I dont know how to word this so I'll just give you the whole story.

I'm married to my beautifull wife of 4 years. We have no kids. And things aren't going well.

We live in hawaii, and a couple of friends were over for the week doing touristy kinda things. For a long time I felt neglected, not because her friends were taking up all her attention, but because I felt she wasnt as affectionate as before. I confronted her about it, and she said to me. "My friends are here till friday, can we please have this conversation then?"

I held my breath till the end of the week, but our conversation never came.

Now earlier this week we went hiking with another one of her friends. We had a lot of fun and afterwards me and my wife decided to go surfing. We stopped at a local restaurant to eat lunch first. As we walked from the parking lot to the establishment I noticed she wouldn't hold my hand. Something we always did. Something small, but important.

I cant remember excactly but we decided just to go home after lunch.
Once at home I thought I would bring the subject back up.
Except I wasn't as calm as before, I lashed out at her saying:
"Your'e perpously being mean to me! Your'e not as loving as you once were, You need to wake up!"

She said nothing, then calmly walked out to the backyard.

After a brief moment I followed, and I asked "Why are you acting like this?"

She look up to me and uttered the most painfull words I've ever heard. She said "Can you honestly say that you are happy"

I paniced almost, and said "Yes, of course, WHY?"
again she just clammed up and said nothing.
And after a begging for an explination she explained to me that she wasn't happy. And that she hasnt been happy for a long time.

I then asked her why she wasn't happy?
"What is it that I can do to make you happy"
"What am I doing wrong?"

At one point she said "I just dont want to hurt you"
and finally said to me "It's nothing you have or haven't done"

By this time she is searching for her phone to call her mom, I imagine to ask to stay for a while.
Let me tell you the very notion of her leaving just shook the very foundation of my manhood and broke me. I cried, sobbed, begged her not to leave.

She walked out the front door.
She just drove around the neighborhood for about 30 minutes.

After she came back I took a on a complete new attitude.
My wife is on the verge of leaving and I need to do something. So I pretended nothing happened.

The following day we went out grocery shopping, and after putting everything away, I asked her to please rethink the situation. I asked her to work it out with me.
She agreed.

Now I'm reading Dr.Harley's article about how to save your marriage, and have a few questions. In his article about "Why Women Leave Men" it lists suggestions like
"My husband only pays attention to me while we have sex"
or "My husband isnt affectionate"
(Emotional needs suggestions.)
But my wife isn't giving me any of those reasons, actually she isnt giving me any reasons at all.
All she gives me is: She isn't happy.

So the situation is my wife isn't leaving me for all those normal reasons, On the contrary I felt a bit neglected and emotionaly ignored.
How can I make my wife happy, if she wont give me any chances. She clamms up everytime I try to talk about it.

I dont want to loose her.

Is there any possibility that she is involved with another man?

I've never had that suspicion of her. But I suppose I can't rule out that possibility from just observation.
After all, I thought everything was fine and dandy in our marriage. Only to be shocked with learning she wants to leave me. I think my observations could be wrong.

But how does one go about investigating something like that?
I mean, without looking like a jealous possesive weirdo.

You could start by asking her. Talk to her, do not pretend that nothing has happened. Ask her to think about what she'd like.

Did you ask her if she would fill out the EN questionaire on the MB site?

When someone thinks their marriage is just fine and suddenly their spouse wants out, it is often because the spouse has gotten entangled in at least an emotional affair.
That is especially true if they have no desire to work on the marriage.

If there is someone, it is usually someone at work, a close friend, or a coach - someone that they have gotten acquainted with in an innocent manner. Oh, and ex-lovers, or folks they dated in high-school.

Is your wife home, and accounting for her time? Is she on the computer or phone a lot?

I am trying VERY hard to talk to her, and she is comming around since we had our little "episode"

I actually went home tonight, and left a EN questionare on the dresser for her to fill out. Along with a few of Dr.Harleys' articles and my own questionare for her to look over. I gently woke her and told her about them. She was ok with it. So as far as trying to iron things out, I'm slowly getting there. I'm hoping to find the root of it soon, with the questionare and the articles I hope she reads. I'm completely new at it all so I'm gonna need some guidance.
I understand a lot about LB's and what not, but I dont wanna go into this thinking I'm an expert.

As far as her having an affair, I think I might just politley ask her.

You can politely ask her about having an affair. But 99% of cheaters deny it.

Well I dont want to dwell on the possibility of her having an affair.

I've known her for 5 years and I like to think that I can tell when she's telling a lie. If she says no, I'm inclined to believe her. But if I have reason to investigate further I will.

I hope this is the right approach.

You don't need to dwell on the possibility, just be aware of it.

The reason I ask is if there was an affair, the affair has to end before any progress can be made in saving the marriage. There are ways to hasten the ending.

Did she complain about anything in the marriage before all of this happened? Any big losses in her life?

Omen285,

This really, really sounds like an emotional affair. If she confesses to it, be understanding because you are on the right track if she confesses.

Also be aware, a cheating spouse, whether it is emotional or physical affair, will turn into the biggest liar you have ever seen. They turn into someone you don't know.

Work with her... be understanding, but do not let her walk all over you. Make sure she knows your boundaries.

Well, to the original poster, no offense here, but my exhusband probably thought he knew me pretty well, we'd been married alot longer than you and your wife, but I was still having an affair.

I concur that something is amiss - possibly an EA. My XH had an EA online 10 years ago and I suspect he may have had a PA too.. but that I'll never know. He had his EA during 18 months we were in MC and it went on before and after - and I was completely unaware. I found out after it was over - I found some emails and explicit chat logs on our computer after he moved to take work in another city and he got me my own internet connection. As I became more computer savvy, I began to explore files in my own computer - and I was floored at what I found.

Liars get good at it - they can look you square in the eye and lie and be convincing. Once a lie is discovered the trust is shot... takes years to regain, IF it can ever be regained.

My ex wasn't very good at covering his tracks and over the years I busted him in many lies.. some trivial, some devastating. I just got to be a better sleuth than he was a liar - and that makes for a crappy marriage to say the least. Even after separation and just prior to divorce - what I filed for but didn't really want - but I had to protect my kids and get out of a crummy situation - I was still catching lies. I swear sometimes he left a trail in order to be caught...

For your sake I hope it's not an A... but it sounds an awful lot like one.

Keep us posted - we're here to help each other.

H2U

Well I went home this morning (I work PM shifts) and I reminded her about the EN questionare and the reading material that I had left for her. I asked to please read it with an open mind. She agreed.
I really want to wait for her to read over everything before we have a good sit-down chat. So we can be on the same page whenever I talk about EA's, LB's and so on.

I get a feeling that she does want to work on our marriage, but she still acts a little hesitant. I ask her things like,
"Dont you think we need to spend more time together?"
and her replies are "Sure" - "I guess" and that really strikes a bad chord. She might not mean any harm by it, it might just be her way of expressing agreement. I dont know.
Now a days I feel a bit more sensitive to well, anything.

That really is another issue, Our jobs have kept us so busy that we hardly have time to see one another.
We have 4 hours (tops) every other two evenings and all day every other weekend.
I'm currently trying to work something out with my job that allows me more time but, its very difficult.

To Believer's question:
No there has not been any big loses in her life. And the only other complaints I got from her were that I dont help around the house. Which I have completely turned around on.
I'm pretty much the house-person-guy-whatever.

Can anyone provide a link to material on EA's?