It is almost four months since D-Day, and I just can't stop the autopsy. I just feel like I am not learning what it is I need to learn from this experience.

Mortarman said in another thread to someone:



Now, in my situation, WH is no where close to coming home and divorce is around the corner. But, I still obsess about how I helped create the atmosphere that made the A possible. And if I can't learn from this, I am afraid I am doomed to repeat it. But I know I also think if I know where I am resposible, than I can "fix" it, and I am pretty sure that my M is beyond fixing.

My WH has told me that we only reconciled because he was afraid of being alone and once he met OW, he knew that hewouldn't be alone - so he started the A. The only clue as to what OW does for him is when he said "we feel the same way about people". Honestly, that is all he said about her.

So I break down the EN's and here is what I get:

Affection We were very physically affectionate, smoochy, huggy, kissy, pats on the butt, buying little things for each other etc.

Sexual Fulfillment 5-6 times a week, he said I was the only woman that could make him literally sing in bed.

Conversation I didn't talk alot, he thinks I am weird and he really had no interest in things that interested me, but I listened to him pretty well. We could have some great discussions about things that interested him.

Recreational Companionship Lacking here, he was rarely at home. And he controlled all the money. I was not comfortable making plans that required money since I never knew what is recreational funds were.

Honesty and Openness I felt very open and honest, apparently he wasn't

Physical Attractiveness He has told me twice in 15 years that I looked nice. He did say that he didn't like my housewife uniform, but that was after d-day and I didn't get a chance to change it (I have since he left though). he did say he liked lingerie, I had bought and wore quite a bit. I clean up OK, I didn't leave the house with him looking like a housewife. OW is not a looker either, she is plain, so I don't think it was a lack of PA.

Financial Support He seemed proud of being able to provide for us and I did work put of the home one day a week. He seemed to respect the work I do. We were not in financial straits.

Domestic Support After d-day, he said it frustrated him that the kitchen table was always messy (we homeschool and the kitchen is our classroom). Other than that, he seeemed please with his homelife and the fact that I never asked him to lift a finger around the house - never.

Family Commitment I was a SAHM by his choice.

Admiration We treated him like a king, the girls and I adored him. Admiration may have been an issue in the past (before previous separation), but has not been an issue in the past year. I knew what I almost lost and I did not want to take him for granted ever again.

I can honestly say that this A has taken everyone by surprise. He did not have a negative thing to say about me until after the A started. Our sex life was the envy of his buddies, our children are the envy of all our friends. He came and went as he pleased.

He has told me I did nothing wrong to cause this, he says "we just don't work". He said the only thing we are good at is the kids and sex. He says he knows he is wrong now, but he has no intentions of stopping.

So how do I learn what the lesson is, or do I just chalk it up to a mid-life crisis or narcissism and go on. Doesn't everything have to make a little bit of sense?? Everytime my life has taken a wrong turn, I could say "That is where I screwed up, that is why I am here". But with this, even WH says I did nothing wrong. So what didn't I do right enough?

I have asked him that, he says I am pushing him for answers that he is not willing to give me.

I just don't want to repeat mistakes in the future, but I am pretty close to chalking this one up to mental flaws that I have no control over.

Any suggestions on getting closure?

Jean, I recognise this sense of confusion - H has always said pretty much the same thing. I was an exemplary wife, but I spent months agonising over where I'd failed to satisfy.

Eventually, I came to realise that the problem wasn't my failure to give the right stuff - it was my failure to ask for much. I had a deep belief that my value in the marriage was based entirely on how much I gave to H - so I thought I was 'safe' because I was giving so much. It had never remotely occurred to me that someone could be getting all that they wanted from another, yet still feel deserving of more.

Since d-day, I have become a much less friendly place to be. I am far less generous, and I ask for what I want from H. I am not 'sweet' about his moods, and I am not swayed by criticism or sulks.

You know what? H says the marriage is much better for him because 'you're different'. This much-less-nice wife is a safer place for him to be - he needs the boundaries and the self-conviction that stops me from being abused in the way I used to be.

The EN model, in my opinion, only fits a certain kind of relationship - one between two basically healthy and well-intentioned people. It doesn't fit where there's a serious character weakness in one or both parties.

If your H can't come up with anything you did wrong, then stop torturing yourself. Your main failure is probably that you failed to notice you were married to a selfish and insecure man. Perhaps that 'blindness' is a better place to concentrate your efforts?

TA

Thanks TA for your reply. I did read something along those lines that made sense. That people who didn't have to give anything did not have anything invested, so it was easy to walk away.

And that made sense. WH has lived in this house for 13 years, longer than he has ever lived aywhere. But, he had no sense of pride about it, never lifted a finger to improve it, so he had nothing invested in it. That made it easy for him to walk away.



That is basically the message that I get from friends and family. So I hope my constant autopsy is just a sign of my obsessive need to understand and not some screwed up codependancy issue.

bump for help please

I think TA got it right!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Pepper for reading, I am going to make myself crazy with this crap.

Crazy is as crazy does <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

if you do an adequate autopsy and the source of the problem is discovered ... you don't need to re-do the same study over and over ...

Are you playing the fun endless mind game called [color:"red"] what if ??? [/color]

Jean, please stop beating yourself up. I think for once your WH is being honest- it ISNT about YOU.

There is something broken in him, and no amount of work on your part would fix it.

You sound like a doll.

But how do you know when you have correctly ID'd the true source of the problem?

Oh heck, I am kidding myself. I know the source of the problem. This is really 95% him. And the remaining 5%, I did change in the two weeks I had after D-Day prior to his departure. What I want is for him to admit that this is the most f*cked up thing he has ever done. And I would prefer he did it before he sees the D papers. Once he sees that I have rejected his "generous" offer, then I will be the bad guy again.

I can almost hear him now "See how unreasonable these papers are?? This is why I left you, you are a crazy woman"

Thanks mojo

But it made me cry again. If he is broken, what kind of wife am I to leave him like that???

AAARRRGGGG

Survival of the fittest, I guess. Let OW fix him now.

Ok, woman, buck up.

Just because he *says* you're bad, does it make it so?

I have a feeling in my gut that a part of you is dying thinking that he thinks badly of you at all.

What kind of wife are you to leave him like that?

A SMART ONE.

I really don't think that he thinks badly of me. And oddly, this has not affected my self esteem at all. Honestly, his excuses are so incredibly lame, I don't take any offense at them.

What really bothers me is seeing someone who I thought was such a good, upstanding guy, throw away his life for no reason. It is like seeing your best friend succumb to a drug addiction while you stand by and can't help.

And of course, once you have reached out to said friend, the only thing to do is protect yourself.

I am on my way to the attorneys.

Thanks for helping me calm down guys.