How do you deal with a spouse that always brings up the past when we argue or have a heated discussion. Some of what is brought up happened when we first got married over 15 years ago & I thought it was solved already. sometimes I don't even remember the fight because it was so long ago, Why cant she just deal with the present.


Cliff

I was posting under tazcliff before, I reg a new nic just in case I can get my WS to take a look at this site.

WS has had NC for 7 weeks, worst of her witdrawl over 2 weeks

Hi Cliff,
My WH does the same thing- makes little comments or brings
up things from ages ago, and seems to really dwell on them.
I believe in his case, that he is very much a "conflict
avoider" (something he learned in a disfunctional family)
so he has sometimes not commented when something bothered
him, but has instead "stored it away", and then when he
finally has so much built up that he can't hold it in any
longer, it all comes out in an ugly fashion.

During a period where my WH was in counseling, his therapist
did talk about this, and that it is obviously a very un-
healthy habit. However, he has continued to be this way.
It's really frustrating, since so many of the things were
very little to begin with, but now after a long period of
him holding on to them , they've become much bigger and
he has a big bunch of resentment or anger towards me.

Just my thoughts-
Slammed

cliff,
I am a fww.

She is 7 weeks since NC?...then bringing up old issues etc...is probably her way of justifying. I did it too. After my affair and during my affair I blew more smoke about older issues. She is still in w/draw... It should lessen in time. I hope for your sake!

Staying in the present?...that may be a hard one... because dealing with the present means she must deal with her infidelity and its ramifications.
Anything to detract from what we fww/ww have done is always going to feel better.

Take care,
Brandi <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It is a WS trait. Now get a stregety to counter that type of stupid talk. When my WS would do that, I just look at him and say.....now really dear do you really want me to bring up ALL your past? Say it with confidence even if there isn't a lot to bring up. The WS' brain is warped anyway, she is gonna be mad at you and rewrite history anyway, so you got nothing to lose by keeping the WS mentally off kilter while you get yourself back on stable ground.

JMHO,
L.

cnamzat,

I used to do this in arguments all the time. I felt that I was showing a repeated pattern of behavior & that was my whole point in the old issues. I didn't really care about the issue itself, but the fact the pattern was repeated over & over and my H wasn't changing what was hurting me. That is one possibility but not a likely one.

Of course, many times old issues have nothing to do with today or anything. Sometimes it's about control & winning the argument and avoiding responsibility for her own actions. If you suspect this is the reason, you have to stay focused and not let her turn it around on you. Controlling people can be very cunning at turning it around. [color:"red"]You have to talk calmly to keep her defenses down. [/color] As soon as you get angry or the discussion turns heated, she is going to be defensive & shut you down. It's her way to manipulate you & the situation so she doesn't have to face the real pain she has caused. I did this one for years in my marriage - manipulating my husband to win the argument. I thought I was MORE right then him, so I justified it in my mind even when I was the one who had done something wrong. Fortunately for me, I woke up & stop this LB!!

Just my .02

its something that she has always done since the beginning of our marriage, I used to let it get to me, but now I just ignore the comments about the past & try & move on to a more positive note.

Thanks for your input

Cliff

These are great responses. I did what Want2BStrong did...and felt unheard. So I kept repeating the old stuff. Have you tried active listening along with Want2's suggestion of calm demeanor? I don't believe ignoring the comments can be of any benefit. Have you volunteered during these times what you feel when she does this?

Listening is a huge EN for me. What are your wife's ENs?

LA

cnamzat,

I understand the inner workings of this. In the past, If my H wanted to criticize something or talk to me about something I was doing that was bothering him - he had to remain very calm & focus on "feelings" without judgments. Otherwise, my denfenses go up & it's over - instead of talking about me & what I've done, I would instantly have us talking about him & ALL the things he's done wrong. By the time we were done, he was apologizing to me. MANIPULATION. I try very hard to not do this anymore, because it doesn't solve our problems, but creates more.

On the issue of repeated behavior, this would be when he would do something careless & hurt me, I would show him the repeated pattern by using old issues. This was never intended to be vindictive or mean - I was serious about how repeating this behavior was hurting me.

Ignoring her comments might be missing the message and that is dangerous as her need to be heard is not going to be met. Think about it.

want2bstrong that's good advice. I didn't have much time when I posted my last comment & I agree that it came out wrong. To clarify I have been very calm & understanding through out this whole process so far I do have my moments but not to many . What I meant to say was when she makes a comment about something in the past that I thought we had dealt with already I agree that it was insensitive & wrong for me to do whatever she is bringing up & I'm sorry I made her feel that way & tell her I am working on changing my poor behavior, than I try to steer it to something more current & positive. I cant fix what we did in the past I can only learn from past mistakes & choose not to make them again. I do believe she is doing it avoid responsibility for her own actions, I'm having a real hard time right now trying to get her to talk about our relationship issues & tell me her feelings. I feel like I'm the only one who wants to work on repairing the marriage, she as stated that she thinks "I'm the only one that needs to change, she only has to change how she reacts to me".

I know a lot of this is just the ws babble, & will get better as the fog lifts & we can start to really communicate, waiting for this to come about is hard & frustrating. Sorry if Im rambling.

Cliff