Hi, I am new to this forum. I joined because over this past Thanksgiving my husband of almost 5 years told me that he wasn't happy, that he didn't find me attractive both physically and emotionally anymore, that he feels nothing for me and that maybe he should leave before he begins to hate me.

We talked for a long time after that, though I still feel he has more answers than just "I don't know" After some consideration he has agreed to go to counseling to try to work things out, but he has the attitude that it's just not going to work and he just is waiting for the holidays to be over so our 3 year old daughter doesn't associate Christmas with mommy and daddy splitting up.

Even though he has agreed to go to counseling he is not helping choose a counselor that we both feel comfortable with. He seems to want to spend as little time as possible at the house and when he is there I don't feel comfortable around him. But at the same time he has stated if he leaves (seperates) then that is it, we are filing for divorce.

I'm angry, scared and confused and do not know what to do. He was never abusive, selfish at times but not abusive. As far as I know we have both been faithful and at one time we were deeply in love with each other and have a beautiful daughter together.

I'm lost, and trying desperately not to plummet into a deep depression. I have to be strong for my little girl but I don't know how much strength I have left

Ooops. Sounds like he might have another woman. Many of the signs are there.

honestly I have thought about that but I have no proof. All of the times he has been out it has been with other male friends, most of which I know have enough respect for me that they would let me know if something was going on. My husband also states that he has no feelings of sex or attraction for anyone. I personally think he has slipped into a depression, but he won't seek help for that because he thinks it's just his relationship with me that is causing his lack of positive feelings. I don't know I'm just feeling like I am hopelessly treading water before I drown in this situation. I want to work on our marriage but what can I do if he doesn't?

I agree with believer. Your husband is having an affair.

He has signs of it. He has emotionally separated himself from you. He is not spending time at home. He is avoiding you. He says he will go to counseling but he has already convinced himself it will not work...he does not want it to. He has already emotionally divorced you. All that is left is the physical divorce.

He is feeling good about himself in the eyes of someone else. You seem to be defending him when someone tries to help you. Stop! Look objectively at what is going on and get your head out of the sand. I know it hurts to think he is having an affair, but you must face it. It will not just go away. Your marriage is in serious trouble, and you won't face the truth. You said your husband is selfish, but not abusive. Affairs are birthed out of selfishness. They don't care what it does to you. Only that he is happy. He doesn't feel anything for you because he is happy in his new relationship. She is fulfilling his emotional needs, so he is excited to be with her. He feels that you now are only in his way of developing his new relationship. His time away from home is being spent with her. You are feeling uncomfortable when he is home because your inner spirit is telling you something is wrong. You sense it but are denying its validity. Since he is no longer emotionally or physically attracted to you, he is having an emotional and physical affair. In his mind, another woman is providing all his needs; therefore, he does not need you anymore.

Please read this columns entitled "emotional needs", "infidelity", and "Plan A or B". I believe you will find that these will help you uncover the truth and give you a plan of recovery. Then, face the truth, stop denying it, so you can begin a plan of healing...with or without your husband.

he may be having an affair, but what kind of person would I be if I accused him of something so drastic without proof. Yes he has emotionally seperated from me, and I am trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario that it is a permanent seperation. But other than him being selfish at times and the emotional disconnection I have no signs he is cheating. I know where all of his money is, I get and open our mail which has contained nothing that would indicate an affair. I have all our phone bills, no suspcious numbers...etc etc

Yes, I am defending him to a certain degree. I have known him most of my life we were high school sweethearts that parted ways for a few years only to find each other again. He is a good father, and a good man. And even though we had our ups and down I was content in our marriage.

Does it hurt me that things have gotten this bad between us? YES, very much so. But I refuse to assume reason for the situation without proof. That would be counter productive whether we remain together or not. And I definately don't want to end up bitter and angry at the man who has been a major force in my life. Not only for my own sake but for that of my daughter as well. Not all marraige problems revolve around cheating spouses.

OK, breathe. Some posters call it as they see it. The correct advice is there "Please read this columns entitled "emotional needs" and "Plan A or B". "
There is a wealth of information here and there used to be an article titled "how one of you can bring the two of you together". It's true, you can do it by being the best person you can be.
I found early on that I couldn't absorb everything I wanted to read, so I ordered books on tape. The MB books are available on tape, and you could even ask your H to read them. They may help you understand what is happening in your M, and learn how to repair it. It's a great start.
If you haven't found a counselor, they have telephone counseling available from this site, it's alot easier than going somewhere.

Now, my X was emotionally distant and never did come back. I sometimes wonder if there was an affair, and I may never know. For me, recovery meant recovery from the withdrawal. For you, while he is still in the house, you may stand a chance. By learning the principles and being the best person you can be, you can attract your spouse back to you, and regain your M, and create a better M than you ever imagined. It is possible.
You may also want to have an individual counselor to help you through this time. Many marriages fail around the holidays, and you have the tools on this site to avoid that.

Divorce is hard on everyone, but most on the children. It is certainly not the easy way out. Good luck. You can get some great adviceon this site, but go for the real stuff from the writers.

Brandice, your story could have been mine 10 years ago. My H was having an EA, even while we were in MC. I had no idea until 3 years later - it went on for 2 1/2 years and I discovered it 6 months or so after it ended (although they were still "friends"...ugh). Once I exposed it, I insisted he cut off all contact, which he did. I am divorced now (it was final just last week), and that wasn't the ultimate cause of the marriage going down the pipe, but that was a big hurdle. We actually were able to overcome that, but my Ex also has depression and addiction issues which were the direct cause of the breakdown.. but enough about me...

Your story sounds exactly like mine did at the time - I was in charge of all the money - no penny was unaccounted for. A couple of times H's employer deducted some long-distance charges of his paycheck - but he told me he'd called his mother, and I had no cause to doubt that. I used to work at the same company - I'd have thought that if anything funny was going on, that somebody would have told me - but they didn't. Perhaps they didn't know.

We went to MC for 18 months, eventually the counsellor cut us loose - she said she didn't think she could do anything more for us. Obviously - since unbenounced to either of us HE was cheating on me. Small wonder things didn't get better - and I was completely oblivious to it, and left MC with a sense that there was something wrong with me. H had picked the counsellor, and since I came from a divorced home and he had married parents it *must* be me... so he sat there all pious like the ideal husband. Phooey.

Emotionally he came and went from the marriage - I finally asked him to move out and I filed the divorce papers. It is NOT the outcome I wanted, but his irresponsibility (financially) forced my hand - now the court will manage child support (he's paying his g/f rent with money he doesn't have)... I didn't want to go down with the ship. I always managed our finances and over a year later he still hasn't figured it out.

My H's EA was an online one. Even now he's got an online G/F - she just came to town last week - I managed to keep the kids from meeting her - I don't see it lasting she lives across country - but perhaps that's how he best deals with women - he can always turn off the computer when the going gets rough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Check your computer - install a program to log chats without his knowledge etc. If he's doing this now, there's probably a reason, and it's probably someone else. If not somebody he's actually having a physical relationship with, it could well be an emotional one - and goodness knows there are lots of people out there looking for a cyber-lover.

Meanwhile - do what you need to do to look after yourself and your child. Plan A... for yourself... not for him. If it brings him back emotionally - great - if not, you'll be better within yourself.

God bless,

H2U

Thanksgiving must've been good across the nation. Same story here. On Thanksgiving Day, my H announced he was "questioning our marriage", he left and four days later announced "it's over". I was totally blindsided. We too have a 3 y/o daughter and he wanted to keep everything a secret so as to not ruin anyone's holiday (read he was afraid to tell his mom). He says he's not happy, it's not someone else, that it's my personality and our incompatibility. And like you I beleive there is not, although everyone here seems to think i'm going to regret that. I'm not being totally niave, it's in the back of my mind, but I haven't seen the proof yet. He refuses MC, can barely speak to me about why this is happening, and says he cannot be around me because it's too stressful. I'm going to read all I can read and try to implement a Plan A, although I don't know how he'll let me. I would give anything to be able to make this work, but I know he has to want to and I just don't know how to make him want that. I pray for healing in my marriage and I will pray for you. God has a plan, we may not understand it, but he has purpose.

I've noticed that one of the first things people say to those who are trying to be positive and save their marriages is along the lines of "s/he must be having an affair, so dump the jerk." This is completely out of line with my understanding of Dr. Harley's work. Isn't the idea to try to BUILD our marriages, not tear them down?

I don't see anyone saying dump him, the point is to get to the truth. I must say there are too many indications something is going on (for both B and emdd). Snooping is never fun (I did it) but it will help you uncover the truth. This is the only way I truly found out although one close friend did tell me--I cried but still could not believe it, I was in total denial.

The MB principles can help save marriage's but more importantly (I think) can help save YOU....YOU study, read and plan which will strengthen you as a person and build a better YOU...and that's all that really matters. I was here posting in the D/D board over a year ago, I had given up and filed for D like everyone on this board....it took all of that and for me to find myself and GOD again for us to turn it around. No matter what happens to my marriage, I CAN TAKE THIS WITH ME wherever I go.

So, get ready for the rollercoast ride as I am sure all of you must feel this way. Read as much as you can and pray.

Nature

Brandice,

Why not try posting on the Emotional Needs forum? You may find the members there -- most who are Marriage Building and not going through a divorce -- to be more supportive of your attempts to fall in love again. Your husband may or may not be having an affair. The point is, that when you are "not in love" with each other that you are both at risk of an affair. Join us on the other forum and lets explore what you can do.


Mrs. W8ing

W8ing - This is great advice. I hadn't realized that there was a more positive forum on this site, and I will definitely move to the "marriage-building" focused one! I think that there may be many here who, contrary to one of the above opinions, have not "given up and filed for D like everyone on this board," but are here because we are trying to apply Dr. Harley's principles to restore love and happiness to our marriages. I will focus on the other forums, then, as I guess there is not much room for positive marital support here, just divorce support.

If he doesn't put the effort into saving the marriage too, then he doesn't want the marriage! I know, I put everything into saving mine, but I couldn't make my Stbx want us.

Your worth fighting to be with, and it doesn't sound like he wants to fight for your marriage.

Sorry, I wish I could offer better advice, but, I was there once too... If only they would of put their effort into the marriages, things would be different. You can't make them try or even care...JMHO

Wendiann, this is a marriage building site, no matter where someone posts. Your comments seem to be counter to the information on the concepts of this site. Perhaps if you read these, you could learn that one person can save a marriage.

Brandice, good luck. You have the tools here, and if you use the tools to save your marriage, that is great. If you use the tools, and you are unable to salvage the marriage, you will know that you tried, and will be able to live with yourself later in life. And prepare yourself for the right mate.

I am quite aware of this, however, this area is for Divorcing/Divorced people...

I was just giving my opinion, and both people do have to want the marriage in order to save it.

I was letting her know that I also faught to save my marriage, and that it is difficult. There is only so many times you can bang your head against the wall before you quit hurting yourself....

If one doesn't like my opinion, they don't have to listen to it...they can ignore or and take it just like it is, an opinion.