STBX and I have been married 9 loooonnngg years...now that the custody hearing is FINALLY over, the divorce will FINALLY happen. What is reasonable to ask of for settlement? I know what I have on my list but I want to see whatever one else thinks first.

Thanks and HUGS!

Go for the gusto, girl, you're on a roll!
J/K!

I say go with what's fair, what you accumulated during your marriage, you get half...Not sure what your state laws are, I know I got COMPLETELY screwed in my divorce! I'm STILL paying that loser and will be for 4 more years!
But I can live with myself because I always tried to do what I thought was fair. He's gotta live with what lies he told, I can look myself in the mirror everyday because I always tried to do what was right despite him being a jerk.
Like my book says-always make the decision based on what is going to make you the essential you-the best you can be!
You can't go wrong with that!
Good luck!

I cannot help anyone here... except MANY clauses related to our son, for I left the house we lived in - just with my personal belongings, took NOTHING else... (so big my pain was, didn't want a thing to remind me...)

And I again have all I need.
Almost. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Could give an advise though: just be sure you take YOURSELF, strong and determined to have life YOU want for your kids and yourself...

Being fair is absolutely the best policy - no matter the emotions involved.

Also; plan for the future! Utilize your D-attorney and map a strategy for everything the future may hold. Your attorney should have the necessary knowledge needed to support your kids until well into college. (Include things like; annual cost of living increase, health/dental insurance, vehicle(s) when they become of age, tuition, etc.) So many times the details are not considered because we "just want out". Then in a year or two - when gas prices go up by 150%; braces are needed, etc. your budget is not wrecked. Just do your best to look at this as a business situation. Your attorney is key here.

Good luck - and congrats again on your recent developments!

FR

[color:"blue"]Divorce is separate from property settlement. In PA you file on 3 counts - custody, divorce, and property settlement. All can be negotiated individually. Some judges will not grant a divorce until the other counts are settled because it serves as an incentive for couples to get serious about custody and property.

You should be entitled to half of any increases of any retirement accounts, pensions, house equity, savings, and debt.

I negotiated the you keep yours I'll keep mine method in order to keep my pension and let him keep his 401K.

I negotiated the house by offering the ex a fair price and when he balked told him that the judge would offer the same less the 7% they automatically tack on for closing costs if he wanted to wait for a judge to decide.

Knowing the law and asking your lawyer the right questions will cost you less money because you can force your ex to negotiate a fair settlement and save $$ on the legal fees and court costs.

V.[/color]

Make sure you include keeping an insurance policy for the benefit of the child, payable to the other parent, or in trust. Retirement can be negotiated, as can many other things.
Our custody agreement did not include holidays, so if you think you missed anything in the custody, work on that now while you both have lawyers.
As you work through the settlement, establish your line in the sand, and also know where you are willing to negotiate on things. For example, I didn't want the bedroom set, but I used it as a negotiating point to get something else.
Now, this may sound stupid, but whichever lawyer drafts the document, their client benefits. This is because they "forget" to include changes that were previously agreed upon. We had to write in changes at the courthouse because X's lawyer would not provide the document in advance, and failed to include any of the changes. So, just watch your back.

Thanks everyone...

So far I have on my list.....

½ of W 401K (worth appx. $7000)

W(him) and R(me) file jointly the 2005 taxes

R receives ½ of 2005 tax refund (we usually get $5000+ back from Fed)

R claims C(our daughter) on Taxes (only if we don't file jointly this year) as she has primary physical custody.

W pays for R legal fees for divorce and custody out of his ½ of 2005 tax refund. (While he has the money for it)

W keeps insurance on R and A(my son from previous marriage) until her insurance at her new employer kicks in … approximately 3/2006

W continues to pay spousal support to R for 2 more years

or instead of 1/2 401K he could give me all of the 2005 income tax return and we could call it even....even though I would lose a little by doing that.

I'm more than willing to neg. but I doubt he will be.

[color:"blue"] I doubt you will get the legal fees. Unless his salary is huge compared to yours. Were you a stay at home mom during the marriage? Alimony is granted mostly for rehabilitative purposes anymore - to get mom a head start while she finds a job and builds a career or goes back to school

Just my opinion, although you should get to dirt from your lawyer. Most of the time the parties are responsible for their own fees unless one party starts bringing up ridiculous allegations or frivolous charges that cost the other party unreasonable amounts of money to defend.

V. [/color]

AGE,
I'm not sure what your state's laws are, but if it is a "non-fault" state, normally you have to pay your own court costs.
I think the insurance is fair, actually it all sounds fair to me, depending on the difference in incomes.
Did STBX have any in 401k when you married? You don't have to get too personal here, but my experience has been half of what you accumulated during your marriage (you respectively keep what you had BEFORE the marriage).
I think it's a VERY good start-good job, sistah!
When will it all be final?

OK, legal fees are a question for your lawyer, since you were a SAHM it may be different (a friend did pay hers out of a joint account).
You can use the 401k to negotiate other items. Also, there might be a pension plan too, either a cash balance (defined contribution) or defined benefit pension plan. If so you are entitled to 1/2 of this too.
With rehabilitative alimony you can set a schedule and have the amount decline over time. There are some issues here. First, the courts try to get both parties income post D to within 10% of the others, with alimony and CS considered. Now, remember that A will count toward your income for the CS calcs, so that may mean you get less CS during this period.
Also, can he keep your son on his insurance post D? If he is not his adopted son, does this still work? If STBX's insurance is better than yours, you may want to keep his. Again, this is factored into the CS calculations.

I have some excel spreadsheets on proposed alimony & CS to try to get the earnings similar. I can email them if you'd like, but I don't know how the calcs work given you have another child.
My X's atty made the mistake to say we'd file jointly, after we divorced. Duh. I said no way. Also, if you have no income to show for 2005, filing jointly helps both of you.
We alternate who takes the kids as deductions. You may want to do the same. I found filing as head of household greatly benefits me in decreased taxes. You may lose that if he claims the kids. Get on the irs.gov website to check on that. You can also get the child tax credit and the dependent care credit (this one even if you don't claim the child but do pay for day care). Together these may be worth $1600 in tax savings. I have tax spreadsheets for 2005 already calc'd, and I expect a refund of $3000.

A dumb question to consider is who gets the family photos? I kept them all and X never asked for any of them.

Good Luck. I'll keep thinking of ideas.

Yes I was a SAHM for 15 years with a few part time jobs here and there.

He's always had a 401K

He and I will now be making about the same wage wise as of two days ago when I started this new job.

My attorney is the one who brought up the issue of the STBX paying my legal expenses. Mine are paid...it would be a matter of him reimbursing me actually....but he doesn't know that.

[color:"blue"]Allurin,

Not to knock your attorney, but remember that lawyers make more money when people fight because they bill by the hour.

One thing that this might be is a strategy to provide you with bargaining power later. If your ex is scared that he may have to pay your fees he might be more willing to negotiate a "fair" settlement on the other factors involved.

With your new job, the salary difference is gone and you may not get alimony. Most alimony nowadays is to help women in your situation recover and start a career - not to provide support so that they never have to work.

Look at each item as a bargaining chip for negotiation, but remember too that if you are willing to aproach this in a reasonable manner you may get an agreement from your ex sooner and cheaper.

V. [/color]

Also, consider that as you reenter the workforce, it may not go as smoothly as you hope, so don't discount the possibility of alimony if a job event happens. Ie. a layoff or something else which means a lower salary (yes, it happened to a friend of mine). So, the rehabilitative alimony could be put in the agreement, but possibly waived if you remain in the current job.

It's all going to be used as a bargaining chip as far as I'm concerned. It's not like he pays a great big amount in alimony as it is...so I can live with or without it. He doesn't need to know that though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />