I don’t know what to do. I try every day but nothing is good enough. I ask what I can do but she says, “If she tells me, then it won’t be the same.” What am I supposed to do? I can’t read her mind. She gets angry with me if I don’t figure it out.

I was unfaithful shortly after I was sent to my new duty station in Germany. I went out with my friend and his girlfriend was there with her friend. I was being polite and talking to her. I had no intention of anything happening. The thought didn’t even cross my mind. A week later I went with him to the same place and she was there again. We went back to our barracks and he invited them in. we were having drinks when my buddy and his girlfriend went back to his room. I was alone with the other woman. She came on to me and I didn’t resist. We began the act but didn’t finish. I felt extremely guilty after I asked her to leave and was terrified that my wife would find out.

My wife came to Germany to live ten days later. She knew something was wrong. I told her that I kissed another woman. She lost it. I knew then I couldn’t tell her the whole story. I kept it from her for a year. My guilt kept building and building. I knew there was no way I could tell her because she would be devastated. A few people knew of the incident and little things began to leak out and trickle down to her. She confronted me and I knew I had to tell her. I did and it was as bad as I had feared.

That was a little over a month ago and I am trying to change my life around doing everything I can do to ease her mind that I am not messing up again. Some days she tells me that she doesn’t love me anymore doesn’t think it will work and other days she tells me she wants to try. Can people just stop loving someone if they did to begin with?
I am trying but I don’t see it in her actions that she even wants to. I know it is hard for her, to be betrayed so badly. I feel empty inside because I can’t accept the fact that I could even think about doing something so horrible to her. She is such a good person and has never hurt me or even said a negative thing about me. How could such a bad person and a person like her even end up together?

We have been together for 11 years and, contrary to what some may think, it was great before this. I love her so much and don’t want to lose her. I can’t seem to get through to her that this wasn’t an EA is purely a PA. If the opportunity wasn’t there I have no doubt that it wouldn’t have happened. It was a moment of weakness and I realize that if I don’t put myself in that position again then I wont have another weak moment like that.

I am physically and emotionally exhausted but I will never stop trying. I just don’t know how. Please help. I am desperate.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I wish I had some expert advice for you but I am new to this stuff myself and am trying to piece together my own mess. I am the betrayed one. I will say I give you a lot of credit for being here and for searching for some help. I would give anything if my husband would do that. you have the right attitude and just need to take it a step at a time. read up on everything here on this site and keep posting. I am sure some of the vets here can give you some help on how to procede.

You have a long road ahead of you, I think all of us who want to salvage our marriages do. But I think it will be so worth it. No matter what happens. Working for whatever outcome there may be is better than just throwing it all away. What have we learned if we do that?

Keep posting! mlhb

If BS decides to that she wants to try to work this out here are a few bits of advice.

Become Glass ! You actions must become completely transparent. YOU have destroyed the trust she should have in you. You will need to EARN it back.

Becoming transparent is just the first step. Give her passwords for email accounts, web sites you use, cell phone records, etc..

Be Honest ! The lies to cover up the truth hurt as much as the betrail does.

Be Open ! The BW will have many questions for you. A few now, a lot more later. Answer all her questions honestly even it is hurts. ANY unanswered questions or dishonest answers will plant seeds of doubt and draw out the process longer than necessary.

Don't think you can "sugarcoat" you answers to make yourself look better or "lessen" her pain. The truth ALLWAYS comes out eventually and if you are not completly honest it will give her reason question your integrity.

You will have days where everything is going forward, you will have days where nothing is working and you want to give up. Don't.

We refer to these days as the Rollercoaster. Sit down, Strap in, & hang on. If you BOTH want to make it through this you will.

Get a pro-marriage counseler.

Keep posting. Encourge the BS to post here. There is a lot of support and good advise available from this forum.

Stay Strong!

bump

Is it possible she's having an A?

CavScout,

Have you spoken with your spouse? Is she willing to work through this with you?

Let us know.

Cav,

When Mr_STOWaway was going through this time in his life we set up a simple mission agenda. "ABOVE REPROACH" was what we called it. Every action he took needed to be thought through and examined to make sure it would be the correct move. There could be NO questions from that point forward that he was hiding anything or using "independent thinking". Transparency is critical to your marriage, now more than ever. Expect to be tested, put under a microscope, examined and maybe even falsly accused. Those who have nothing to hide will hide nothing.

Also, it's a good time to practice control. Expect the same dang questions over and over. Answer them truthfully and without hesitation. Transparency, truthfulness, and living above reproach will go a long way toward the restoration of your marriage. It's a painful thing your wife is experiencing. Excruciating and even potentially debilitating at times. Be patient and open and loving and then be patient some more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Will your wife post on the MB board? We'd sure love to welcome her.

We'll cover you while you move. Hoo-aah.

Hi CavScout,

I am the BS and found out about my husband's 7 month long PA about 3 mos ago. He said it was just sex, nothing more on his side. I understand how your wife is feeling. All I can suggest is to echo what others have said, and to keep working on it. It is still very soon for her to be able to accept what has happened. You have a long history together that she will probably not be ready to throw away, as long as you prove your commitment to her. It will take time for her to come to this realization. I insisted that my husband go to marriage counseling and he has gone with me (we have only gone twice so far). I would suggest that you both read His Needs, Her Needs so she can understand more about what drives people to have affairs.

In your situation, it was a one time thing that never actually was completed. You need to just reassure her and answer ALL of her questions, do not try to protect her from the truth. As you see, it does not make it any easier. From my point of view, I would rather hear about the affair from my husband, than from others who knew about it.

Good luck and hang in there. Keep reading these boards, they help alot.