New to this, so forgive any faux pas on my behalf. And I'm sorry if this is long...I feel the need to unload.

My wife started an affair while away on business, back in September. She told me about it immediately upon her return, but continued to see this fellow for the next two months. She finally claimed to end it in late November (but not before giving some 'good bye' oral...), however just two days later she accidentally (?) left her Yahoo chat acct open, and I saw an exchange between her and OM, that definitely didn't appear to be the chat of 'former' lovers. I freaked, and went into her history of chat with this fellow. Not a fun read, to put it mildly. I confronted her with it, and of course it was MY fault! I was the one who couldn't be trusted. (??!!) It's like there is a manuscript out there for WS's, isn't it?? She eventually wrote OM a 'NC' letter (supposedly) but wouldn't show it to me. I was on the verge of quitting. She had defeated me, and then I stumbled upon this site, and I got some hope back that there was a chance of saving our marriage. Not only did it give me some insight into what had gone wrong, it made me look at myself. As they say, "He without sin may cast the first stone". Well, I've sinned, so I'm not judging her too harshly. I realize that I set the wheels in motion years ago, that allowed this to happen. (Although I realize she is still responsible for her own actions...) We finally sat down and reviewed this site. She agreed it could be the key to salvaging things. I then asked her again to see the 'NC' letter she'd sent. While it generally said the physical thing had to end, it was full of smileys, and regret that this might be hurting OM's feelings, and that they'd still chat & hang out together. (Obviously my feelings are free for the hurting...) I started to get upset, but remembered the old "LB" thing about anger. I calmed down, and pointed out that it wasn't exactly the B & W 'NC' letter we'd discussed. She did agree with me, and while she wouldn't agree to another 'NC' letter that I'd review before she sent, she did agree to 'CC' me on the next (and supposedly final) one. The next day she came home from work, and said there was no need, as he'd e-mailed her at work, and said he understood, and that he wouldn't contact her anymore. You could see she was very sad about this. I may be stupid, but I'm not blind...obviously the OM had become VERY important to her, in a big hurry. We had many heart to hearts, and she repeatedly said she wanted to 'start over'. Yet I always felt she wasn't really trying. This went on for about the last 3 weeks. This past Saturday, she all but admitted she was in love with OM. (But still loved me...as she put it 'blind love' for OM, 'true love' for me...) Sunday morning she finally said it straight out...she loved him. Then Sunday afternoon, she tells me she called OM, because she needed to have a face to face with him, to explain why she ended things. (I figured her being married to me might be explanation enough for him...) What could I do? She's a grown woman, and I'm not her father...I'm her husband. I can't ground her! I let her go meet with him. My only caveat being that this was ABSOLUTELY the last time she'd have contact with him. She agreed. (I know, I know...I'm a fool...) I also suggested that instead of meeting at his place (as originally planned) that they perhaps meet at a more neutral location. She agreed, and told me afterward that she'd spoke with him again, and they'd be meeting at a local coffee shop. (I took her at her word, but still had/have my doubts...) She said it would be fairly short & sweet. 2 1/2 hrs later she called me to say she'd be a while longer, because they were having another 'coffee'. She finally showed up about an hour after the phone call, and was in a great mood. She had a Coke and a KitKat bar for me, as a "peace offering". She said she felt better. That she'd been right...he was fond of her, but had not been planning a future with her (which made me wonder what she'd done HAD he been planning one...), but understood her ending it, and his feelings weren't hurt. She was happy for that. (?) We talked, she told me that she loved me, wanted to be with me, and that she was now ready to REALLY start working on recovering things between us. I was relieved (but wary). She hardly gets this out, and she tells me OM asked her to buy him something when she's overseas. (Going away for an extended business trip early in NY...) Again, striving to remain calm, I pointed out that OM knew many people in her company, so why couldn't one of them buy him this particular item? She said she'd tell him to do just that. (Again, I was wary...) She agrees to no more contact with OM, but tells me she's going to send him a 'gift' while overseas. (!!) After her convincing performance when she got home, she almost had me suckered. Then the next thing...last night I asked her to give me the password to her e-mail/chat accounts. (She has all mine...) She balked at this. Not that I want to snoop...but as I pointed out to her, if she really does trust me (as she says, despite my prior snooping...) AND she has nothing more to hide from me, what's the big deal? She refused. When I was a bit out of sorts this morning, she asked me what was bothering me, and I told her. Again she got upset over it. I sent her an e-mail from work today, explaining (calmly and rationally) how her refusal to do this was making me feel (again recommendation from this site), and ASKED her to reconsider my request. (I also told her that if she could give me VALID reasons for saying "NO", I'd agree to it...I wouldn't be happy, but I'd agree...) Am I being played for a fool here, as I suspect?? Any opinions out there would be appreciated.

The first thing that came to my mind was to put Plan A or Plan B (from "Surving and Affair") into affect immediately. Sounds to me unless she plans to stop all contact with him, then Plan B is the way to go.

I guess in the end it depends on how much of this you are willing to put up with. She is hiding something...I mean she agrees to NC but wants to buy him a gift??? Good luck!!!

First of all you will get more response in the General Questions II.

Do you have kids? I am a father and I give my kids unconditionally everything they need to become good people. No matter what they do I can not disown them. I think you have your comment about being your wife’s husband but not father mixed up:

Precisely because you are her husband you have a lot more options, including leaving her. It is up to you to set your boundaries and enforcing them. Read all you can here about tough love. That is exactly what you need.

I would be very surprised if she is respecting the NC. Maybe they are not seeing each other (if kneeling in front of him is “seeing”) but they are in touch and chances are it will start again.

Does the OM have a wife? Does the company have a HR department? Read about exposure and at the least expose to OMW.

Copy your original post to Infidelity Gen'l Questions II as recommended above. There is a lot more activity there.

I sense they have taken their relationship underground.

Your marriage is savable. I saved mine even after enduring about 6 or 7 weeks of continued contact after D-Day and a couple of breaches of the "No Contact" agreement.

See ya over on GQII.

Mr. Wondering

Kato,

Sorry that you find yourself here, but there are a lot of good people here to help you.

If I read your story right, I would definitely say that you are being played the fool. As hard as it may be to hear this, if your W really broke things off with this man, she would not have come home happy. My H was miserable for not only hurting me, but for hurting the OW and himself. Our No Contact day was not a happy day.
Also...do not let her get away with not showing that letter. There is only one reason she does not want you to see it...she isn't ending it. I have found that people only get truly offended about their privacy being violated when there is something there that they do not want someone to see.

In fact, I would not budge on any of the boundries you set. The Plan A/B suggestion was right on. Be the best possible Kato, but also set clear boundries and STICK to them. Yes, you can tell her No, she cannot see the man. It is him or you. That should be a boundry. If she chooses to cross it, then she must face the music.

I would also suggest, and I would definitely give it some time before doing this, but if Plan B does happen...make sure SHE is the one that has to leave, and you get the kids. This is not for a punishment, but rather a reminder that she is the one who is forsaking the marriage, and it protects your kids from someone who is not making the best judgements in the world. I tell you this now, b/c I think many men just feel like they should leave b/c the women should get the house and kids...chivalry is alive and well...BUT in cases like that, it causes more harm than good.

I would also suggest going on the GQII board.

I hope it all works out for you, and again I am so sorry for your pain.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No...OM is single. All the more scary for me...thanks for the interest.