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Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

You cannot control what your wife does. You can let her know that her intended trip is very hurtful to you, but that probably won't keep her home. Will you be watching the kids while she goes on this little "love fest"? I advise against that.

In the Plan A section of MB, they advise exposure to destroy affairs. Is the ex-BF married? Can you find out how to contact him, his family? Can you expose to your wife's family, friends?

She is going to do whatever she can get away with. You can't educate her to change her mind. You could produce Jesus Christ resurrected, in the flesh, with a choir of angels to testify to her that she is sinning, and it would do no good.

Not dogging on her, just explaining how the mind of a WS works.

Hello DeterminedDad,

Welcome to MB.

Since you have been lurking here for 6 months,have you done any of the plans that are recommended(i.e. Plan A)?

As the other's have said,you cannot control what your WW does or doesn't do.I can appreciate how hard it must be to know that she will be leaving to go see this OM but you can't stop her short of chaining her to a wall.And we know that's not an option.

The question is what to be doing now? Have you spoken to Steve yet? You cannot control what your WW does but you can control what YOU do.At some point you will have to accept that as much as you love your WW,what she is doing is wrong and you should not put up with it anymore.That is why there is a Plan B.

Can you fill us in more on what you have been doing regarding our plans and any counseling? Do both families know about the A?

Thanks~

O

Follow the advice here!

Ditto to what the others have said, but I'll go one more. If you have kids, call up your inlaws and ask them if they will watch your kids on that particular weekend. If they ask why, tell them that you have to go away and that their daugher is making a trip back to visit her old BF! You could always then make the trip back too, and gather some evidence. Never underestimate evidence either.

Ditto also to finding out if exBF is married. That would be a plus! If so, contact her too!

I agree with who said to let her parents know exactly what is planned. It may be embarassing as all get out, and it will probably cause your W to bust a vein in anger, but at this point what have you got to lose?

If she were drowning or trapped in a burning building, would you not do whatever was in your power to save her regardless of the method?

I also agree that you cannot stop her unless you lock her up, but being serious, nothing you will say will prevent her from going. Actions do speak louder than words, and you need to put into motion some actions.

All the begging and pleading will and does do nothing. In fact it makes it worse! Tell me, how much begging and pleading did you do to get your W to marry you? So, what makes you think you can keep her by pleading and begging?

Time to get tough, but still love her. If she were a drug addict, you would have no problem with dragging her out of the crack house screaming and shouting all the way. Well, the advice you have read here is very similar, it's just that the kicking and screaming come after these affairs are exposed to the light of day.

The question is, are you ready for war? Best to bring out the big guns early!

Lastly, keep a written log at work! Events, times, dates, what was said etc. If you have kids and this all goes really south, at least you will have a written journal of your activities.

p47d

Sounds like she is having an EA [emotional affair] with her exBF and now wants to turn it into a PA [physical affair]. If this is the case, then this would be her 2nd affair. While the others are right in that you cannot control her, the level of resentment that will result after she returns will make marital recovery extremely hard. Please read the following excerpt from Dr Willard Harley online article "Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment":


TMCM

Determined,

Your WW had an A that you found out about 6 months ago. You do not say if she is truly remorseful, if the A is over, and NC is in force. But....

Now she is flying out to see another man...her Xboyfriend. She is going no matter what you say or do.

You say..""I have always believed that Love is limitless...I still love my W with everything that I am. I never thought that I could ever love someone just as much as I would ever love my children, but I do love her that much but she cannot see it....I can't find a way to make her understand how much I love her. I try to tell her, but I eventually get pi$$ed...She cannot understand that Love is limitless"" etc., etc.

THEN WE FIND OUT ""she says she wants to be with me and to have her family back together, but she just needs to escape for a while.

Dude, could it be you are loving her too much? (can you love too much?) LOVE IS LIMITLESS?? I mean it sounds cool, but what the heck are you talking about? God's love is limitless, I understand that.

When I read your post I get needy, clingy, weepy smothering vibes from you. Maybe that is why she needs to excape for a while!!

Some folks have said get tough. I agree. Track down the BF and expose to his wife or sig other. Tell her if she leaves she doesn't have to worry about coming back.

You need to tell us more about the situation. I am probably all wet here.

k

DD,

Are you still around???

When does she intended to go on this trip???

Is this the same OM from last August???

How much have eBF and her been communicating lately???

Do you have evidence of an emotional affair which will enable you to disclose with assurances??? Without evidence they can hide behind the "just friends" defense. You need some solid evidence for a good exposure. I suggest you purchase a Voice Activated DIGITAL voice recorder for about $50 at Radio Shace and hide it in the house or in her car (wherever you can catch her conversations with OM). Do not ever disclose your source so you must find unique ways to bust her with the info you discover as the taping may not be legal in your state and will likely anger the crap out of your wife if she ever catches you. Also pay with Cash so no record of the purchase appears on your statements.

My wife had a 3 month affair with her old high school boyfriend that contacted her through classmates.com about 6 months after his divorce was final. Rekindling of old relationships and escaping back to high school mentality is very common around here. Especially, IMO, for the stay at home mom.

My wife also snowed me for an "escape" trip back to her hometown (750) miles away to ostensibly end her relationship that I had already busted. I could not stop her and I documented that I tried (in case of divorce, I would have evidence of abandonment for any potential custody dispute). I actually found MB at the end of her two week visit and started my plan A after she returned. They, of course, continued and intensified the "soulmate" relationship over her 2 week visit but within one month I put so much pressure on the relationship that OM broke things off.

IN HINDSIGHT, I COULD HAVE ENDED THE AFFAIR IMMEDIATELY IF I HAD EXPOSED OM TO MY WIFES' FAMILY AND OM'S FAMILY (especially b/c he was living with his parents at the time...winner!!). Do not threaten this as they will just warn everyone about you. You try to stop her anyway you can but once she is gone, expose, expose and expose to everyone that can help you in one swoop. We can help you prepare for this.

BTW, we are recovered now and more likely than not you will be someday. Either way, with MB principles, you will be O.K..

I can share more about my story and share a file or two with you if you contact me requesting the same at my email address below.

Mr. Wondering

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I hope you have let the girlfriend know that they plan a lovers tryst. That will help end the affair.

As far as your wife's words, sadly they are word for word what all WS's say - you started changing too late, the marriage can't recover, OM is "helping" her, she needs times away, blah, blah, blah.

I'm sorry that your wife doesn't see what she is about to do - throw away a wonderful family and a husband that cares for her. The chances of anything working out with OM are less than 3%.

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D-dad...You need to treat your potential legal sep as your divorce. You granting her custody will make it even more unlikely that you would get that custody.

Also, your wife is dating, looking to replace you. This fact could end up making your even more resentful. The family dynamics will always be messed up. If you have been plan A for a while then it might be plan B time. That is the time you get YOUR act together and begin preparing yourself and HER for life without each other.....

Good luck...

DD,

Question...""We legally seperated, sold our house and purchased new home in mid Nov.""

""saying that she wishes me and the kids were with her in her new house and that she cries every night about all of this.""

So she lives in the new home alone? You both purchased this while legally separated?

""That she wants us to be together and that I do not understand how hard it is for her. But, she says that too much damage has been done.""

Why is it "so hard"? and who has done all this "damage"?

IMHO some tough love in the form of a plan B should be in order. You first tell her NOT TO GO!! If she goes then you change the locks, pack up all her stuff, and put it in the garage. You let her know this will absolutely happen if she goes. You then go dark big time.

What else but much more damage will her leaving cause you and your family?

She is SELFISH!! As are all WSs. They are thinking of themselves and THEIR happiness and their self absorbed self-gratification before all else. ALL ELSE BEING YOU AND THE BOYS!!

To me she is "dating" as was mentioned and you are enabling her to do it. Like you said, "If she goes, you move on, if she doesn't go there is hope" (paraphrasing here)

Good luck to you and hope she will come to her senses.

k