your truth.
Read up on radical honesty.

Read the following:

Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

You need to understand the meaning of the word -commitment-.