It is almost four months since D-Day, and I just can't stop the autopsy. I just feel like I am not learning what it is I need to learn from this experience.

Mortarman said in another thread to someone:


Now, in my situation, WH is no where close to coming home and divorce is around the corner. But, I still obsess about how I helped create the atmosphere that made the A possible. And if I can't learn from this, I am afraid I am doomed to repeat it. But I know I also think if I know where I am resposible, than I can "fix" it, and I am pretty sure that my M is beyond fixing.

My WH has told me that we only reconciled because he was afraid of being alone and once he met OW, he knew that hewouldn't be alone - so he started the A. The only clue as to what OW does for him is when he said "we feel the same way about people". Honestly, that is all he said about her.

So I break down the EN's and here is what I get:

Affection We were very physically affectionate, smoochy, huggy, kissy, pats on the butt, buying little things for each other etc.

Sexual Fulfillment 5-6 times a week, he said I was the only woman that could make him literally sing in bed.

Conversation I didn't talk alot, he thinks I am weird and he really had no interest in things that interested me, but I listened to him pretty well. We could have some great discussions about things that interested him.

Recreational Companionship Lacking here, he was rarely at home. And he controlled all the money. I was not comfortable making plans that required money since I never knew what is recreational funds were.

Honesty and Openness I felt very open and honest, apparently he wasn't

Physical Attractiveness He has told me twice in 15 years that I looked nice. He did say that he didn't like my housewife uniform, but that was after d-day and I didn't get a chance to change it (I have since he left though). he did say he liked lingerie, I had bought and wore quite a bit. I clean up OK, I didn't leave the house with him looking like a housewife. OW is not a looker either, she is plain, so I don't think it was a lack of PA.

Financial Support He seemed proud of being able to provide for us and I did work put of the home one day a week. He seemed to respect the work I do. We were not in financial straits.

Domestic Support After d-day, he said it frustrated him that the kitchen table was always messy (we homeschool and the kitchen is our classroom). Other than that, he seeemed please with his homelife and the fact that I never asked him to lift a finger around the house - never.

Family Commitment I was a SAHM by his choice.

Admiration We treated him like a king, the girls and I adored him. Admiration may have been an issue in the past (before previous separation), but has not been an issue in the past year. I knew what I almost lost and I did not want to take him for granted ever again.

I can honestly say that this A has taken everyone by surprise. He did not have a negative thing to say about me until after the A started. Our sex life was the envy of his buddies, our children are the envy of all our friends. He came and went as he pleased.

He has told me I did nothing wrong to cause this, he says "we just don't work". He said the only thing we are good at is the kids and sex. He says he knows he is wrong now, but he has no intentions of stopping.

So how do I learn what the lesson is, or do I just chalk it up to a mid-life crisis or narcissism and go on. Doesn't everything have to make a little bit of sense?? Everytime my life has taken a wrong turn, I could say "That is where I screwed up, that is why I am here". But with this, even WH says I did nothing wrong. So what didn't I do right enough?

I have asked him that, he says I am pushing him for answers that he is not willing to give me.

I just don't want to repeat mistakes in the future, but I am pretty close to chalking this one up to mental flaws that I have no control over.

Any suggestions on getting closure?