My FWW and I have been in recovery for almost 6 months and are doing well with that. The problem is that our families do not know about her A, yet they can definitely sense something is wrong. We both agreed that we would not tell anyone without both of us enthusiastic about the decision.

My father knows something is wrong and he is desperately trying to reach out to me and be just that - my dad. I have not told him for two reasons:

1. My mother had 5 affairs while married to my father (now divorced) and so I feel this might be a sensitive subject for him. I feel his advice would be more biased than anything else and I would not want that.

2. I love the way my father looks at my FWW with so much love. She is the daughter he never had and really is glad for the both of us. Because of the first reason, I'm affraid that this would change.

My mother is aware of the A and has been a great support. She is now with someone that I really love and has been happily married for 25 years. Because of her past she has some idea of what my FWW was going through and offered some well informed guidance.

Her parents do not know about the A and miss her since she does not go over there like she used to. Her A was done during the week when she would go to her parents after work and then afterwards to a local bar. Later she would go back to her parents and spend the night and then go to work in the morning. For obvious reasons my FWW refuses to spend the night anymore, so we visit her parents about once a month.

Also, through IC my FWW has discovered repressed events that included molestation by her father. She is not anxious to see him but wants dearly to see her mother more often. Unfortunately, her mother does not drive so we have to go to them. Still... they remain confused.

Any advice?

I would just tell your Dad that things were not good for awhile in your M and that everything is great now. I would tell him it is a private and best left between the 2 of you. Maybe tell him your W was not feeling well and it turned out to be female problems. Older men do not want to discuss female problems yet understand taht they can take awhile to fix so to speak.

When I learned of my H's affair, I told my family about it and about the fact that he had broken my arm four mounths before. He told his family.

Two weeks later, his father died.

He told me he was relieved that the truth was out.

My parents won't see him now four years later, and his family treats me in a way that is so bad I don't want to go there. However, I'm glad that it's out in the open. It forces us to deal with it and not sweep it under the rug.

Memories recovered in therapy may or may not be reality. She may be looking for justification for her affair.

Cherished

She is not using that as justification and has already taken responsibility for her actions. She in no way is leaning on that for support for any of her actions. She believes one of the biggest reasons (of the many) she did it was because she was looking for someone to make her happy.

Hi Hopeful,

If you do tell your families, they will undoubtedly look to you for some guidance in how to react. So try to present a "united front" - this has been a struggle for US but WE are trying to work through it.

My family knew everything from day 1 as D-day resulted in me living with them. Looking back, I'm glad they knew as I couldn't have done it without them, although I do wish I had been less forthcoming with the details. In my pain, I told them about all the thoughtless things my FWH was doing. They have been tremendously supportive of us, but I often wonder if they have had a more difficult time knowing the full extent of the damage.

You might also need to be prepared for some backlash against you from your wife's family. My in-laws were also quite supportive of us, but I could tell that they wondered what *I* had done and what kind of a bad wife *I* was that would make their son stray.

In terms of your father, he may have a turmoil of emotions. When my friend was a child, his own father left for the OW. It's been really difficult for my friend to separate his own situation from mine and to even consider the possibility of a reconciliation being possible/advisable. Again, he will likely be looking to you for some guidance.

If you and your wife approach it as a way to gather much-needed support as you rebuild your marriage, I would hope that you would receive gracious responses.

Best,

G

How do you know the extended family members "sense" something is wrong? Did they tell you or are you "sensing" their "sensing"?

In my opinion it is nobody's business.

But, really, why are you considering it? What do you have to gain?

I'm with Pieta in asking the question, what do you have to gain by telling your families about the affair? I always remember someone saying it's easy to forgive a son, much tougher to forgive a son-in-law. Are you just wanting to tell to rid because you feel guilty you haven't told everyone, that's not a good reason. Or do you think by telling it will help strengthen the family, it didn't sound that way by your comments. So consider what benefits you gain by telling and if none. Then I agree again with pieta, it's nobody's business but your own.

They ask us quite often and it's not easy to look at them and lie. If they notice my depression I will tell them it's some medicine that's making me a little dopey or I'm not feeling well. They keep wondering why I've been sick for so long, so I've tried changing excuses to something else and they still question us.

FWW doesn't know what to tell her parents. For nearly 6 months she was over there every week like clock work and would spend the night. Then, suddenly she stopped showing up and they think they've done something wrong. She tells them that it's just not easy for her to stay overnight anymore because her hours at work have changed. They don't believe her excuses and keep asking questions.

our families do not know. i do not usually talk to my dad and stepmom about our problems, because then later when you have moved on they are still mad. my dad loves my H like the son he never had. he adores him and thinks he walks on water. he would be crushed if he found out and i could never do that to him.

his mom would be very upset with him, but would not disown him. she would probably make me a saint though.

i think the less people that know the better. i have 3 friends that know, one here where i live, one i met online years ago and my first boyfriend who lives way far away. they are my support and they are all supportive of whatever i decide to do. it helps a lot to have support, but i recently got a bit upset because my friend here told her H and it bugged me. our Hs know each other very casually, see each other maybe once a year if that, but still. i wish she hadn't told him.

anyway, i think that it is better that they not know. you can say you were going through some difficulties and are working them out.

good luck on whatever you decide. you should both agree on whatever it is you decide to do.